A Damsel in Distress Page #2

my lord. Lady Caroline's orders.

I'm not to move

until you've drunk the last drop.

Father! Hello, my dear.

Could you do me a favour? What?

Marry that saxophone-playing

pest and take him away from here.

I won't marry Reggie

and you know the reason.

All right, then. But next time you

slip to London, let me go with you.

I'd like to take a look at him.

So would I!

See him, your American?

How could I with Keggs following me

and fighting in the street?

I wish you'd be sensible

and forget him.

Being apart a year hasn't made me

forget him. That proves I love him.

REGGIE PLAYS A FANFARE

Stop that nonsense. Look!

Uh-oh. Stormy weather approaching.

John, read this, please.

You know I can't read

without glasses.

What the devil is it?

It may interest you to know

Keggs spent last night in prison.

Keggs!

Keggs, come here

Oh, Keggs!

So you hit a policeman, eh?

No, m'lord, I kicked him.

Caroline, you can put up

with a kicking steward, I can not.

You're sacked for being drunk

and disorderly in public.

Keggs was not drunk and disorderly.

I suppose you were an eyewitness.

Yes.

Then you were in London yesterday.

I'm appalled! I went there

to meet a man and Keggs followed.

I jumped into a cab to avoid him

and that's where he had a

struggle with the man in the cab.

You met your American!

I'd never seen the man before. It

just happened I got into his cab.

As if you'd get in a cab

with a stranger!

You're putting us off the scent!

From now on, you'll remain in the

grounds and be watched at all times.

Those are your father's orders.

Are they not, John?

I suppose.

Bah!

Good morning, children.

Hi, Jerry. Morning, Jerry.

Ah! Fan mail!

Yes. I'm through with that.

Now, listen, Jerry.

You can't quit even temporarily.

I am going to hide

away in the country

where no-one has heard of

Halliday the butterfly man,

beneath whose feet women's hearts

are crushed

as grapes in a wine press.

You wrote that.

Isn't this CUTE?!

"And if you come then,

no-one will suspect your presence.

"I love you, Alyce M."

Ha, ha, ha!

That's the girl in the cab.

What cab? She was in trouble.

Tottney Castle.

I wonder where that place is.

It's got a coat of arms -

a bona fide castle.

Oh,

that's where Napoleon came from.

Napoleon?

Yes, Napoleon BonaFIDE.

Father backed your first show,

remember? Yeah. Yeah.

Here it is. "Tottley Castle.

Present owner is Lord Marshmoreton,

"his sister Lady Caroline

and daughter Lady Alyce.

"Since the 1400s, Tottley

has been the seat of the Earl..."

Oh, George, you must lose that

Brooklyn accent. You mean "oil".

I mean "earl". Oil and earl

are two different things.

Your daddy

doesn't go to bed oily, does he?

He did when he worked

for the gas station.

Listen, Gracie.

In England there are several titles

for the nobility -

lords, dukes, earls...

Oh, that's my daddy!

If he ever gets his dukes on the

Earl Company's money, Lord help 'em!

I made that up myself. You did?

Yeah!

Where's the car? Downstairs.

Say, have you any idea what

a publicity story this will make?

Can't you see the headlines? Pretty

peeress putty in Halliday's hands.

"I love you, Alyce M."

I mean, it's incredible. How can she

say that when she doesn't know me!

Everybody reads my stuff.

Thursday is visitors' day.

What's today?

I don't know.

You can tell if you look

at that newspaper on your desk.

Oh, this is no help, George.

It's yesterday's paper.

Her father... Backed my first show.

Yes.

REGGIE PLAYS A GENTLE, SOMBRE TUNE

Hurry, Thomas. Yes, Mr Keggs.

They'll be here any moment. We

shall be over-run by proletariats.

Yes, Mr Keggs.

Why they would pay a shilling

to be led about like dumb animals

gaping into the interiors of their

betters, I'll never understand.

It makes them feel envious of us.

Keggs,

I'm expecting madrigal singers.

Show them into the ballroom.

Yes, m'lady.

Oh, dear. Is it Thursday?

I fear so, m'lady.

Well, open the doors and windows

after they've gone. Yes, m'lady.

HE PLAYS A RAGTIME TUNE

# Hey, hey, a mother of three

# Ho, ho, a mother of three

Hey, hey... #

HE FALLS SILEN HE PLAYS A GENTLE, SOMBRE TUNE

Keep in line, please.

Try to keep in line and hand me a

shilling as you pass. Thank you.

Good old Tottney Castle.

Isn't it beautiful?

It's almost pretty enough

to be a filling station.

Filling station?

This castle is over 300 years old.

Oliver Cromwell

went through here in 1628.

Well, that's fast in those days.

I mean he went through the castle.

Couldn't stop the car, huh?

BOTH:
No, he couldn't stop the car!

Admission is one shilling.

Oh, well, we usually get more

than that but we'll go in.

I don't pay the people,

they pay me.

Oh. Well, then, give me my money

back. You didn't give me any money.

Well, that's not my fault.

Here's your money. Thank you.

How much did he give you?

Two shillings.

And how much is the admission?

One shilling.

Well, then, give me my change.

Oh, I beg your pardon, madam, I was

a little confused for a moment.

Thank YOU! Don't mention it.

Hey! Not so fast, sir.

Oh, hello there, how are you?

I'm sorry about your hat, old man.

This castle is not open to you.

I thought it was open to

anyone who paid a shilling.

To you, not on payment of 1 million.

Thomas, Henry.

Eject him! ..Come, Albert.

Outside the rope.

Oh, George, imagine meeting a

deep-sea diver here. of all places!

Deep-sea diver? Yes. That's armour.

Mr Armour must be somewhere in his

underwear, he's not in his suit.

Probably slipped out for a smoke.

Oh. Oh.

We are now in the main hall.

Bang! Bang!

You notice what that sign says?

"Do not finger art..."

Well, I don't blame Art.

If I were Art, I'd object too!

I don't get it.

Next, I would like to point out this

portrait of a very famous countess,

mother of five daughters,

whose husband was...

I know, an accountant.

Oh! Go right ahead. Thank you.

I'm happy to relate

that his lordship

gave more than 5,000

for that portrait. 5,000lb of what?

BOY WHISTLES:

Told you I was your friend,

didn't I? Now I'll prove it.

Good boy. Don't muss my hair!

Got a cigarette?

Sorry, this is the last one.

No.

See them?

They're the madrigal singers.

You can slip in with them

and I'll take you to see Lady Alyce.

Good.

You've got here just in time.

If I've ever seen

an impatient woman, she's one.

Now, this balcony

is an historical spot

known in family tradition

as Leonard's Leap.

In the year 1787, a young Scottish

nobleman, Lord Leonard Strathbungo,

hurled himself from that balcony

to avoid compromising the beautiful

Countess Of Marshmoreton.

This was a feat of bravery

and daring which,

in the whole history of the castle,

has never been duplicated.

Thank you. Thank you.

Did he break his neck? George, maybe

he didn't like his neck. Maybe.

Now those of you who may wish,

will be conducted by the footmen

to inspect the model dairy.

Why?

I am happy to relate

that his lordship is the owner of

Rate this script:2.0 / 1 vote