A Low Down Dirty Shame Page #3

- Come here.

- Forget you. I ain't coming over there.

Come on. Sit down.

OK.

FYI, I have noticed.

I watched you grow from an adorable

little girl to a beautiful young lady.

You're smart. You're funny.

You love life. Beautiful.

Don't forget sexy.

Very sexy.

Well, what is the problem, Shame?

We have nothing in common.

Oh, how can you sit there

and say something like that?

What about boxing? We both love boxing.

OK.

Who's the greatest heavyweight of all time?

- Tyson.

- The greatest heavyweight of all time?

- Tyson could beat Muhammad Ali?

- That's right.

Tyson can't spell Muhammad Ali.

What the... Wait a minute!

Muhammad Ali can't spell Muhammad Ali.

- Did I show you the tapes of Ali?

- I saw them! They don't mean nothing.

Ali dances around the ring so much,

it's like watching a rerun of ''Soul Train''.

See, now, that's what l'm talking about.

At least you thought about it.

Yeah, I thought about it.

Well, my room-mate won't be home till late,

so the bed is yours if you want.

Your room-mate won't freak out

if she finds a half-naked man in the bed?

Trust me. If my room-mate

finds a half-naked man in the bed,

freaking out

is the last thing girlfriend will do.

Good night, Shame.

Peaches.

I see something has grown

since you was 16.

Hey, girl, I hope you don't mind.

Peaches said I could crash in your room.

My, no, honey! Ain't nothing like

coming home to a warm man in the bed.

- Who the hell are you?

- Ex-squeeze me! This is my room!

- You show me some tits, or die.

- Miss Peaches, you need to come in here!

- Peaches!

- OK, OK. Wait a minute. All right.

Shame, this is my room-mate, Wayman.

Wayman, this is Shame.

- Why didn't you say she was a guy?

- You ain't never asked.

- What was that ''girlfriend'' stuff about?

- Please! ''Girlfriend'' is an expression.

Well, excuse me, ''girlfriend.''

I'm gonna shower

and pretend I'm not in ''The Crying Game''.

He is a cutie-pie! You got to read this article.

This is something else!

- Good morning.

- Good morning, Shame.

You look at me

like you're gonna take a picture.

Peaches? Peaches!

Why do you read that nonsense?

Because it's informative.

Informative? Yeah, right. Let's see here.

I bet you everything in here's a lie.

''Arsenio Hall Gets Butt Reduction.''

Ah! Page two.

A monkey named Bo-Bo gets tax tips

from aliens. Real informative.

Excuse me! I'll have you know

I saved a hundred dollars last year.

And if you weren't so closed-minded,

maybe you could learn a little something.

- Like?

- You know how you're afraid of dogs?

Now, stop right there. Stop right there.

I don't like dogs. I'm not afraid of them.

Hand me that toast.

Oh, so now you're gonna front!

If I remember correctly,

there was a certain somebody

who jumped up on my grandmother's table

when I brought in her tiny puppy

named Taffy.

Taffy should have been named Damien.

That dog was possessed. I saw his head

spin and green sh*t fly out of his mouth.

Anyway, it says in here that if you sing

James Brown songs, dogs will not attack.

James Brown tried that

with the state troopers.

Whatever.

- What's he cooking? Smells good.

- Sausages. Want one?

- No.

- More beef for us.

- I like cooking when I'm dealing with meat.

- Wayman sure can burn.

He should keep his head

away from the stove while he's burning.

Oh, no, he didn't. Miss Peaches?

Shame, I told you,

he is very sensitive about his hair.

He should be.

Looks like Woodstock went peroxide crazy.

You didn't mind it last night,

when you ran your fingers through it.

- I didn't touch you.

- Don't get your boxers in a bunch

just 'cause you was cruising in your sleep

last night and started speeding.

- That's it!

- Now, hold up.

I got to go to the post office.

Can you manage to get along

for ten minutes while I'm gone?

- I'm cool, Peaches.

- Tell Little Richard to stay away from me.

You better behave yourself.

On the way to the post office, can you

stop by the store and get some relaxer?

And make sure it says ''mild''.

Last time you got me super!

Where have you been all my life?

All your life? I have no idea.

So, how can I get those digits?

Digits? Let me think...

There's my friend. I have to go.

I had to put up with greasy Jheri Curl

and bad breath to get this.

That was everything that was in her box.

What about the number

the salesperson had?

- Turned out to be a service.

- Figures.

- Now what?

- I want you to call and leave a message.

Tell her the perfume is coming in today

at 2.00.

What if she shows up

and there's no perfume?

Let me worry about the details.

Put all that back.

Shame, do not make me go back in there.

You got an admirer, huh?

All right, I'll take care of it.

- Yo, my man. See that lady over there?

- Yeah.

She's crazy about you, bro.

Let me get out of you lovebirds' way.

- Real 14K.

- Don't make me use my stun gun.

I'm trying to make your day.

Remember 82.3, the phrase

that pays. I'm the Duke of Dance...

May I help you?

- Yes. Denise?

- Diane.

- I want something for my girlfriend.

- Your girlfriend.

Well, this is just lovely. Feel the leather.

You can tell by the smoothness and texture

that this animal died of natural causes.

Really?

Oh, damn. Five hundred!

You have anything that was shot or stabbed?

I have an idea.

Why don't you go to Pick & Spends?

You can get a hat, a jacket and a bag

with money to spare.

You're right. I should just go home

and break open the piggy bank.

- I'll be back.

- I'll wait on it.

- Good afternoon. Sincati.

- Turn your radio down!

- Hold on.

- Diane Kendricks?

- Who is this?

- It's the Duke of Dance.

If you can tell me the phrase that pays,

you'll win $10,000!

Now, tell me, Diane,

what's your favourite radio station?

- 82.3?

- That's right!

Diane, you are our new winner!

I knew something good

was gonna happen today!

I knew it!

My big toe was swollen

and my uterus has been doing flips all day!

Oh, God! Jesus loves me!

Oh, God! Thank you!

You only have 82.3 minutes to shake that

moneymaker down here and get your prize.

- Today's my day!

- My scarf.

- Aren't you gonna wrap my scarf?

- Wear it, b*tch!

Go! Thank you. Please come again.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir. I'm sorry,

but this club is for women only.

I have a friend in there.

I need to speak to her.

Look, pal, the sign says ''Women Only''.

- Shame?

- Wayman, what's up?

- What are you doing here?

- I work here.

What about the wigs and costumes

and ''energy is mine'' and all that?

- That's a hobby. This pays the bills.

- Do me a big favour.

I'm tailing somebody and I need to know

if she lost me. I can't get in.

You're a little late. I'm leaving for lunch

and fish is not on the menu.

Yoo-hoo, Wayman.

Hi, Bernard.

Excuse me. Who's this?

Bernard. What's wrong with you?

The Bernard?

Home-wrecker! He's with me!

- What?

- I can't believe you just did that.

- You are my stuff and you know it.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes