A New Kind of Love

---

We've got lots of canyons in Texas...

...but nothing quite like this one,

once you get north

of Neiman Marcus, that is.

Today is roundup time.

This restless herd has been known

to trample to death,

inside of 1 8 seconds, the bank

accounts of 1,200 husbands.

Sheriff, arrest that woman.

She's the cause

of the whole doggone stampede.

She's a no-good, two-timing,

double-crossing, thieving skunk.

Well, this is Fifth Avenue.

She's a no-good, two-timing,

double-crossing, thieving,

natural wild mink.

Her name is Samantha Blake.

That's right, Samantha.

lt's from the Bible.

And so, in some things,

is her conscience.

Maybe that's why, at the ripe old age

of 25, Samantha is a semi-virgin.

That's a girl who tried love once

but didn't like it.

So instead of a cold shower,

she plunged into a career

as head buyer of ladies' dresses

for J. Bergner, lncorporated,

Fifth Avenue,

the working girl's friend.

Part of her job is to copy

from the rich, and sell to the poor.

The rich poor.

After midnight, she prowls

the world's most expensive jungle.

She carries a sketch pad,

dark glasses,

a photographic memory,

a tiny German camera...

...and the soul of Mata Hari.

She's just a sweet-looking,

innocent, cold-blooded horse thief.

And don't think the word

hasn't gotten around.

So l figure we can duplicate it in

rayon and machine the embroidery

and sell the whole schmeer

for about $39. Bonwit's price is 200.

Girls will come swimming in

from Long lsland for this one.

The detail on the bow's

a little like that, see?

Rembrandt couldn't have

copied it any better.

Rembrandt didn't learn

from Macy's window.

Sam, l got something to tell you.

Come to the office.

Okay, girls, take a break,

we'll pick it up later.

And get me a sample

of that embroidery, all right?

Marvin, l'm not paying you

to look at the models.

- Nephews l have to hire yet.

- l wonder whose niece she is.

Bergner, come and take

a look at this.

Something's wrong.

Upstairs it doesn't look good.

l get the message.

Here, slip these in, honey.

More men have promised to love,

honor and obey a good set

of sponge rubber

than they'll ever know.

Sometimes l get this great feeling

of sadness for the opposite sex.

All right, all right. Come to the office.

You too, bright eyes.

What's doing at the office

all of a sudden?

l was in Ohrbach's today.

- Wash your mouth out with soap.

- Listen.

They got a good operation,

a fine operation. And you know it too.

And that's the last kind word

about the competition.

You know what it is to own a store?

Like a child.

You watch it grow, give it the best.

Me? l got no children.

- Here we go.

- All right.

Who said l got no children?

All my children

are right in this building.

My favorites, right in this room.

- Mr. Bergner, we feel the same way.

- All right.

You know what Ohrbach's

is showing?

- What?

- Dior, Givenchy.

- ''Givenchy.''

- Yeah, them too.

The best from Paris.

So? Why not?

Do you mean what l think you mean?

Wednesday we're leaving for Paris.

How soon can you get packed?

What's wrong with what l'm wearing?

What's right?

We'll take in all the showings,

the new fashions

- at the best houses.

- Great.

And for my children,

nothing is too good.

We'll buy. We'll buy,

buy and buy.

And what we can't buy, we'll steal.

Out in California,

they're stealing bases.

Take a good look at Chavez Ravine,

if you can see it through the smog.

Three years ago

it was a goat pasture.

Today they're fighting

for the World Series here.

Shows you what hard work

and the will to succeed can achieve.

l was up in the press box,

even though l don't cover sports.

l came out from New York to do

a series on rocket hardware,

but l picked up a blond

and a pass to the ball game

because l just can't resist athletics.

Any kind.

There was more

than one game going on.

l started to discuss the last play

and suggested the next one.

Shows you what hard work

and the will to succeed can achieve.

By the eighth inning l'd found

a much more comfortable place

to watch the game.

The pitch is outside, making

the count 3-2 on the batter.

This crowd is going out of its mind.

Here's the pitch. And it's a base hit

right over second base.

l have an idea the excitement

is just beginning, so don't go away.

And now, a word

about something of interest

to all you men in our audience.

Fellas, if you're like l am, when

you want a lather, you want it fast.

Well, you're looking at something

that'll wilt your beard

faster than anything known

to science; lnsta-Shave.

Look for it.

There's no mistaking this package.

And now, back to the field.

Here's the windup.

The pitch. Strike one,

right on the inside corner.

Here comes the next pitch.

And there she goes.

Going, going... lt's a home run,

over the right-field fence.

Boy, oh, boy!

lf you left this game early,

you've certainly missed a lot of action.

You're fired.

Sacked. Or as we used to put it

in the newspaper business, canned.

Pick up your severance pay

and get out.

Have l made myself painfully clear?

You know, Mr. Chalmers,

my contract with lnternational Press

was drawn by the outstanding,

foremost, the most respected

sneaky lawyer in the business.

l, along with the United

Automobile Workers

and the Brotherhood of Teamsters--

Thank you.

And the lnternational Alliance

of Theatrical Stage Employees,

am non-cancelable.

Modern living.

lt's ruining everything.

lt used to be fun to fire people.

Now it takes a ruling

of the Supreme Court.

So l missed the deadline

on my column.

l'm not the first guy or the last.

And besides, it's your fault,

Mr. Chalmers.

My fault?

Remember that ''Welcome

to Los Angeles'' party--

- Yes, l remember that--

- At your house?

- Yes.

- That's where l met that blond.

Tell you the truth,

l don't even know her name.

lt's Mrs. Chalmers.

Oh, boy...

l-- l don't know what to say.

Small world.

lsn't it?

But that's my problem.

Steve, l can't figure you out.

First it was that ambassador's

wife in Washington.

Then the girlfriend

of the Russian consul.

- What a dog.

- And now...

How a writer with your intellectual

capacity can waste his whole--

There are a lot of things l don't

wanna waste, Mr. Chalmers.

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may

That's what Robert Herrick said.

Pretty fair poet.

And you know about Baudelaire.

He wrote his best work

in the boudoir with a quill pen

on the naked...

...back of his mistress.

Now, what would you have me use

for inspiration? An electric typewriter?

l don't care what you use,

as long as l'm not married to it.

But you do need something.

ln addition to everything else, your

columns have been getting lousy.

- Thank you.

- All right.

Due to the grace of your lawyer,

l can't fire you.

But one thing l can do:

l can send you

as far away from my wife as possible.

Now, you get back to New York

and straighten out your affairs...

Business.

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