A Night at the Roxbury Page #2

STEVE:

(yelling over radio)

What?

She reaches in, shuts OFF RADIO -- starts filling out

ticket.

POLICE OFFICER:

This is a twenty-five mile an hour

zone.

DOUG:

Hottie cop likes you.

STEVE:

You serious?

DOUG:

You think she pulls over anybody?

Mave a move.

STEVE:

(turning to her)

What's going on?

POLICE OFFICER:

Not much, I'm just giving you an

eighty dollar ticket.

DOUG:

She is so into you.

POLICE OFFICER:

Can I see your license and

registration?

Steve pulls the documents off the sun visor, hands them

over.

STEVE:

(seductively)

I think I got what you're looking

for.

She takes it, walks back to police car. Doug adjusts the

rearview mirror.

POLICE CAR:

She's on the radio.

DOUG:

She's calling her friends.

STEVE:

Seriously?

DOUG:

Here she comes.

STEVE:

How's my hair?

She hands Steve the papers and a ticket.

POLICE OFFICER:

I want you to do me a favor.

STEVE:

Whatever you say, TJ Hooker.

POLICE OFFICER:

Please obey any and all posted

speed limit signs. Have a good

night.

STEVE:

It's already good, now that you've

served and protected me.

She laughs it off, walks away. Doug takes the ticket.

DOUG:

Way to go, my friend. You got her

badge number plus a month from now

you have a date to meet her at the

Municipal State Court. Up top!

DOUG/STEVE

Score!

They high five and PEEL OUT.

CUT TO:

EXT. FLORENTINE GARDENS DANCE CLUB - NIGHT

This is a very downscale crowd, crappy cars, surrounding a dilapidated building.

INT. FLORENTINE GARDENS CLUB - NIGHT

Completely packed. People are physically wedged up

against one another.

DOUG:

This is what it's all about.

A big SECURITY GUY plows through the area.

SECURITY GUY:

Folks, we got to keep this area

clear!

The crowd moves, sweeping the guys along. Doug and Steve

settle in a different spot.

STEVE:

There's a good feeling in here.

ANOTHER SECURITY GUY

People, there's no lingering by

the exits!

As it moves, Doug is engulfed in the crowd and

disappears.

STEVE:

Doug?... Hey, Doug!... Whoa!

Steve is shoved away as the crowd moves again.

DOUG:

jumps up and pops his head above the crowd.

DOUG:

Steve!

STEVE:

is wedged into a corner.

STEVE:

Doug!

DOUG:

pops up near the entrance to the men's room.

DOUG:

Steve!

DANCE FLOOR:

STEVE:

Doug!

CUT TO:

INT. MEN'S BATHROOM

Doug's face is wedged up against a mirror. He struggles

to pull a cellular phone put of his pocket and dial.

INTERCUT WITH:

DANCE FLOOR:

Steve is wedged against a blinking light. We hear a

cellular PHONE RING. Steve reaches in his pocket and

pulls out his phone.

STEVE:

Hello?

DOUG:

Steve, it's Doug.

STEVE:

Oh, hey, Doug. So, what's going on?

DOUG:

Not much. Where are you?

STEVE:

I don't know. Where are you?

Doug gets pushed up against a urinal.

DOUG:

There's a lot of guys pulling down

their pants, so it's either the

bathroom or the V.I.P room. Meet

me back at the bar. If I don't

make it, I'll see you tommorow at

home.

DOUG hangs up. O.S. we hear someone UNZIP.

DOUG:

(panicked)

Hey, just hold on a second.

Doug moves away.

INT. DANCE FLOOR - LATER THAT NIGHT

Two very bored club girls are standing up against a wall.

DOUG:

So, anyway, I'm standing there

waiting to use the pay phone...

STEVE:

Yeah, he was. Seriously.

DOUG:

And this guy who's on the phone

turns around and tips his hat like

this.

DOUG does a "tip your hat" motion.

STEVE:

And who do you think the guy was?

Girls still stone-faced.

DOUG:

Emilio Estevez.

STEVE:

The Mighty Duckman. Swear to God.

I was there.

DOUG:

(teasing)

Of course, you were. You're the

one who yelled the breakfast

clubber's name.

STEVE:

I was like -- 'Emilioooo!'

DOUG:

So, anyway... you guys want to

make out or what?

The girls stare at them.

CUT TO:

EXT. AM/PM MIN-MART GAS STATION - NIGHT

The guys pull up. Doug gets out and starts to pump gas.

DOUG:

Score some chippage. I'll meet

you in there.

Steve exits into the AM/PM. Doug notices a woman puttng

gas into her car. She feins a smile, looks away.

DOUG:

Hey!

Doug starts pulling the pump in and out of the gas

tank -- simulating copulation. She's repulsed.

CUT TO:

INT. AM/PM -- CONTINOUS ACTION

Steve looking at a bag of Pork Rinds. Doug comes up from

behind.

DOUG:

Hey, she's totally looking at you.

STEVE:

Who?

Doug motions toward the CASHIER. She snaps her gum and

is reading People magazine.

DOUG:

Ask her where the chips are.

STEVE:

But, I know where they are.

DOUG pushes him. Steve walks over to the Cashier.

STEVE:

Excuse me, I'm looking for the

potato chips. You know, chips

made out of potato.

CASHIER:

They're right behind you.

STEVE:

Wow, you really know what's going

on, don't you?

He turns away and pretends to look at the chips. Doug

gives him a thumbs up.

Richard Grieco enters the store and walks up to the

Cashier. She lights up, recognizing Grieco.

DOUG:

Steve, look.

Doug and Steve walk up to Grieco.

DOUG:

(trying to be cool)

Hey.

RICHARD GRIECO:

... Hey.

DOUG:

Remember us? We were at the

Roxbury.

STEVE:

(to Grieco)

We were outside?

Grieco turns to Cashier.

RICHARD GRIECO:

Could I get a pack of Marlboro

Lights and that 12-pack of

Trojans. Thanks.

Cashier rings it up, hands it to him.

CASHIER:

(obviously enamored)

Thanks.

Grieco exits, they all watch. Steve approaches Cashier.

STEVE:

Yeah, I think I'm gonna need a 12-

pack of Trojans over there.

CASHIER:

You know, they expire in two

years.

CUT TO:

EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT

Doug and Steve watch Grieco's Ferrari drive off as they

sit on the car and eat Pork Rinds.

DOUG:

That nabob has got it going on.

STEVE:

(sadly envious)

Kickin' it at the Roxbury, rollin'

a banana Ferrari.

DOUG:

Tasty geisha by his side.

STEVE:

The man is a bag of chips.

DOUG:

(correcting him)

All that and a bag of chips.

STEVE:

Right. Well, we're doing okay. I

got a number tonight.

DOUG:

(thrilled)

Let me see it!

Steve hands him a cocktail napkin. Doug reads it.

DOUG:

555...? Steve, this isn't real.

It's one of those fake T.V.

numbers.

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