A Christmas Story Page #2

Now it was serious. A double dog-dare.

What else was left but a "triple-dare you"?

And finally, the coup de grace of all dares...

the sinister triple dog-dare!

I triple dog-dare you!

Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette...

by skipping the triple-dare and going right for the throat.

All right, all right.

Go on, smart ass, and do it!

I'm going!

Flick's spine stiffened, his lips curled in a defiant sneer.

There was no going back now.

This is nothing.

Stuck? Stuck!

Stuck! Stuck!

Jeez!

It really works!

Look at him!

Ralphie, come back!

Come back! Don't leave me! Come back!

But the bell rang!

What are we going to do?

I don't know! The bell rang!

Where's Flick?

Has anyone seen Flick?

Flick? Flick who?

He was at recess, wasn't he?

Ralphie, do you know where Flick is?

I said has anyone seen Flick?

Yes, Esther Jane?

Oh, my God!

Holy cow, it's the fire department!

Wow, it's the cops!

Now, I know that some of you put Flick up to this.

But, he has refused to say who.

But those who did it know their blame.

And I'm sure the guilt you feel...

is far worse than any punishment you might receive.

Now, don't you feel terrible?

Don't you feel remorse for what you have done?

That's all I'm going to say about poor Flick.

Adults love to say things like that. But kids know better.

We knew darn well it was always better not to get caught.

Now, boys and girls, I'm going to give you an assignment.

I want you to write...

a theme.

"What I want for Christmas."

The clouds lifted.

And I want it handed in tomorrow morning...

I saw a faint gleam of light at the other end of...

the black cave of doom.

I knew that when Miss Shields read my magnificent, eloquent theme...

that she would sympathize with my plight...

and everything would work out, somehow.

Boy, did you see how it stuck?

Did it hurt, Flick?

No. I never felt a thing.

It just caught me off-guard.

You sure were bawling.

I never bawled!

Baloney.

Scut Farkus!

Scut Farkus! What a rotten name. We were trapped.

There he stood, between us and the alley.

Scut Farkus, staring out at us with his yellow eyes.

He had yellow eyes! So help me God, yellow eyes.

Grover Dill, Farkus' crummy little toady.

Mean. Rotten.

His lips curled over his green teeth.

Randy lay there like a slug.

It was his only defense.

Say "uncle."

Uncle!

Louder!

In our world, you were either a bully, a toady...

or one of the nameless rabble of victims.

All right.

Who's next?

In the jungles of kid-dom, the mind switches gears rapidly.

Weeks ago I had sent away for my Little Orphan Annie...

secret society decoder pen.

Oh, skunked again.

No matter. Today I had serious work to do.

"What I want for Christmas."

"What I want is a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock...

"and this thing which tells time."

Wow, that's great.

"I think that everybody should have a Red Ryder BB gun.

"They're very good for Christmas.

"I don't think that a football's a very good Christmas present."

Oh, rarely had the words poured from my penny pencil...

with such feverish fluidity.

I've won! I've won!

The Bumpus hounds.

Our hillbilly neighbors, the Bumpuses, had at least...

785 smelly hound dogs.

And they ignored every other human being on earth but my old man.

I won!

I won!

What?

A major prize!

I won!

Hey, look at that. Look at that. A Western Union telegram.

Tonight, he's coming tonight. Tonight. Hot damn, tonight!

What does this mean here?

It means it's coming tonight!

I called Ernie McClosky at the freight depot.

He said the telegram was late, the prize was already there...

he was going to send it on tonight.

Come on. Have a chew, fellas, on me. It's my gift.

You know, maybe it'll be one of those Spanish adobe houses down in Coral...

Serves you right, you smelly buggers.

Or it could be a bowling alley.

A guy down in Terre Haute won a bowling alley.

How are they going to deliver a bowling alley here tonight?

They could send the deed, for cripesake. I mean...

I didn't expect they were going to send the whole damn bowling alley.

Yeah, well. How about eating? I'm starving to death.

Getting rich is hard work, kid. Come on.

Every family has a kid who won't eat.

My kid brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years.

Oh, Randy, don't play with your food, eat it!

Starving people would be happy to have that.

Can I have some more red cabbage?

Stop playing with your food, or I'll give you something to cry about.

You better stop fooling around with it and eat it or you'll be sorry.

Can I please have some more?

My mother had not had a hot meal for herself in 15 years.

Meatloaf, double beetloaf.

I hate meatloaf.

All right. I'll get that kid to eat.

Where's my screwdriver and plumber's helper?

I'll open up his mouth and I'll shove it in.

My mother was more subtle.

How do the little piggies go?

That's right. Oink, oink.

Now, show me how the piggies eat. This is your trough.

Show me how the piggies eat.

Be a good boy. Show Mommy how the piggies eat.

Oh, my.

Mommy's little piggy.

It's here.

Are you Parker?

All right, sign here.

Yeah. Well, what is it?

I don't know.

What's in it?

Here. Bring it in.

Okay, boys. Haul that on in here. Move your tails.

Bring it right on in. Right here. Bring it ahead. Straight ahead.

That's right.

Right.

Here, bring it right in, fellas. That's it. Here we go.

A little more. Little more.

That's it.

Watch the lady.

Thanks a lot, guys.

Merry Christmas.

Get the crowbar and a hammer, Ralphie. Go on.

"Fra-gi-ley."

That must be Italian.

I think that says "fragile."

Oh, yeah.

Here we go.

They did a job on this, you know?

No, here, Ralph, hold this.

There could be anything in there!

Jesus!

Maybe they forgot.

It's in there. It's gotta be in there.

Would you look at that?

What?

Would you look at that?

What is it?

It's a leg!

But what is it?

Well, it's a leg.

You know, like in a statue.

Statue?

Yeah, statue!

Yeah, statue!

Ralphie!

My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue.

Holy smoke, would you...

Do you know what this is?

This is a lamp.

It was indeed a lamp.

Isn't that great? What a great lamp!

I don't know.

Here, hold it. Hold it. Here, go on.

The old man's eyes boggled...

overcome by art.

I know just the place for it.

Right in the middle of our front room window!

Jesus, God.

Honey?

No. It's all right.

Let's see...

This goes to the radio and this goes to the...

Well, it's just one too many.

Well, let's see.

The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone...

and the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory.

Look at that! Will you look at that?

Isn't that glorious?

It's indescribably beautiful. It reminds me of the Fourth of July!

Turn off all the lights.

I wanna see what it looks like from the street.

I'll go get the dining room.

Couldn't we talk this over?

Move it a little bit to the right. A little that way.

Just a little... More to the right.

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