A Boy Called Dad

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This film contains strong language

They reckon that, when you're drowning,

you see your life flash before you.

I didn't.

HEAVY BREATHING THROUGHOU - Not like that, d*ckhead!

- Sorry.

- I've not got anything.

- S'OK, it's a safe day.

- Monday?

No, knobhead, me cycle!

HEAVY BREATHING CONTINUES

Can't you go on top?

I've just had a double cheeseburger. I'd hurl. Just get on with it!

Hurry up, or I'll miss me bus!

Sh*t. I broke me nail!

SPLASHING:

CHEERING:

Look, just calm down, will you, Jackie?

Look, I can't get a word in edgeways here!

This isn't what I had in mind, that's all.

Oh, look, I feel stupid.

Not only do I feel stupid, I look stupid!

All the kids are just taking the piss.

It's all right for you, I'd like to see you walking around like this.

Oi! Come here, you, you little sh*t!

Get here, you little sh*t! I'll have you when I get hold of you!

What the bleedin' hell are you playing at, soft lad?

I could've killed you then!

Dad?

- What?

- It's me.

- Who?

- Robbie.

- My Robbie? What are you doing, lad?

- He's after me, please!

- Oi!

- What's the score with him, then?

- You little sod!

- Oh, hang about.

- I want a word with you!

Oi! Get here!

I'll have you, you little sod! You haven't seen the last of me!

Think he's topped himself!

HE LAUGHS:

So what's the score with Mr Whippy, then?

- Me and me mates were messin'. Borrowed his van.

- Borrowed?

We were gonna give it back. Stalled it. The others legged it.

Shocking. Rule number one. If you're gonna be the getaway driver,

don't stall the car.

- Thought you lived in Ireland.

- Yeah, I do.

I'm just over here doin' a job for a mate, you know.

Been over here before?

Why do you sound like a Manc?

- Lived in Manchester with our Katie's dad.

- You've got a sister?

- Pain in the arse.

- How come you're here, then?

Mum and Terry split up.

How old are you now, mate?

How come you never came to see us?

Yeah, I would've if I could, but, you know, it's complex,

you know what I mean, with Ireland and that.

- How long you here for now?

- Not long.

Look, I've just got to see a man about a horse.

You stay here, though, right?

I won't be long.

RACING COMMENTARY

Come on, come on, come on.

Get in! Thought he was gonna bottle it, then.

The patron saint of jockeys

must have been looking after you today, you jammy get.

Hee-hee! Cheers, Billiam.

- Happy days, lad!

- D'you always win?

Oh, aye, yeah. Apart from when I lose.

Mum reckons it's a mug's game.

Yeah? Then you won't want this off this mug.

Here you go.

Go on.

- You won it.

- It's yours. What's mine's yours.

- Will I see you again?

- Course.

You on the front tomorrow? Same time?

Yeah.

Maybe not a good idea to let on to your mum that you've seen me here.

I won't.

All right.

Cheer up!

Mine went further.

- Like that?

- And the chips go in. That's marvellous. Step two.

And then the, you know... Thanks very much.

The piece de resistance...

is the curry sauce, which I can't open. One sec.

Oh, it's all over the show now! Here you go, have a bit of that.

There we go.

Jamie Oliver, my arse, mate.

BABY CRIES:

- Do you know her?

- No.

- Which way's Ireland?

- Perch Rock and take a left.

On a clear day, you can see Val Doonican.

Who?

You know, Val Doonican.

# Walk tall, walk tall and look the world right in the eye. #

You laughin' at me?

Ah, he's made a happy man very old.

- Are there any nice girls in Killarney?

- Oh, yeah.

Want me to put a word in for you?

Don't worry, I'll make sure that, y'know, she's got all the bits.

You with anyone?

No.

Maybe you could come back to live with us.

The chances of that are poor to piss poor, son.

Your mum'd never have me back.

She might change her mind. Women do - it's a well-known fact.

- Yeah? Not your mum.

- SHIP HORN BLARES

I'm always lookin' out for you on that.

- Sometimes I reckon I've seen you on it.

- Yeah?

- D'you remember a snow globe you got me?

- Snow globe?

It had a nativity in it. Cracked.

Yeah! Yeah, I do remember it now, yeah.

Mary's head fell off, we stuck it back on with Bostick.

- You can see the join.

- The thought that counts.

- You kept that all this time?

- The snow doesn't snow. Never did.

Snow's overrated anyway.

Kept this an' all.

I remember that day. Bits of it.

I was havin' a banana milkshake.

We were in that cafe at Hollyhead. Before we got the train home.

Why did you leave us?

Your mum never told you?

She doesn't talk about it.

Just says you let us down. Better off without you.

Yeah, maybe she's right.

I don't feel better off without you.

D'you ever think about me dad?

Not if I can help it. Why?

He might've changed.

Yeah. And there's a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.

You don't know nothing, you.

You're full of sh*t. You ever wonder why you're on your own?

NOLAN!

Dive in, or get down.

JEERING:

Come on, Nolan!

Can't drive and he can't dive!

Mr Skinner? Are you Mr Skinner? Yeah, you don't know me.

I'm his dad.

LAUGHTER:

NOLAN! Dive in or get down, lad!

- Hey! Did you do that?

- Yeah!

- What the bleedin' hell are you playin' at?

- You said you'd meet me!

- I know, but something came up and I'm sorry.

No need for that, though, was there?

Going to cost a few bob to get that fixed.

Oh, eh!

- Robbie, where you going?

- Mum said you were a loser.

- Cheers(!)

- Always was, always will be!

- At least I'm consistent.

ENGINE REVS:

All right, I'm a loser. I'll make it up to you.

- Forget it.

- Come on, give us a chance.

I said forget it. Go back to Ireland, I'm not arsed.

All right, I'll piss off, but let me do one thing first.

HE HONKS HORN:

It's Robbie.

Thought I couldn't drive!

- Hungry?

- Starving.

Viagra? What the bloody hell d'you want Viagra for?

You're 81 years of age, for Christ's sake!

You'll be pole vaulting all the way to that daycare centre,

if you're not careful. Sheila?

Home Help Sheila? Dad!

The only thing she's trying to get her hands on is your pension!

Is she there? If she's there, put her on. Put her on!

Listen, you. If you don't keep your filthy mitts off him,

I'm going to come round there

and shove that can of Mr Sheen so far up your arse,

it'll take you a fortnight to sh*t it out. Do you hear me?

- Salt and vinegar, love?

- Please.

Hey! Get out! What are you doing, you cheeky little twat?!

What did you see in me mum?

I didn't. I fancied her mate, Josie.

She had bigger tits.

She had a gob to match, though, so I sacked that idea.

What you reckon she saw in you?

I could dance.

There's three things women love.

One, a man who can dance. Two, a man who'll listen.

The trick with that is to pretend you're listening when you're not.

And, three, always agree with everything they've said,

even when they're wrong. Simple.

- I can't dance.

- Everyone can dance.

- I can't.

Get out. Go on, get out.

Go on, I'll teach you a few moves. Just go from side to side.

Oh, what?! One, two, three, four. One, two three.

MUSIC:
"The Snake" by Al Wilson

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