A day at the park

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INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

Timmy (offscreen) is seen making a cup of coffee for his mom, Kathy (Played by Annie Baltic). He walks up to Kathy and gently wakes her up.

KATHY:
Good morning, sweetie. Ready for mama to chaperone you on your first school field trip?

Timmy points at the clock, and Kathy realizes they are late.

KATHY:
(Screaming) fuuuuuuuck, we're four hours late for this goddamn bullshit! Samantha, wake up! We're leaving in negative six minutes! Wake up your F***ing sister!

Kathy stabs the cereal box angrily and pours it into a bowl while screaming.

INT. BATHROOM - MORNING

Kathy is brushing her teeth hurriedly while screaming.

KATHY:
Hurry up! We're losing time!

Kathy frantically searches for her rash ointment.

KATHY:
Where the hell is my rash ointment? F*** it, momma is going to itch!

Kathy's baby starts crying while she aggressively pours cereal into a bowl and continues screaming.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Kathy searches for Samantha, calling out her name.

KATHY:
Samantha!

She pours milk into the cereal bowl with equal aggression.

KATHY:
We're leaving in three seconds!

INT. BATHROOM - MORNING

Kathy is in the bathroom talking to herself.

KATHY:
The showers are going to have to be PTA - pits, tits, and ass!

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

Kathy is back in the kitchen, splashing milk everywhere.

KATHY:
(screaming) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

She notices Caillou playing on the TV.

KATHY:
Timmy, let's go! No time for Caillou!

INT. CAR - DAY

Kathy is in her car, speaking to Timmy.

KATHY:
No time for seatbelts! Mama is going to gas this thing. We need to go through time!

Kathy speeds while screaming.

KATHY'S DAD: (CALEB REYNOLDS) Can I get an ice cream when we get there?

Kathy looks surprised and asks her dad why he's here.

KATHY:
Dad, what are you doing here?

KATHY'S DAD: (CALEB REYNOLDS) I've been locked in here since last Friday.

Kathy dismisses him and spots Elmer.

KATHY:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, look, there's that hippie f*** I've been telling you about!

Kathy approaches Elmer.

ELMER:
Hello, welcome to the park! Thank you for bringing your F***ing' kids!

INT. PARK - DAY

Kathy is rushing around, telling Timmy to go play with his friends.

KATHY:
Timmy, go play with your friends. Don't touch me. Hi Donna, you look very mature today!

DONNA (played by Ciara Hannah) is with her roommate, SAM (played by Caleb Reynolds).

DONNA:
(to Kathy)Oh, hi Kathy. Look at you out of the house by noon.

SAM:
(to the camera)I’m having a fancy dandy picnic with my roommate, Donna.

DONNA:
We need more Coke.

SAM:
We packed Pepsi. Right here. We are trying to celebrate her breakthrough role as a butt pimple commercial spokesperson.

(Commercial Plays)

DONNA:
(to the camera)Hemorrhoids used to control my life, but thanks to Anisol, I’ve turned my hemorrhoids in the hole. Now, my assh*le doesn’t look a day over five.

NARRATOR:
(voiceover)Ask your doctor if Anisol is right for you. Side effects may include dizziness, larger hemorrhoids, and obscene blood flooding.

(Commercial Ends)

Elmer (played by Caleb Reynolds) approaches.

ELMER:
This is a Saratogian nettle. They’re extremely nutritious.

(Elmer takes a bite of the Saratogian nettle, then quickly barfs.)

ELMER:
(to the camera) I was incorrect.

(Elmer talks to himself, in voiceover)

ELMER:
Hello, I’m Elmer. I’ve been a park ranger for a month.

(Elmer talks to a person, Filipino Man, then switches to voiceover)

ELMER:
Excuse me, Filipino man. Please do that in the bathroom.

(Elmer talks, in voiceover)

ELMER:
I love working in the outdoors.

(Elmer starts making out with a tree)

ELMER:
(voiceover) Not because I’m Mexican, but because I’m Native American.

(Elmer talks to himself)

ELMER:
Aren’t these trees beautiful? They are the oldest living beings in the park.

(Kathy’s Dad, played by Caleb Reynolds, bumps into Elmer)

ELMER:
I was wrong.

KATHY’S DAD:
Please, I need you to help me find my family, or I might not make it back to civilization.

ELMER:
As a park ranger, it is my responsibility and honor. It will also give me ample time to fill you in on the 31 dangers of Styrofoam. Number one

(Kathy’s dad runs away)

Kathy’s Dad:
Oh, f*** this!

(Helen Brownstein, played by Annie Baltic, enters with a megaphone)

Helen:
Stop running! Hey you, in the slutty outfit, no one is getting pregnant in my jungle gym!

(Helen talks to the camera)

Helen:
You know, I’m surprised they let me be the field trip supervisor after passing out last time.

(Helen falls asleep and wakes up with blue hair)

Helen:
What the hell! Which one of you Dick twitches dyed my hair? I’m gonna go back to sleep, and when I wake up, I want this fixed!

(Helen sleeps and wakes up again, now bald)

Helen:
Goddammit!

(Helen is then seen with her hair back)

Helen (voiceover): I never take my eyes off of children, not even when I go to the bathroom.

(Helen says to the camera)

Helen:
I have a technique. I let out only a little, then absorb. I let that evaporate, and start back at square one.

(Helen is seen near a dumpster with a megaphone)

Helen:
I found the fourth graders! They are inside each other!

(Sam, played by Caleb Reynolds, is running)

Sam (to the camera): I’ll run as much as I want to. Running is a great way to clear up last night’s bad choices. I had cheesecake. I am just loving life!

(Sam trips on a tent and falls)

(Jürgen emerges from the tent)

Jürgen:
Help! Im under attack by a lesbian!

(Scene changes to Jürgen talking to the camera)

Jürgen:
I have decided to spend 4 days in the wilderness to work on my creative concentration.

(Changes to him yelling at his employees)

Jürgen:
Hurry up with mein concentration camp!

Damian:
Workin' for a blind fashion designer f***in' blows. His latest line of brail clothing really costs us a pretty penny in sexual harassment suits.

American Boyfriend: So we convince him to go to Cancun for a few days just to get him out of the office.

Person on Megaphone: Welcome aboard! Our nonstop flight to Cancun will be 15 minutes.

Jürgen:
Gott in himel, this flight must have cost a fortune. Alteast we're not traveling with any poor people though, am I right? *laughs*

Jurgen:
Oopsie daisy! I don't think this is the bathroom! Hail Five! *Nazi salute high five* I don't feel creative yet! You two are the worst Asian employees I've ever hired!

Asian Girlfriend: HUH?! What's wong with Asian, a**hole?!

American Boyfriend: Heyya babe... uh w-where you been?

Asian Girlfriend: You left me at a goddamn

McDonalds, I wasn't loving it!

American Boyfriend: Yeah, things haven't been going too well with me and my girlfriend.

Obviously we can't be nice towards each other, but we can fake it. So, I hired an acting coach to help us save our relationship.

Coach:
I'd like to start out with some acting exercises-

Asian Girlfriend: You told me there would be no exerciIIIIISE!

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