50 Ways to Leave Your Lover Page #2

I mean, I've been going one way,

and it's been going another.

We're getting

a trial separation.

So, you're breaking up

with your life?

You can't break up

with your life.

You'll just come crawling

right back to it.

You're right.

I've got to kill it.

First, he had to say good-bye

to his support group.

Well, I had a little slip.

Last night,

after the earthquake...

my ex said she was never

coming back to me...

and I realized

that I was lying to myself...

and the people at work...

and everyone else in my life.

And so today,

I've come to tell the truth.

-All right!

-Good for you.

That's nice.

Last night,

I got so deliriously...

rhapsodically stoned...

it was f***ing fantastic.

And I realized

that for all the progress...

that we make here at AA...

I mean, we might as well

be getting stoned.

I mean, Keith--Keith

may not be drinking...

but he sent his father

another dead sparrow.

And, Joan,

well, Joan is sober...

but she handed out Halloween

candy naked again this year.

Anyway, take it easy.

I'm leaving town

to start my new life over.

But before I do,

I'm gonna blow a big, fat doob.

-Such a disgrace.

-Mm-hmm.

Owen! Stop! Stop! Owen!

Listen to me, will you?

Listen to me.

If you don't turn back now...

you will drive yourself

over the edge!

Jack, relax. The world is round.

Next, he had to set things

straight at work.

I've made some revisions...

because I feel like

we need to offer...

a more complete account

of events.

The most important thing

is we write a book...

we can both be proud of.

Well, Shakespeare,

there's two things...

I want this book to make us--

proud and money. Shoot.

"The competition

for the Apollo mission...

sizzled hotter than

a Houston parking lot in July."

That's good. I like that.

"l knew the final selection

would come down to politics...

"so I volunteered to pilot

Senator Baldridge's plane.

"That weekend I was ordered...

"to fly some hookers

to Camp David.

"The Soviets were in town...

"and Nixon wanted to make

a good impression.

"The rest is history.

To this day...

"l think if Brezhnev

had not been sated...

"by a little Korean stripper

named Susu...

"l might never have become...

the national hero

that I am today."

Just who in the f***

do you think you are?

Oh, yeah? I was gonna ask you

the same question...

because you're definitely

not the guy in the book!

And then came

the hardest part...

the final farewell

to his friends.

What does that mean,

breaking up with your life?

Is that one of the twelve steps?

No, I finally got honest

with myself...

and everyone else in my life.

Cool. Well, good luck, man.

Yeah.

Hey, before I go,

there's something...

I always wanted to tell you.

You remember that guy

on your wedding tape...

who was humping

one of the caterers...

in the video greeting arbor...

and all you could see

was his hairy white ass?

Oh, my God!

You found out who that was?

Yeah! That was me.

-Ahem.

-Ha ha!

Remember when Allison

was into girls...

and you asked me to find out

if she wanted to sleep with you?

Yeah. As I recall, she said

I was a moped with a vagina.

Actually, she didn't say that.

I did.

Heh. That was you?

Yep. Allison actually thinks

you're hot.

So I could have been

f***ing Allison all this time?

Oh, my God!

Well, if my show's the welfare

cheese of the American mind...

then what the hell's

the crap you write, huh?

You talentless fuckhead!

At least my cheese

doesn't stink.

Well, thanks, Blaine.

I'm glad we could catch up.

Good luck to you, buddy.

What the hell was that about?

I don't know.

I've started speaking

from my heart, you know?

And in about an hour, I'll have

absolutely no friends left...

so there'll be less reason

to come back.

Hey, man, I'm still your friend.

Yeah,

I was just getting to that.

Rob, listen, you're one of

my closest, dearest friends...

so I say this with true love.

Your girlfriend

is a huge screaming c*nt.

She's cut you off

from your friends...

and made you take

these anti-depressives...

that have turned you

into a sad, boring ghost...

who leaves parties early

and drinks out of a juice box...

and most likely

sits down to piss.

Trust me.

All your friends agree...

this woman has the brain

of a Pilates machine...

and a heart

the size of a Zoloft.

Dump her!

Hey. What's going on?

Hi! I was just telling Rob here

what a c*nt you are...

and how dull you've made him--

Unh!

F*** you, Owen.

Let's go.

So long, old friend.

I'm gonna miss you.

Well, this is a nice way to say

good-bye to all your friends.

Well, you can't say

I wasn't honest.

Aah. At least I leave

with a clear conscience.

What are you gonna do

when you want to come back?

Well, that's the beauty of it.

Now I can't.

Great. Great.

So, you trashed your life.

For what?

Ahh.

Well, among other things...

an ex-Soviet

Nobel prize-winning physicist.

I told him I'd give him

his first three chapters...

for free

if he hired me to write his bio.

Dear Mr. McCabe, I am most

interested in your proposal.

The sooner

you come to Breighton...

the sooner we can begin.

In fact, I suggest

you leave immediately...

before there is

another earthquake.

L.A. is a doomed city.

Yours, Vassily Stepniak.

That's...

Wow. Ha!

So, I guess this is, uh...

this is really it.

Don't you have any final

earth-shattering words for me?

Ha ha!

There are no words for you.

Mmm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm!

Owen?

Owen.

Eileen's boyfriend, right?

Oh, my God. Hi.

I didn't recognize you.

Yeah, well,

last time you saw me...

I probably had my eyes open...

and my tongue

wasn't down someone's throat.

I knew there was something

different. It's Val, right?

Yeah. And this is Max--

my boyfriend Max.

-This is Owen.

-Hi.

Owen and I met at this

oil spill cleanup years ago.

Ah, so you must be

in Friends of the Earth, too.

No, I was just there

to pick up girls.

Heh. So, how are you?

Are you still with Eileen, or...

Well, Eileen and l, you know...

I mean, we decided

we'd be happier, um...

It's complicated.

I got dumped.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Hey, darling, listen,

my plane's going. I got to go.

-But you have ten minutes.

-Yeah.

-I'll call you.

-OK.

Mmm.

-Bye.

-Bye.

So, how long

have you guys been together?

Oh, um, four years.

He, um, he just got this

really great job in Miami...

so he's gonna try living there

for a while.

Which is fine, really.

I mean, we--

It's complicated, but...

I got dumped, too.

Really? That's great.

It's great?

Well, great, like--yeah, great.

I mean, you know--I mean, l--

Max and I don't go back

very far, but "I'll call you"?

I mean, a woman like you--

you could get anyone you want,

and...

You know,

it's none of my business.

Do you want to get a drink?

Yeah, I could use another.

OK, OK. Now, just go out there

and be honest...

because if you're honest...

and you say exactly

what's on your mind...

then she'll never

speak to you again...

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