A Dirty Shame Page #2

supposed to mean?

Free country,

Big Ethel.

Yeah well, we got laws

to protect decency.

And it would

be nice

if somebody enforced them.

Well, as my mother

used to say--

'''Each to their own,' said the old lady

as she kissed the cow.''

Perverts are taking over

this neighborhood.

Ugh! Mr. Mailman,

as of next week,

we're not carrying

the girlie magazines no more.

That's a shame.

Makes me sick to see government

employees looking at that filth, Marge.

And on taxpayers' time yet.

That's why the mail's late.

Yeah, and the post office has the nerve

to raise the price of a stamp.

While mailmen are

beating off everywhere.

l found a used condom

in my back yard.

You think that's bad?

Somebody wrote

the word ''boner''

on our parking lot wall

last night.

We've got to do something,

Marge.

People have got to know

how bad things are getting.

No wonder l've got

to take heart pills.

l read in the paper

the other day

that the average married couple has sex

over 100 times a year.

That's a lie.

People would be raw if that was true.

l'll be at your meeting all right,

with bells on.

You have, uh, AAA batteries?

l certainly do.

You sure these

are the right ones?

You want me

to take them out?

No, no, l guess l'll buy them.

Well, get down there,

mutha, and start scarfing.

What the hell?

l mean, Jesus...

for Christ's sake! l'm moving to Towson.

Harford Road--

where life is cheap.

- Only you can prevent fornication.

- Yeah, yeah.

You see, Marge?

People in the neighborhood have had it.

lt wasn't this bad

in the '60s.

You're right.

Someone left a dildo

in my neighbor's wishing well,

right on her

front lawn.

People are just ignorant

everywhere.

Morning, Big Ethel.

Uh, what's good about a morning

with d*ldos in it?

Amen to that.

My husband's on Viagra.

- Oh, you poor thing!

- Every minute, he wants it.

He has no right

to be that hard.

l'm Viagra-vated

and l'm not gonna take it anymore.

Sylvia!

Feeling better,

huh?

Mail here

for Ursula Udders.

Her name is Caprice

and she's got shingles.

Our daughter doesn't really participate

in the mail these days.

l'll take the fan mail to her, Warren.

Don't you worry.

You should be ashamed of yourself,

Mr. Mailman.

Ashamed of what,

Big Ethel?

- Damn, l could deliver that one.

- Oh, keep it up.

l'm gonna call the Postmaster general--

lf he's not whacking off--

and report

your potty mouth.

Sex addicts

are everywhere, Sylvia.

You wanna

have funch?

What's ''funch,''

honey?

F***ing

after lunch.

Funch, huh?

Come on.

This must be my lucky day.

- Hmm, spaghetti...

- Yeah, she'll ring it up for you.

Where do you two

think you're going?

lt's not safe out.

People are shaving

their crotches as we speak.

There's pubic hair

in the air everywhere.

We're having

a decency rally,

and l think you two

need to be there.

Yeah.

l've got hot nuts

- What kind of station is that?

- A good one.

...l've got hot nuts...

- Feeling frisky, eh?

- Uh-huh.

Let's open one of Caprice's

fan letters.

That's her

personal mail.

Oh, look...

it's from the mailman. He sent Caprice

a photo of his penis. Ooh!

He what?

Are you kidding me?

Give me the picture.

Give me the picture. Give me the pic--

l'm not kidding around.

This is disgusting.

Well, he's got

a big one.

What kind of talk

is that?

Oh, they're all photos

of the mailman's unit.

l'm calling

the cops.

Yes, sir,

a real arse-opener!

Stop it, Sylvia.

Pink steel!

What's the matter

with you?

Hey, Vaughn,

feel like ''yodeling in the canyon''?

We have to visit

my mother, remember?

Oh, come on,

you wanted to earlier.

Well, not that,

l didn't.

Come on, Vaughn,

discover the oyster.

Honey, this is Pinewood Avenue.

We live here.

Can't we wait

till we get back to the house?

Oh, go ''way down

South in Dixie.''

All right, all right,

just keep a look out.

Okay.

Oh-hh!

No--!

Oh!

Now that's what l call

''sneezing in the cabbage.''

Olh!

Harford Road,

let's all band together.

Horndogs are everywhere.

Pretty soon they'll be living next door.

Decency, that's all

l'm asking for. Decency!

Decency's fine.

But diversity in a neighborhood

is a good thing too.

This isn't diversity,

it's depravity.

On my way over here,

l saw a man

performing oral sex

on a lady

in a car

in broad daylight.

Lesbians have taken over

the softball fields.

So? Lesbians are

good neighbors.

We need to start by teaching tolerance

in our own homes.

Some guy was playing with himself

near me in the movies.

You're saying that's normal?

His crotch was shaved!

These are isolated

incidents.

No, they're not.

Look, l'm not a prude.

l'm married to an ltalian.

But l am disgusted.

l live near what they call

''The Bear House.''

Last night,

hairy, overweight men

who call themselves bears

were having sex

outside the house.

My children heard them.

''Mommy, what's that noise?''

They actually asked me.

l raced outside

clapping my hands loudly

and l yelled--

''No blow jobs!''

And they just laughed.

Some of them

even growled at me.

Oh, no!

Today, somebody

called me a Neuter.

And you know what?

l didn't mind.

lf neuter means ''normal,''

l'll say it loud--

l am Marge, the Neuter,

and l'm proud.

That's right!

We're all Neuters!

And we'll never,

never be not normal!

You put your left foot in,

you put your left foot out

You put your left foot in

And you shake it

all about

You do the Hokey-Pokey

and you turn yourself around

- That's what it's all about

- Right arm!

You put your right arm in,

you put your right arm out

You put your right arm in

and then you shake it all about...

Left arm!

You put your left arm in,

you put your left arm out

You put your left arm in

and then you shake it all about

You do the Hokey-Pokey

and you turn yourself around

That's what

it's all about

Right elbow!

You put your right elbow in,

you put your right elbow out

You put your right elbow in

and you shake it all about

You do

the Hokey-Pokey...

Hi!

- That's what it's all about...

- Hey, Mom.

You put your left elbow in,

you put your left elbow out...

- Come on, let's dance.

- And then you shake it all about...

Head!

You put your head in,

you put your head out

You put your head in

and you shake it all about

You do the Hokey-Pokey

and you turn yourself around

That's what

it's all about

Right hip!

You put your right hip in,

you put your right hip out

You put your right hip in

and you shake it all about

You do the Hokey-Pokey

and you turn yourself around

That's what

it's all about

Left hip!

You put your left hip in,

you put your left hip out

You put your left hip in

and you shake it all about...

Whole self!

You put your whole self in,

you put your whole self out

You put your whole self in

and you shake it all about

You do the Hokey-Pokey

and you turn yourself around

That's what it's

all about

Backside!

You put your backside in,

you put your backside out

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