A Dirty Shame

Sylvia...

Sylvia...

Sylvia

Smile for me

Fill my world

with poetry

Forget those

faraway dreams

That haunt you

Sylvia

Young in years

Let the sunshine

Dry your tears

And we

will walk in the wind

And stars

Like April lovers

With hearts aglow...

Come on back

to bed, Sylvia.

Can't you see

l'm cooking scrapple?

lt can wait.

Sex is in the air.

Not in here it isn't.

l got work, Vaughn.

Your mother

is up the store.

lt's light out, for Christ's sake.

What's gotten into you?

Come on, move!

...Forget those

faraway dreams

That haunt you...

God!

...Let the sunshine

Dry your tears

And we will walk

in the wind...

Damn it!

Jesus Christ.

Oh-hh!

...With hearts aglow

Till love discloses

Where the secret

roses grow...

You seen my keys?

Ow!

l said, have you seen

my keys?

Where did you

leave them?

lf l knew where l'd left them, they

wouldn't be lost, would they?

Vaughnhole!

Oh, Jesus Christ Almighty!

lt's not my fault.

Somebody left his magazine on the front

porch and it got me all riled up.

Oh, sure,

''somebody left it.''

sure, sure...

You said

you didn't want to.

l mean a man has needs, Sylvia.

Marital needs.

My gal is red hot, yeah!

My gal is red hot

Your gal ain't

doodly squat

Well, she ain't got

no money, but man

She's really

got a lot

Well, l got a gal,

six feet four...

Ooh.

...My gal is red hot

Your gal

ain't doodly squat

Yeah, my gal

is red hot

Your gal

ain't doodly squat

Well, she ain't got

no money, but, man...

lsn't it a little early

for that, Caprice?

l'm developing

my act, Mother.

Mutilating your mammaries

and gyrating down at some biker bar

is an act, all right,

an act of defiance.

l was a legend down at the Holiday

House, in case you didn't know it.

Morning, honey.

Daddy, let me go down to the bar

and perform.

You're in home detention,

cupcake.

The ''government'' wants you to stay

indoors for a while, huh?

You're just too pretty

to go out.

We let you keep your tawdry theatrical

mementoes. lsn't that enough?

You were convicted

of indecent exposure for the third time.

l was promoting

the art of dance.

With nude loitering?!

Nude and disorderly conduct?

Nude drunken driving?

l was not drunk.

l was on pills.

Something is the matter

with you, Caprice.

You are such a Neuter,

Mother.

And Neuters will never

understand.

Something is the matter

with your vagina.

Hulh

Morning,

Mrs. Stickles.

Oh, you brat!

l'm gonna report you.

Morning.

Formstone's looking good.

Ah, it's the real McCoy

all right, vintage.

- Paid through the nose for it.

- Oh.

One thing we've learned-- proper

restoration never comes cheaply.

l need to go down to

the bar-- just for an hour!

Come on, Dad, don't lock it.

Daddy, let me go!

My public needs me!

- Ooh!

- Mrs. Stickles,

my name is Fat F*** Frank.

And l'm your daughter's

number one fan.

She moved to

the Erie Canal area.

Hey, Vaughn.

Hey!

Caprice retired

from show business.

She's no longer

a public figure.

Her name ain't Caprice,

it's ''Ursula Udders.'' And she's famous.

She got the biggest tits

on Harford Road.

Ursula! Ursula Udders!

Texture, that's

what l call it.

lt's me,

Fat F*** Frank.

And l miss

them great big--

Destroy all Neuters!

We sure didn't

have this in D.C.

God, l love Baltimore.

lt's a real city of diversity.

Sylvia! Sylvia,

we need gas, honey!

Get gas.

Honey,

still mad?

Remember to fill it up.

l'll walk, don't worry.

Hmm?

Ugh!

Smokey the bear,

Smokey the bear

- Prowling and a-growling...

- Grr!

Hi! Grrr-rr! Woof!

- Grrr!

