A Little Bit of Heaven Page #2

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- Up! Time.

- Oh, no, no, no.

- Pens.

- There's still two more seconds left.

- What are you doing?

- Down. Pens down.

Is it weird that

I always find the word 'slut'?

Too bad you only get two points

for 'slut'.

Whore gets you three points.

Time.

It's pink juice time.

- Think of it like, like bubble gum urine.

- Yummy! Bottoms up.

Mmm. Uh mmm.

Isn't this stuff supposed

to clean you out?

Maybe you didn't do it right.

How can she not do it right?

She drank it.

Maybe she drank it too fast,

or, I don't know, too slow.

Ooh! Aw!

Yee-ha-ha.

Let us know

when it starts working.

Oh, my God!

- Good morning, Marley.

- Oh, really.

Is it? I'm about to get a huge camera

stuck up my butt.

So I don't know

if that qualifies as good.

I just need you to sign this document

which states that you understand

all the colonoscopy's risks,

which include heavy bleeding, uh,

infection, perforation, rupture.

On a scale of one to ten,

one being 'never'

and ten being 'happens all the time',

what are the chances of you

rupturing my ass?

Well, not.

The chances are very slim.

It's, uh, more procedural.

Good, well, procedure away,

my friend.

This is gonna be fun.

Would you mind rolling

onto your left side, please.

Thanks.

Wait a minute.

Before we go to whatever base

this is we're going to, um,

shouldn't I know your first name?

Julian.

Julian.

Julian Goldstein.

My hero.

Where the hell am I?

- Hello, Marley.

- Oh, my God.

Wait a minute. Oh, my God.

I mean...

- Are you God?

- Not really.

This is just the way

you wanted to see me.

Well, I love Whoopi,

so that's probably why.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, have a seat.

Wow!

- I can't believe this.

- Guess what?

- You're dying.

- I am not dying.

I'm just a little stressed,

that's all.

Marley?

You're dying,

but I'm gonna give you three wishes.

Then I want to

- fly.

- Okay. Done.

Wait a minute.

This is for real?

- I want a million bucks.

- Alright, but I just have to warn you

that that is only gonna be

500,000 after taxes.

- Just 'cause I didn't say 'tax free'?

- Even I don't mess with the IRS.

That sucks.

Third wish?

Okay. Let me think.

- Tic-toc, baby.

- Don't rush me. Jesus.

- Hey, hey.

- Oh.

- Wow.

- I'm sorry.

- You said it, didn't you?

- Yeah, I did.

Wow.

I don't know.

I don't know what I want.

You know.

You just don't want to admit it.

But I'm pretty sure

that if you give it some thought,

you'll figure it out.

Marley.

Marley.

Marley, wake up.

It's over.

What's over?

Where am I?

Where's Whoopi?

The procedure went fine.

We're going to move you

to the recovery room now.

I took some biopsies.

We should get results in a few days.

- It's delicious.

- I agree.

It's crunchy and chewy. Peter,

I'd like to share mine with you.

Here, Pop. I'll go.

Hey, behave.

Geez, what the hell?

Okay. Alright, alright. I forgot

to cook the noodles first.

- Ohhh.

- There's noodles in this?

Do not feed this to Stanley.

Take it.

No.

I got all this on my plate.

I have cancer.

I went to the doctor last week.

Remember?

I said I was fine

and that I was just stressed, but

- I'm not.

- What are you talking about?

I have, um,

colon cancer.

How does one get that, you might ask.

Because I did.

And, um,

- he said...

- We don't know.

Of course you don't.

Everyone is dying of cancer

these days.

Why would you try to figure it out

and put yourself out of a job?

I know this is rough, but we need

to talk about what to do next.

I'm going to consult with the head

of the oncology department, Dr Sanders.

Can, can, can you just take it out,

so I can go on with my life?

No, unfortunately we can't.

It's already spread

throughout the entire colon,

making surgery impossible

at this point.

And this other guy

would have a better idea?

Dr Sanders, yes.

He's one of the best in the country

for... late stage cancers.

Marley,

at this point you only have two options.

Either you start treatment immediately,

or you'll die.

Ah.

Okay Dr G., I'm gonna give you

a little free advice.

Don't use the'D' word.

It's a bit of a downer.

And if you're trying

to sell me treatment,

I would rethink the 'B' option,

because dying isn't an option.

Maybe try something like:

'Try our new and improved chemo,

because the alternative

will leave you breathless!

When your 2:
30 walks in here

and you have to tell him that he's dying,

just try it with a little more feeling.

Anyway... who wants dessert?

Mom? Hi.

Sorry to call so late.

Mom, I'm okay.

I'll make sure that you

get the best possible treatment.

- I don't care how much it costs.

- You're going to buy her a new colon?

I will not have

a money discussion.

The gloves are coming off.

Money is the only thing

you can talk about.

Marley needs our love and support.

At least pretend to be here for her.

I don't have to pretend.

That's your department.

I'm so glad we got together.

So what did you tell Rob?

- That I have mono.

- Right.

And I'm working from home.

I don't want anybody

from work knowing.

I got it.

Your butt is your business.

Huh? Huh?

- My Dad flew out this morning.

- Is your Mom happy?

So much so she's celebrating

by moving here.

We must warn the populace.

Marley's Mom is descending.

it could be ten but then again

I can't remember half an hour

since a quarter to four

throw on your clothes,

the second side of Surfer Rosa

and you leave me with my jaw below

Hey hey

just when you think

you're in control

just when you think

you've got a hold

just when you think

you get on a roll

here it goes, here it goes,

here it goes again

- I'll take caller 97...

- Get the phone.

- To win a prize in our contest

- What?

- Quick, Marley.

Code 9797.

- Go on! 9797.

- I got it.

Okay!

- Hello? Who's this?

- Marley Corbett. Did I win?

- You're caller 97! Congratulations.

- Oh, my God.

- You've just won!

- What did I win?

You won a free day of hang gliding

where you'll learn how to fly!

Oh, my God. Thank you.

- Hey, how you doing?

- Not too good.

Yo, J. G.

- Hi.

- How's it hanging?

Um... good.

You here

to work on your bedside manner?

- No. Checking on some test results.

- Ah. Of course.

- Are you on your own?

- Why? Want to keep me company?

Yeah.

- How do you feel?

- To be honest, I could use a good laugh.

- Want me to tell you a joke?

- I'd prefer someone funny.

Alright. What? Go.

Okay, um, there's this guy that...

No... It doesn't work.

It doesn't work,

because you just put me on the spot.

Did you hear about the medical student

who interrupted the proctologist

during a lecture?

He said:
"Excuse me, sir, um,

uh... is that a rectal thermometer

behind your ear?"

The proctologist touched behind his ear

and said:
"Oh, sh*t!

Some a**hole stole my pen. "

You can use that one.

I've got so many more.

- You know, it's okay to feel nervous.

- I'm not.

Not really.

- I just...

- Marley Corbett?

- Wish me luck.

- You don't need it.

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