A Damsel in Distress Page #3

no fewer than 15 hundred cows.

Does he herd sheep? Oh, George, you

can't say, "Does he heard sheep?"

You mean, "Does he hear sheep?"

or "Has he heard sheep?"

But you can't say...

ALL:
"Does he heard sheep?" NO.

Well, now we will return

by way of the ballroom.

George, isn't he a silly man!

Now, let's all start together.

Right-ho.

And let's try and finish together.

# There was a jolly British tar

who met a milkmaid bonny

# He said, How beautiful

you are, with a hey and a nonny

# With a hey and a nonny

# Such golden hair I ne'er did see

with lips to shame a cherry

# Oh, buxom milkmaid, marry me

# With a down-a-derry

# With a down-a-down-a-derry

# Our hearts could rhyme, said she

# Tis flattered I'm, said she

# But oh, ah, me

You see, you see, you see, you see

# I happen to be

I happen to be the mother of three

# A wife already and mother of three

# Of three, of three, of

three, of three, of three

# The mother of three... #

# The jolly tar, he laughed a lot

# Tis for the best, my bonny

# That you won't be my better half

With a hey and a nonny

# With a hey and a nonny

# I near forgot on seeing you

That I've a wife in Kerry

# In Spain and also Timbuktu

# With a down-a-derry

With a down-a-down-a-derry... #

# ...You've got me thinking twice

Goodbye to shoes and rice

# For, ah, me

You see, you see

# Now, you see, I happen to be

I happen to be the husband of three

# A-spliced already

and husband of three

# A-spliced already

and husband of three

# Of three

Of three, of three, of three

# Of three, of three, of three

Of three, of three, of three

# A husband o-o-o-o-o-o-f

# Three

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Ah! #

BOY WHISTLES:

After him and turn him out. Very

well, m'lady. ..Thomas! ..Henry!

Sit down. Hurry up!

Now...

close your eyes.

Now count. Count?

You're surprising her, ain't you?

It'll be more romantic.

She can creep softly in

and plant a kiss on your brow.

All right.

Count.

One, two, three,

four... Louder.

Five, six...

Give it a bit more.

Eleven, twelve...

thirteen...

eighteen, nineteen, twenty,

twenty-one,

twenty-two, twenty-three,

twenty-four,

twenty-five, twenty-six,

twenty-seven, twenty-eight,

twenty-seven. I said that before.

Twen...

I got here

just as quickly as I could.

You did?

Yes.

You're feeling quite well?

Well, I'm not used

to all this excitement.

Oh, one of our gardeners

got sunstroke yesterday.

Is that so?

Yes, um...he stood out in the sun

too long without his hat on.

That made HIM all funny in the head.

Yes.

Um...now what happens?

What can I do to help you?

Help?

Well, you're in distress,

aren't you? In a way, yes.

They're keeping you prisoner.

Yes. Well, I wouldn't have dreamed

it possible in this day and age!

Locking a girl up like a prisoner to keep

her away from... The man she loves.

How did you know?

Um...you're quite sure

about this being-in-love thing?

I mean, it isn't just

a quick schoolgirl crush? Oh, no.

It's the real thing?

Oh, well, really,

I...find it quite embarrassing.

Don't be shy. Not with me.

I mean, I want you to just, well,

tell me everything.

But I couldn't possibly!

I've only met you once.

I'll tell you what, let's pretend

I'm an old friend of the family,

an uncle or something like that,

and, well, you're talking about a third

person who isn't here. How's that?

It might make it easier.

Now...

All right. Here we go.

Um...you do really,

shall we say, um...

care for this man? I love him.

Why?

Well, in the first place, he's...

the most charming man in the world.

And...in the second place,

he's divinely handsome.

You're crazy!

Well, I beg your pardon,

I think so.

Well, all right. We won't argue

that point any further.

Go on.

Um...American?

Yes.

Um...you'd say,

"He's got what it takes."

Listen, you know, I can stand so much

and then... KNOCK AT DOOR

Alyce! Alyce!

It's Aunt Caroline. Alyce? Yes?

I want to speak to you.

Just a moment. ..Get out of here.

Aunt Caroline will find you.

The balcony. Alyce?

But don't go near the edge.

Where's that man? What man?

It's no good staring like that.

That man was seen coming upstairs.

You're hiding him.

Psst!

The balcony! Don't be silly,

Aunt Caroline. The balcony?!

Well, it appears I was mistaken.

I'm sorry.

He did it. Did what?

The leap!

Leonard, I mean.

Well, of course he did.

Aunt Caroline, has any man

been known to do it since Leonard?

Certainly not!

Oh, what courage!

Leonard, you mean?

Yes, Leonard, of course. Oh.

Keep the motor running.

Did you see her, Jerry? Yes, yes.

Good. Now we can go to Paris.

"Don't lose courage.

I'll be waiting to help you.

"What do I do next?" Thanks.

Say, you, gardener?

Look,

where can one stay around here?

There's several cottages

down the road.

Can you keep your mouth shut?

Look, I want you to give this note

to Lady Alyce, first chance.

And here's 1 for your trouble.

Did you tell his lordship

I wish to see him? Yes, m'lady.

Where is he, then? He's coming now.

He was taking his bath. Very well.

REGGIE PIPES A JOLLY TUNE

Stop that infernal noise!

Yes, stop it, Reggie. Right-ho!

BAGPIPES WHEEZE:

Well, what is it? What is it?

I want to speak to you, John.

Nice time to choose!

Keggs, repeat to his lordship

what you just told me. Very good.

I have been informed by the cook,

who was informed by the footman,

who was informed by the scullery

maid, who had it from the milkman...

You forgot the first maid. Shut up!

Oh, go ahead, man.

What did the syndicate tell you?

That three Americans now occupy

Leonard's Manor, m'lord.

Alyce's American and his friends.

They're just down the road!

Well, John? What do you mean, "Well,

John?" What do you expect me to do?

You will go and horsewhip him

immediately.

Oh, but I couldn't possibly.

Why, I-I hardly know the person.

You'll do it directly

you've had breakfast.

Oh, all right, I'll think it over.

Well, now you've rented this bungalow,

what am I expected to do?

Sit and watch you

being a hermit?

Where's your sense of romance?

Did you hear what she said?

Leonard lived here.

Oh, have some sense, Jerry. Come on!

Oh, I can't go now. She needs me.

She's in trouble. Oh, Jerry!

Don't be pessimistic. She may still

be in trouble when you get back.

Don't unpack, Mr Halliday,

he's on his way over! Who?

His lordship! He's coming

to chase you out of the place!

Chase me out of the place?

Please, sir. You'd better hurry. If

you don't go, he'll horsewhip you.

How old-fashioned!

Horsewhipping in this day and age,

when they can run over him!

What will they think of next?

Please, sir. Hurry! Hurry!

Relax, my dear boy,

I'm not leaving. I like it here.

I'm filled with the spirit of

Leonard. Please, change your mind.

You can't defy him! It's time

someone defied the old wolf.

That's him!

He'll kill me if he finds me here!

You'd better take Gracie

into the next room.

I want to see what happens.

You'll hear.

Rate this script:2.0 / 1 vote