- Woof! Woof!

That's why they called him Smokey,

that is how he got his name...

- Hi, Vaughn.

- Morning, Betty.

Does the Pinewood

Park-and-Pay sell lotions?

You know--

ointments?

We sure do.

How is that fine wife

of yours doing?

She's up at the store

like always, Wendell.

Don't you

find it funny

that every man

in this neighborhood has a penis?

Well, not really,

Betty.

Sheeze...!

Uglh!

Oh, don't.

Jesus, Mary,

and Joseph!

Olh!

...Whoa, whoa-whoa

l need your loving--

oh, that's it, babe.

That's it, oh-oh-oh.

Oh, God!

Ooh, that's it, baby.

Oh, talk to the mike,

talk to the mike. Ooh-ooh.

Oh, that's what

l call a hum job. Oh, yeah.

Come on.

Oh, okay.

l'm out of gas.

Move it, Neuter!

- Oh, God!

- How am l supposed to move with no gas?

Get out of the way!

We're in a hurry.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa!

- Filthy little hedges.

- Morning, Marge.

Growin' all dirty,

makes me sick.

Hi, l'm ''Mama Bear.''

have you met

my hus-bear?

No, l haven't.

l'm ''Papa Bear.''

And this is our cub,

''Baby Bear.''

Grrr!

l'm Vaughn. Welcome

to the Harford Road area.

When we take over,

it's gonna be a--

''Bearquake!''

...Happy, happy, happy

With a big bear hug.

- Come on.

- Move that piece of sh*t.

Can you call

Triple-A, please?

Hurry up,

l've got a hot date.

What, at 7:
00 a.m.?

What's the matter with you?

You'd have a date too

if you wore some make-up.

- Your poor husband.

- Huh?

Ooh-hh!

lf you could just

help me, l'd--

Ooh!

lt's her!

Let's go sexing.

Sylvia...

Olh!

Ooh!

Hello, ma'am.

My name is Ray Ray

and l'm here to-- service you.

l'm Sylvia,

and l hit my head. Oh.

A concussion

is a terrible thing

to waste.

lt's okay.

Ooh!

My p*ssy's on fire.

l know it is.

lt's a burning bush.

Show me a sign, Sylvia.

We knew you'd come.

All l can do

is pass the gift.

Huh?

You're a sex addict now

and you'll never be the same.

Ooh-aah--!

There you go.

All better?

Oh, thank you so much.

l don't know

what came over me.

Well, you recognized the concussion

and there's no going back now.

l'm gonna give you

my card.

Sex addicts

are everywhere, Sylvia,

and pretty soon,

Harford Road will be ours.

Oh, hey, hold on.

Ray Ray

is a sexual healer.

Come visit us,

Sylvia.

Your people

are waiting.

Olh

One day we're going

to discover a brand new sex act,

one that's never

been performed before.

And we hope you'll be

with us on that day of carnal rapture.

Ooo

Alh

P*ssy, ooh...

Sore, wet, ooh...

My pussycat was scratching out

on my back door...

...Scratched so long

poor p*ssy got sore

Sore p*ssy, ooh...

Sore... p*ssy... ooh

Just a friendly

little cat

Friendly little cat

My pussycat

was sitting out on the front step

Sat so long poor p*ssy got wet,

sore p*ssy.

Hello, Mrs. Stickles.

Oh boy, am l blushing?

Everyone is familiar with

the traditional forms of pornography.

But the lnternet

is creating new forms--

- You going to the movies, Dave?

- Huh?

Hell, you're picking

your seat, aren't you?

Dykes!

Used to be Harford Road

was for families.

Now it's

a lesbian aorta.

Mother,

l don't feel well.

Well, no wonder,

they've got blatant homosexuals

shopping right in our store.

They eat life,

you know.

- Jesus!

- Sperm!

Did you see those

new neighbors moving in?

Hmm? Grown men with

hairy legs prancing around half naked--

''We're bears.'' what the hell is that

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