A Genius, Two Friends, and an Idiot

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God will punish you, Jelly Roll.

You scared the bejesus out of me.

Well, it ain't smart

to live alone, Tom.

You start seeing scary shadows.

Red shadows.

God will fry those savages in hell.

I see them dragging their beasts

and belongings through the valley.

And I think,

"What a waste of the Promised Land."

You see here.

These little flags are us.

All this nothing is them.

- Does it make sense to you?

- It's Indian territory.

Every Friday in the days

of the Spanish conquest

they used to kill 12 savages

in memory of the 12 Holy Apostles.

Those traditions

ought to be kept up.

Hundreds of fine, Christian souls

are waiting for this land.

And willing

to pay good prices for it.

Not everybody's

as good a Christian as you.

Nowadays you need a practical excuse

for killing Indians.

Like Major Cabot.

When he found

all them wells poisoned.

We know, sure, in some way the major

did a bit of poisoning himself.

But he found lots of Indian beads

round those wells, didn't he?

All we need is an excuse.

Why don't we cook one up ourselves?

We get undressed like those savages

and get rid of some white trash loner.

'Fess up, Tom.

You've been chewing the fat

with Major Cabot.

No I ain't. Why?

You're saying

exactly the same he's been saying.

That's because him and me

are practical people.

- Pioneers of the old frontier.

- No.

It's because you're both

made of the same clay.

You both got the evil genius in you.

Good old Cabot.

Tell me, you fellas decided yet

who you're gonna scalp?

Hey, Frank!

Bring the gent a cup of coffee.

"Oh, look at my body."

Stop it, man.

You're hurting the fleas.

Looked like a rooster dance,

didn't it?

You're smart to grease that barrel.

If you want some good advice,

file down the sight too.

- Why's that?

- Why?

Sooner or later, strangers around here

get their guns

shoved up their...

- Don't want to get scratched, do you?

- Thanks.

Thanks? Thanks for what?

It's my name, Joe Thanks.

I'm impressed. I really am.

Hey!

- I know you.

- Do you now?

Yeah. You're the village idiot!

Somebody welcomes me

like that in every town.

You wouldn't talk like that

if I had a gun on me.

I'm looking for a man

who can shoot fast.

How fast?

Not one who shoots first

but if somebody shoots at him

he won't shoot second.

You sound like

a hard fella to please.

But you might give

Doc Foster a try.

Doc, one of these days you're going

to have to get up from this table

and go on out

and see what's going on out there.

Not a thing, never will be.

This town's

one long Sunday afternoon.

Careful, it's very hot.

Last I saw my missus

she was nine months heavy.

For all I know I got a family now.

Let me go home, Doc.

I'm waiting for somebody.

Somebody's already here.

- He ain't somebody.

- Nobody at all.

- Sorry, Doc.

- For what? Keep going.

Two.

One.

- Pass.

- Same here.

- Ten just to keep things going.

- Ten.

Up to 100.

What happens in this game

when a fella's got four cards alike?

What happens is, I'm out.

Same here.

Four aces in the same hand.

Never saw the like

in all my born days.

Even when I cheated.

Give this a try, Doc.

Colt Navy, model '86.

These nice folks

are wanting to see a duel.

- What duel?

- You know how it is in the West.

Two fellas come out of the saloon

and stand opposite each other.

One usually has

his legs spread apart.

Folks in the town get scared,

and edge backward to a safe distance.

Somebody plays a funeral march

on a bugle in the background.

Then nothing.

Not a sound.

Only the whistling wind

from the desert.

Let me tell you the rest.

In a few minutes you'll be one

of the deadest men that ever lived.

- Outside! My time's precious.

- I know. You're waiting for somebody.

Hey. Come on, everyone!

Doc Foster and the big guy

are gonna shoot it out.

They're gonna shoot it out, everyone!

Let's go.

When you're ready, Doc.

- Yours, Doc?

- Stand up. Stop acting like a booby.

Mighty pretty animal.

Don't play the clown.

Nobody takes care of you, huh?

- Poor critter was thirsty.

- Next shot's for you.

You hear me?

Sorry, Doc.

Shoot when you feel like it.

No, Doc. Uh-uh.

Did you like the show?

Good. That makes me happy.

If you'd be so kind.

Whatever you can afford.

Seems fair to me.

Anything you want to give, folks.

For the fastest gun on earth.

- Thanks.

- There you go, folks.

See! Even the wind is on our side.

Watch your head, watch your head.

Thanks. Thank you.

Thanks. Remember, folks.

You've just seen a risky show.

I mean,

that is for Doc Foster.

Whatever you can afford.

I really appreciate it.

Thanks.

Thank you.

- There's people coming!

- For your collaboration.

A cavalry coach!

Free the horses

and take them to the stables.

Give them water.

After resting they'll need fodder.

The Wild West.

We've been expecting young ladies

to work in the boarding house.

- The boys made a mistake.

- Yes, electing you sheriff.

I'm a colonel.

For your information, my man,

we're on our way to Fort Christabel.

Major Cabot might have sent

someone to meet me.

Oh, my darling, oh, my darling

Oh, my darling Clementine...

Hey, Doc. You'd better pick it up.

Doc, why don't you just go home?

You've been lucky, friend.

I've got a job to do.

So have I.

Come in.

She was just a child. You hear me?

Only a child.

- Who?

- My sister!

You raped her, you never waited,

promised to marry her.

- Her?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Let them hear you!

I want you to get yours

in front of everybody.

You ravished my only little sister!

- The man is a maniac!

- You broke her heart!

- He's not a maniac, he's an ass.

- What's it to you?

That beard!

That beard!

That's the key to it all.

What key?

- The key to the perfect plan.

- This ain't none of your business!

Good idea, Doc.

But this ain't none of your business.

- What are you doing?

- Go home.

- Out! Just go.

- Don't do that!

My balls!

Fascinating hand you got.

I never saw such a deep life line.

That's a scar. I disarmed a man once

by grabbing his knife blade.

Life line interrupted.

It's going from bad to worse.

Death's waiting disguised as an Injun.

Don't join Cabot, you'll die.

You're a maniac too.

My friend has

red whiskers like yours.

Fake, but you can't tell.

Let's send him

to reconnoitre in your uniform.

Don't try to go to the fort yourself.

You'll get killed.

Lieutenant!

Men! Men!

Soldiers! Men!

- Carry on, I'm being followed.

- Are you a bandit?

Stop!

You don't look like those ruffians

on the wanted posters.

Do they make you look ugly

to frighten the public?

Well.

They're trying to show

the evil that's inside us.

Stop!

- Kiss me!

- What?

Papa's sending me back to Washington.

I've never kissed an outlaw.

My girlfriends will die of envy.

Kiss me or I'll scream!

Sure.

A madman and a maniac

were in my room.

They both pulled my beard.

I don't want them to escape.

Take them, men!

- There's a man in her bed!

- A man in her bed?

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