A Damsel in Distress

1

HE TAPS IMPATIENTLY

Order! Order!

Ladies and gentlemen, you're

all aware of what we're here for.

This sweepstake

has been inaugurated

to provide

a harmless sporting flutter

for the domestic staff

of Tottney Castle.

Get on with it! Why do you go on?

Order! Order! Silence!

We have come to the conclusion

that soon Lady Alyce will make

up her mind to get married,

so I've put all the eligibles

in this hat and whoever draws...

Gets the pot?

Whoever draws the happy man will become

the possessor of the total subscribed.

Well,

we will now proceed with the draw.

THEY ALL CHATTER

Thomas, the footman.

He draws..."The Hon. Wilfred

Washington Watkins."

Why couldn't I pull Reggie?

I don't know why you favour him.

With Lady Caroline backing him? Did

you ever know her not get her way?

Antoine, our respected cook.

"Sir George Belgrave."

Oh, too bad!

Now I draw.

Oh!

Mr Reggie.

THEY MURMUR UNHAPPILY

That, ladies and gentlemen,

concludes the proceedings.

Here! What about me?

What about my go at the pot?

I'm sorry.

There are no more starters, my boy.

Well, what's wrong with writing

me out a ticket for Mr X. Mr X?

Not in the field. If her ladyship

turns down Mr Reggie and the rest,

and marries some tee-total stranger,

it's my pot.

Any objections?

Very well.

There we are. Ha!

Ha, yourself with knobs on!

Want me to tell you something?

What?

Lady Alyce is in love with a young

American fella she met last year.

Barmy! That's what you are!

Oh, barmy, am I?

Then why has Lady Caroline appointed you

to watch her wherever she goes?

How do you know?

Listening at keyholes!

Keggs, she's running off to London.

She told me not to tell a soul.

London? What for?

To see Mr X. It's a walkover!

Lady Caroline

mustn't get a word of this.

Where you going?

FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Where are you off to?

To protect my investment.

Hello...? Yes,

this is Jerry Halliday's apartment.

No, I'm his publicity.

About what?

Well, you'll have to talk

to my secretary. She's not in yet.

You'd better call about 12 o'clock.

She'll be in then to go to lunch.

Hello.

You should have been in two hours

ago. Why? What happened?

What happened? Yes. If you're not on

time, I'll get another stenographer.

Another stenographer? Do you think

there's enough work for two of us?

Look, I mean I'm going to fire YOU!

Ye... Fire me!?

Yes!

If it wasn't for my father backing

Jerry's first show in the United States...

BOTH:
You wouldn't

be here in London now. No.

Without him, you wouldn't

work for me for two weeks.

You wouldn't

even work for me for two days!

Not even for two minutes!

Well, a girl couldn't ask

for shorter hours than that.

Here, sharpen this pencil.

Type that letter

I dictated last night?

Well, no, I didn't have time,

so I mailed them my notebook.

I hope they read shorthand.

Mailed your notebook!

You know, Gracie, I'm beginning

to think there's nothing up here.

Oh, George! You're self-conscious.

There.

That's it? Yes.

PHONE RINGS:

I'm not in. He's not in.

Find out who it is. Um...who?

It's a Hawaiian. A Hawaiian?

Well, he must be.

He says he's Brown

from the Morning Sun.

Look, the man's name is Brown.

Morning Sun is the newspaper he's

working for. Tell him I'm not here.

Oh, he's not here.

I tell you, he's not here.

Oh, you don't, huh?

Well, ask him if you don't

believe me. ..George...?

Hello. Mr Halliday is not in.

Mr Jerry Halliday,

the destroyer of feminine hearts...

I saw a crowd of women running.

Why were they running?

Cos you were chasing them? No, they

chased me. You and your publicity!

Gerry, these people believe you're

the same character off stage as on.

What's the difference

if you cash in at the box office?

Thanks to you, every woman who

reads rushes at or away from me.

Has it occurred to you I might

like to meet a young lady

who stands still for one second?

AHEM!

Sit down. Sit down!

A story is a story, Jerry.

And as long as they're read...

Here's a story. A true story.

I'm through! What?

What do you mean? Oh, Jerry!

Until I get out of this there'll

be no more love scenes, love songs,

love dances and no more love-sick

publicity! Listen, Jerry...

Jerry! Wait! Jerry!

WOMEN CLAMOUR:

Good morning.

Can I hide here, please?

Now, listen, miss.

This is too much.

Keggs mustn't see me.

Keggs?

Yes, he's following me. Keggs,

Aunt Caroline's head watchdog.

Here he is. Hide me.

You sir! You sir!

What's your trouble, my friend?

American, are you? Well, you can't

get away with this sort of thing.

What?

A young lady got in your cab.

Surely not. What do you mean?

I've been in the cab all this time

and I'd have noticed, sir.

Let me look inside this cab.

I will not, sir. Very well.

I'll be bound to force my way in.

Then, Keggs, I'm bound to force

you out. How did you know my name?

It's written behind you.

Who is he? He's Jerry Halliday.

He lives there? Yes,

The Devonshire. The Devonshire!

You're the American! Right.

Don't give her up,

we're going to win!

I suppose you're wondering what this

is about. Oh, no! Not my business.

And of course you're much too well

bred to enquire about my business.

Of course I am.

What's it all about?

Well, I'm in a perfectly

simple piece of trouble

and it'll bore you to

death if I tell you.

Open that door. Do you hear me?

Go away, my good man.

'Ello. What's all this?

I've another little idea here.

I say...

'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello.

Get out of there!

You've committed a breach of the

peace. You'll be charged for this.

Officer, I'm glad you arrived.

This man is annoying me.

There is a young lady in this cab.

Ridiculous! There is! There is not!

We shall see.

A practical joker, eh?

Playing jokes on the law! Come

along with me, the both of you!

There was a young lady and

you're evading the truth.

My friend... I'm denying nothing.

Ladies and gentlemen,

for your kind attention,

I will give you my impression

of Jerry Halliday.

Is it him? It is!

Come on, Jerry.

Give us a dance, will you?

Come on, Jerry. You can do it!

A bit of music for Jerry.

Come on, Jerry.

SWING MUSIC PLAYS

Now...

come here.

# Bad news, go away

# Call round some day

# In March or May

# I can't be bothered now

# My bonds and shares

# May fall downstairs

# Who cares? Who cares?

# I'm dancing

and I can't be bothered now

# I walk among the stars

# On earthly things I frown

# I'm throwing off the bars

that held me down

# I'll pay the piper

# When times get riper

# Just now, I shan't

# Because, you see, I'm dancing

and I can't be bothered now... #

I say there!

Eat my roses, will you?

Make me work twice as hard,

will you?

Take that! And that! And that!

Beg your pardon, your lordship.

What is it?

Milk, m'lord.

Milk?! What am I - a baby or a cow?

Take it away!

FANFARE BLARES:

HE BURSTS INTO A JAZZ TUNE

Reggie! Yes, Uncle John?

Stop that noise! Right-ho!

And stop saying "Right-ho".

Right-ho!

Take it away. Beg your pardon,

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