A Cinderella Story: Once Upon a Song Page #2

If your butt is suffering,

then you are suffering.

In fact, your entire life is suffering. Why?

Because you crave

that which is meaningless.

Are you calling me shallow?

No, I'm saying to stop your craving

and release your butt.

Just release it. Release it, yeah.

Release that butt.

Release that butt

Oh, yeah, release that butt

Oh, yeah, release that butt

Mrs. Van Ravensway?

What part

of "if you interrupt my meditation...

...I will jerk your tail in a knot"

do you not understand?

You told me

to tell you when dinner was ready.

Oh, thank God.

I'm craving some bourbon.

Victor.

- Oh. Um, dinner's ready.

- Tell me something I don't know.

Do you have any idea how stressful it is

to run this academy?

Yes, I spent the money at the spa.

Five thousand dollars a night

is not very expensive...

... when you think about the alternative,

which is me having a nervous breakdown.

Ow.

What are you doing?

I'm on the phone.

- I'm cleansing.

Heh, heh.

Mac and cheese.

I don't need your spiritual counseling.

I'm thinking of firing you.

Pace yourself, Ms. Gail,

or you will not be one with everything.

Honey, that's what I got you for.

Now, make me one with everything.

This Showcase is giving me the vapors.

How did this become my life?

Did I ever tell you all about the time

I nearly got my big break?

Yes.

- Good.

Then you all know how it goes.

I ain't gonna leap, I'm gonna jump

Find my way right out of this dump

- I had talent, and they made me...

A laughingstock.

Now look at me.

I got two ungrateful kids...

...a dwarfish, hairy, elfin servant...

...and a random

tablecloth-wearing Asian...

- Indian.

- Who makes no sense at all, ever.

Why don't you have another drink, Mom.

Katie, napkin me.

I have got to impress Guy Morgan...

...so I can stop pretending to care

about this insufferable school...

...and we can all move to Hollywood where

no one pretends to care about anything.

Mom, I think that you're forgetting

about the most important thing. Me.

Guy will give me a deal

as soon as he hears me sing.

- I doubt that.

- No, I've been practicing really hard.

My voice teacher says

I've transcended to a whole new level.

Yeah, I doubt it.

When my first single drops,

I'll buy you that mansion...

...in the Hollywood Hills...

...and you can finally afford

to have your legs lengthened.

- Oh, ba...

- Ms. Gail.

- Miss Bev has clarity.

Katie.

- You see...

- Look.

- The lowly peasant tills the soil

for 40 years without any rain.

But the unemployed salesman

who has recently discovered hydroponics...

...all of a sudden gets disgusted by the...

- And see? No sense.

- That didn't make any sense.

- Let me finish. You...

Oh, I doubt it. You have me pray all day.

- I don't feel nothing.

- You don't have a soul.

No, you don't have soul.

- I have a many souls. I'll give you one.

- Where's your third eye? Turn that thing on.

- I have a fourth eye too. You wanna see it?

- What?

- Shh.

I wanna be 6'4". Wow me, Bev.

Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do

Just stop. Stop the wowing, okay?

What's wrong?

- Somehow you've gotten worse.

I don't know how that was possible...

...but there isn't enough Auto-Tune

that's gonna fix you.

- Well, Katie's bad playing threw me off.

- I don't think it was that.

Again.

Really? Okay.

Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do

Ouch.

I could belch the song better.

Have you been drinking

the floor wax again?

Anything to forget I live here.

Ugh. My head is buzzing

like a skeeter on a septic tank.

- Ravi, meditate me.

Good luck, buddy.

Well, it doesn't matter,

because I have my own plan.

Does it make me a bad person

that I kind of enjoyed that?

No.

Hmm. Nice work.

- Guess who's on his way over.

- Not now, Victor, I'm busy.

Guess or prepare to get creamed.

Victor! Victor! Victor, stop!

I've got rings on my fingers

And glitter in my hair

I've got a one-way ticket

And I just got here

I'm gonna run...

- Ha-ha-ha.

- Victor, what are you doing?

Victor!

Victor, where did you put my clothes?

- Surprise!

- What? No.

I'm gonna kill you. Victor!

Oh, hi, Katie.

You are evil. Let me in.

I control every lock on this property.

Crap.

This is insane.

Yeah, try the shed, it's unlocked, idiot.

You gotta be kidding me.

Crap.

How did such an untalented daughter

spring from my loins?

Focus, Ms. Gail. We are making

an offering to your personal deity.

Tell him to give me fame and fortune.

Not exactly how it works.

Now, breathe through your Mula Bandha.

Oh, honey, if I could do that,

I'd get a million hits on YouTube.

How much longer is this gonna take?

Ugh.

The prayer or the fame and fortune?

Ha, ha. See you later.

Victor.

Katie?

- Luke.

- Katie.

- Are you wearing a doormat?

- Yes.

- Welcome.

- Why, thank you.

The truth. Um...

My stepbrother locked me

outside of the house.

Naked.

Oh, sorry. You should...

You should take my jacket.

Oh.

- Oh, no, no.

There.

- Thanks. Now the pants.

- Hmm?

I'm kidding.

- You got me.

- Ha, ha.

No, no.

One more parent-teacher conference,

I swear I'm gonna lose it.

Look at me. I'm an educator.

I have no real skills. And I will die

before I go back to my daddy's farm.

You tell my personal deity

to help me achieve Guy Morgan. Do it.

I'll put another banana on the altar.

What is that?

Do you hear angels singing?

Perhaps the gods

have answered your prayer.

Hey. What...?

- This is Gail Van Ravensway.

Hello.

Guy Morgan here. How are you?

Oh, well, hello, Guy.

What a surprise

to see you calling this number.

Do you hear this?

I can justify

That's the demo your girl, Katie...

... slipped into my briefcase.

And it sounds like money, dear.

She gave you a CD?

Oh, well. Well, ain't that the berries.

Ravi, what frigging god did you pray to?

Guy, yeah, it seems someone's

not being entirely honest here.

Katie, somebody get that door!

So...

...that meeting today...

...it was obvious

that your dad doesn't get you.

He's an idiot for not liking your music.

Well, it's... It's complicated.

I'm gonna just, uh...

Is it as complicated as me...

...getting stuck outside

in only a welcome mat?

That's not complicated.

That is a gift from God.

Luke. Katie. What are you doing?

Well, it seems your brother

is Satan's very own personal Mini-Me.

Oh, I know, tell me about it. Come on in.

Oh, my God, did you work out today?

- Sit down.

- Ooh, look at this.

- Ha, ha. Some lemonade.

- Why, thank you.

You know, my stepsister,

she has body issues...

...so I don't like

to discourage her nudity.

That's interesting.

- She's absolutely lovely...

- Would you like an appetizer?

Oh, fromage.

I only have cheese.

I just got off the phone

with Guy Morgan.

Your phone.

He just loved that little demo

you left him.

I have underestimated you.

It'd make me proud

if I cared about you.

- I didn't lie about anything.

- Oh, but, chicken, you did.

At least that's what Guy thinks,

now that I've clarified.

I told him it was Bev's demo

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