A Field in England Page #3

A means for telling the past,

present, perhaps even the future.

He must have utilised

some diabolical method

to conceal his presence in the field.

That is why he was not visible.

You think he sees what

an arsehole he looks,

standing there like the King himself?

No.

Wasn't sure which one he was at first.

Cowardly type, though.

You should not have any trouble from him.

He was the one

that would not eat mushrooms.

I know which one he is, Cutler.

Come on.

- Ugh.

- Stand up!

What are you doing? Get up.

(SIGHS) I don't feel 'em.

- What?

- My balls.

They've ceased screaming.

That is good, is it not? It means the

nettle's sting has run its course.

Maybe I mislaid 'em

when I was pulling the rope.

(CHORTLING)

Whitehead.

O'Neil.

I have my quarry, sir.

You were expected, sir.

Indeed?

A lot of time has passed since we

shared company. Things have changed.

WHITEHEAD:
In the absence

of better-qualified men, sir,

I hereby place you under arrest

for the theft of certain documents

from the private collection of my master.

What the f*** is this?

It's a shovel.

In the presence of Merciful God,

I trust you will now surrender yourself

and return willingly

to Norwich to face your accuser.

How is our master?

Well, I pray.

I believe he still has

you doing a lot of that.

Praying, I mean.

The master is of advanced years,

as you know.

Your outrageous pillage

has greatly aggravated his dropsy.

CUTLER:
Move.

COOPER:
What kind of merry band is this?

O'NEIL:
I'm sure

he would have come himself.

But instead he sends you.

The faithful servant.

O'NEIL:
Come, walk.

You need no invitation.

This is your country, is it not?

Although I've claimed a small corner

which I'm intent on raping a little.

'Tis only fair that I take something

in return for my countrymen's troubles.

Cutler has you marked as a coward.

It's comforting to know that things

haven't changed greatly in my absence.

'Tis true I hid in a bush

as Mr Trower and his men were set upon.

Ah, Trower.

The dunderhead mercenary.

How is he?

Dead.

Then your arrest is academic, is it not?

Unless you will comply freely,

as a Christian man.

(CHUCKLES)

It would seem the master

has kept you a veritable virgin

as to the workings of the world.

'Tis true I have been

mostly amongst books.

I find pages easier to turn than people.

Although I confess I have acquired

one new skill in your absence.

Indeed?

Er, lacemaking.

Only in my spare time, which is limited,

because of my increased duties

in your absence,

but, um, of the highest quality, I'm told.

He has not only kept you a stranger

to the world but to yourself, it seems.

I do not follow.

O'NEIL:
You will.

Unfortunately, my constitution was not

suited to the master's pious regiment.

I am forced to branch out on me own.

I owe money everywhere.

To so many I lose track.

Perhaps even to God himself.

We shall venture to Continental Europe

when the opportunity arises.

I have had little success

in applying the master's arts,

in looking for anything of great worth.

Which is why I have conjured you.

This place holds a great treasure.

I am certain of it.

I merely require a keener eye

to pinpoint the particular location.

And as much as I detest you personally,

Whitehead,

I acknowledge that your gifts

are stronger in certain areas.

But you are now my divining rod.

I have little of my

master's art in divination.

You are confused, sir.

It is I who am capturing you,

not the other way around.

(CHUCKLES)

Do not concern yourself with bravery now,

Whitehead.

'Tis official.

You are my prisoner.

Now, you will find the

treasure in this field

and they will dig it up

and I will claim it.

I will not assist you

in such an ungodly scheme, sir.

(CHUCKLES)

Hmm.

Oh, you will, Whitehead. You will.

The world is turned upside-down,

Whitehead, and so is its pockets.

Yes, make a note of that, Cutler,

for my, er, memoirs and recollections.

I fear he has passed

all bounds of Christianity.

He dresses well, though.

(BURPS)

- You are sick?

- (GRUNTS) No.

(PANTING) Yeah.

My feet are like lead.

I feel like I walk yet make no progress,

and there's a terrible burning

like the fires of hell upon me.

I have some knowledge of physic. I will

attend you as soon as circumstance allows.

F*** off.

Say, friend.

(SHOUTS) Friend!

My business with your man is concluded.

If 'tis all the same, I might bob off now.

I confess I feel peaky.

Could do with a few hours' kip.

(GROANS)

Do not address me as "friend",

and do not speak to me directly again.

Otherwise I'll turn you into a frog.

(COUGHS)

It does not surprise me

that the Devil is an Irishman,

though I thought perhaps a little taller.

Tell me.

I am curious.

How did an idiot like you

come to stay alive so long?

Commanding officer

says I have fresh air between my ears.

Fresh air is good

for a man's constitution, is it not?

You may make a note of that.

(INAUDIBLE)

(WHITEHEAD SCREAMING)

(WHITEHEAD CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(WHITEHEAD CONTINUES SCREAMING)

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

If turnips were watches,

I'd wear one by my side.

- If wishes were horses...

- Take courage.

If turnips were watches,

I'd wear one by my side.

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride!

(CHANTING)

(WHITEHEAD SCREAMING)

(SOBBING) If turnips were watches,

I'd wear one by my side.

- If wishes were horses, beggars would ride!

- (WHITEHEAD SCREAMING)

What this party lacks

is the civilising influence of women.

(WHITEHEAD SCREAMING)

(WHITEHEAD SOBBING)

(WHISTLE PLAYS

Ring A Ring O' Roses)

(PANTING)

He seems like a nice enough fellow.

Why do we chase him like a nag

to the glue pot? No matter!

I like it, whatever it is! (LAUGHS)

(GIGGLING)

(WHISTLE MUSIC CONTINUES)

(GIGGLING CONTINUES)

(MUSIC SPEEDS UP)

(BELL CHIMES)

Here! Here!

(LAUGHS) There? There!

What would you have us do now, Devil?

Shut your buggering mouth.

- Dig!

- You must be thirsty. Ha?

Cutler tells me that

you declined his hospitality,

but you will do me the honour, sir.

You may break me, sir,

but I will not break my oath!

Ah! Open up and let the Devil in!

- (CHOKING)

- Open up and let the Devil in, my boy!

- Open up and let the Devil in!

- (COUGHING)

(RETCHING)

(GROANS)

(SPITS)

Well, I have no recollection of consuming

anything of the remotest son.

A man can hold a great deal inside

that he does not comprehend.

I am not familiar with

these symbols, though.

Nor I.

I feel... Suddenly empty.

(GRUNTING)

Then maybe you should

keep your mouth shut

unless something else should rush in

while you're not paying attention,

because you are apparently

nothing more than an envelope.

- I need to consult my documents.

- The master's, you mean!

- Of course, you need to be punished.

- (SOBS) I have located your treasure, sir.

Release me!

Please, I beg.

Do not be ridiculous, Whitehead.

All you've given me is a

place to make a hole.

Nothing more.

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