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by intermission

and I'll have to sing the second

act in the car on the way home.

I would drink, but I may

have to drive across town.

Yes. You've mentioned that.

Vodka martini

sounds wonderful.

One for me too, please.

You think we'll even find a cab?

With a syringe, if you would.

Tout de suite.

Merci.

So, first of all,

did you ever hear anybody

speak better school-taught

French than this kid?

99 on the Regents Exam.

And he knows

the current usage.

And this is within

his whole life

not one day out of the country.

Something of which

I'm very proud.

So, it's nice

the schedule worked out.

Brian says you're only free

till 7.

That's right.

So, Arielle

of whom my son

speaks in golden tones

tell us about yourself.

Well, I am 33, married,

and the mother of two.

Waiter.

Canadian Club.

A married French woman

33 years of age,

with two children.

You could stop that sentence

anywhere along the way

and have reason enough

not to be in the relationship.

Dad...

These are the same French

who didn't let us

fly over their country

on the way to Khadafi.

Okay, but it's not

her Frenchness

that's really bothering you...

No, but I can't discuss

her marital or parental status

because if I do,

my pancreas will explode.

So instead, I'm dwelling

on the relatively benign

but still objectionable issue

of her Frenchness.

Okay.

In the war, the French

couldn't wait

to give up their Jews.

Nobody could

wait to give up...

Also, they surrendered

3 times in the same war.

Have you any idea

how hard that is to do?

What does that have

to do with anything?

Because this is who

you're dealing with.

Mimi and Joe Fabercamp

went to Paris for their 25th

and they said, "It was

a festival of rudeness."

And Joe even had a phrase book.

And his cousin, once removed

was at Omaha Beach,

unbelievable in gratitude.

$42, please.

Jesus Christ.

I really hope you know

what you're doing, my boy.

I really hope this does not turn

out to be one of those decisions

that takes a perfectly good life

and turns it for the worse.

It won't.

Now what the hell

is going on over there?

Look at that, dad.

She f***ed her twice.

Arlene... you wanna

weigh in, please

on the subject of la femme

Robinson over there?

Or are you just gonna

leave your husband

to fight this battle himself?

Just like that time

at karaoke night

when you dropped the microphone,

walked off and left me

because you couldn't read the

lyrics to "It Had To Be You."

It's good you've let that go.

I think that there

are two forces on Earth

you never want to be fighting.

One is Mother Nature.

The other is love.

What?

She's lovely.

It's not an ideal situation

but she adores my son.

Now how can you be

a sensible parent

and not feel warmly towards

someone who adores your child?

That is

practically... anti-social.

Okay. So I'm anti-social.

Not news.

Besides, I'm not telling

you that I don't like her.

I hardly know her.

Exactly.

I hope you don't mind, Bri,

but Arielle gave me her number.

We're gonna go shopping

and she's gonna teach me

how to walk like her.

I cannot tell you how little

I wanna see a Broadway

show right now.

It's one of two things...

or possibly both.

What is?

Either no one is immune

to your charms..

...or the world really can

surprise you with its grace.

What?

Je t'aime.

Just for the record.

Okay, we'll start

very simply.

Taste, please, this glass.

Is it white or red?

Red.

My, God.

Ah! Really?

You gotta be shitting me.

You have the palate

of a water buffalo.

That is about to change.

Replace the blindfold, please.

Take a small piece of baguette

to cleanse the palate.

Okay. Please

drink from this glass.

Is it the Miller High Life

or the Guinness stout?

The Miller High Life.

Oh, boy.

What? Merde!

We have a lot of work to do.

I was sure it was

Miller High Life.

Now please take

a buffalo chicken wing

to obliterate the palate.

No, I was not very

like, I had, like,

big glasses for my sight.

And I was not very...

attractive actually.

I find that very hard

to believe.

Yeah?

Yes.

I like it that you

find that very... ha ha ha..

I find that

incredibly difficult..

...to believe.

That was very adventurous.

It was?

Yes, in my culture we wait

a long time, maybe even years

before we do...

something like that.

Well, consider it

a cultural exchange.

Can we do that again?

One day when

you're a famous writer

all these people

will know your name.

I don't think I want

that guy to know my name.

You will have no choice.

Why is it that you're so much

sure of me than I am of myself?

Maybe I've seen the future.

Thanks.

Excuse me.

It's you.

Our nanny has

a respiratory infection.

Uh-oh.

Valery and I

have a state luncheon.

Is that better or worse

than a respiratory infection?

I can't miss it and the

children cannot be left alone.

Pas de probleme.

I have an idea.

I don't care if you're French.

If you're going to live here,

there are certain things

that you're going to

have to know how to do.

And none of them..

...none..

...is more important..

...than hitting a baseball.

Okay? Elodie, keep

your back elbow up.

Keep your eyes on the ball

and above all..

Don't lunge.

Exactly.

Ne lunge pas.

Here we go.

Oh! Oh, no, are you okay?

No, I ain't hurt.

It didn't hurt.

What do we call that?

Chin music.

Exactly.

When it comes for you, you gotta

get out of the way, you know.

Alright. Next pitch.

Do not be afraid of the ball.

If it's coming for your head,

get out of the way.

But otherwise, be afraid

of being afraid of the ball.

That's the American way.

Now, hit me in the nose with it.

Okay? Right in the nose.

Oh! That was great.

Yay! Yay!

That was great!

Come here.

Throw me in the air again.

Yes!

Three more.

Two more.

One.

Brian.

Yes.

I'm so glad that

you're my mother's boyfriend.

Me too. We are very, very

happy to have you in the family.

Thank you.

My turn to bat!

My turn to bat!

Yes. Okay.

Uh, give your sister the... what

do we call the catching gear?

The tools of ignorance.

Exactly.

The tools... of ignorance.

Alright, guys,

are you ready?

What have I missed?

Well, let's see.

Your daughter is Derek Jeter.

And your son is David Ortiz.

I don't know

what you're saying to me.

Never mind.

Just watch this.

Okay.

Don't close that stance.

Very good.

I wanna see

your front hip, okay?

Elodie, how about

some infield chatter?

Oh!

Big Papi!

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so proud of you.

$6000 and they publish

your story.

The story about the dogs.

The story about the dogs.

Which you now regret mocking,

don't you?

No, that just proves that

if you have enough talent

you can write about complete

bullshit and still fool people.

But I'm so proud of you.

You know there's a ceremony.

There's a ceremony?

Will you come?

It won't be between

5 and 7?

No.

Can we break the rules?

We can't break them.

I understand.

So we will just have

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