A Fantastic Fear of Everything Page #8

But fate intervened

and Brian got lost.

And to make matters worse,

there was a treacherous fog.

"Hello, " he cried.

"Is anyone there?"

But no one replied,

and Brian got scared.

And that's when he saw

he wasn't alone.

A small, crumpled body

was lying in the road.

"Why didn't you leave me?"

said Brian.

"And just let me die?"

"You're my brother," said Harold.

"How on earth could I?"

And that's when they heard

the pitiful cries

of a very small hedgehog

whose mother just died.

And suddenly

Brian just started to blub.

He picked up the babe

and gave it a hug.

"This little thing, you know,

reminds me of us.

"Left all alone

when Mum caught that bus."

"The spell has been broken,"

said Harold.

"It's time to break free.

You're not really a monster.

"You're a hedgehog, like me."

(SOFT SOBBING)

(SNIFFING)

(SOBS SOFTLY)

I tell you what,

that is a beautiful story.

- I suppose they...

- Adopted the baby hedgehog. Yes.

Oh, mate.

It's symbolic. You see,

they discovered their true selves.

They start again where they left off

before the trauma

of losing their mum.

I tell you, that was my life,

right there in that cave.

I'm not a monster, am I?

No. You just need some help.

I'll let you into a secret.

I'm not even a proper serial killer.

That Vietnamese bloke, the one

in the marshes, I didn't kill him.

- What?

- No, he must've tripped and fell.

He was dead when I found him.

Yeah, but the fingers,

the Hanoi Handshake?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I did do that.

Well, otherwise,

he was just a bloke in a ditch.

Oh, her? It's just a mannequin.

I found her in a bin

outside Topshop.

So you're not a killer, then.

You're like me.

We were both abandoned.

We're the same.

We're like...

Yes. Brothers.

(JINGLE BELLS RING TONE)

Er, it's... It's not mine.

I just... I picked it up.

(DOOR OPENS)

Brother?

- Help.

- Help.

"So Harold

and his long-lost brother Brian

"lived happily afterwards in the old

hedgerow beside the churchyard."

And remember, no matter how dark

and scary those woods may seem,

there's a way across the road for

a hedgehog brave enough to cross it.

- Thank you.

- (APPLAUSE)

- Hey.

- Hey, hi.

- You look fantastic.

- Thank you.

That was a wonderful story.

Congratulations. Perfect synthesis

of Jungian and Freudian thought.

Harold's lost self is recovered,

whilst acknowledging the important

role that the false self

played in surviving

the terror of abandonment.

Well, it's all credit to you,

Professor Friedkin.

Next book, Harold must address

his destructive Oedipal complex

and help Brian with his tendency

towards malignant anal hoarding.

Darling, I've brought someone

I think you should finally meet.

Harvey Humphries.

You. You never came

to see me, did you?

Oh, you

are a very, very naughty boy.

Harvey's still very interested

in "Decades of Death", Jack.

Maybe you two can get together

and discuss it later?

(SINISTER VOICE)

Can you see the spider?

And the farmer in his field?

Can you see the lovely ladybird?

And what about

the little frightened hedgehog?

Jack?

Jack.

Are you all right?

Er, yes, sorry.

Hey, what about that dinner

you promised me?

Erm, I'll get back to you, okay,

on the whole thing.

- I'll think about it. I will.

- Call me.

Absolutely.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

(JACK) Once upon a time,

there was a hedgehog called Harold,

who one day set out on a journey.

When he reached the far side

of the wood,

he came to a large owing river,

dancing with speckled light.

Without a moment's hesitation,

Harold threw himself into the water.

The current carried him far away

and he was never seen again.

Morning. Morning, you two.

Morning, madam.

Bye, then.

What a f***ing...

- Twat.

- Cock.

F***ing d*ckhead. Wanker.

(TIRES SCREECH)

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