A Picture Worth a Thousand Words

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A THOUSAND WORDS (2012)

My name is Jack McCall.

If you can hear me,

what you're listening to

is not the sound of my voice.

It's the sound of my inner voice,

the one inside my head.

I'd like to talk to you, but I can't.

Because if I say

just one more sentence out loud,

I'll die.

Aaron, I have got

a very important assignment for you.

Go to Barneys and get me six dozen

pair of cashmere blend socks,

No, I'm gonna wear 'em,

but you're gonna buy 'em.

Do I need six dozen pair

of cashmere socks? No, but listen.

Hey, "need" is a tricky word.

Think about it more like this,

"want" or "love" are better words.

Think about it.

Don't we do everything out of love?

How about this?

Do you want, need or love your job?

Well, I love the idea

that you need your job. Okay.

Three white witches watch

three Swatch watches.

Which witches watch

which watch switch...

Okay.

Daddy's gonna hold you

'cause Mommy needs caffeine.

Baby, I don't know

if I can work with, "Whaah!"

Oh, look how happy he is

with his mommy.

- Yeah.

- Yes, he is. He's a mama's boy.

- No, he isn't.

- Yes.

There's nothing wrong with being

a mama's boy. I'm a mama's boy.

- Oh, my God!

- What?

Shaq snuck in the house

and sh*t in the baby's diaper!

Hey!

Excuse me, you think

maybe I could cut in front...

I will run you over dead

in the parking lot.

Dead. Dead. Dead.

Hello?

What? She's in labor?

Well, tell her to stop pushing!

Look, I can't miss

the birth of my first child!

I only went out to get some coffee!

Go ahead.

Expectant father coming through!

I got a baby on the way! Thank you.

Thank you!

Congratulations, man! You're the man!

Thank you so much!

Thank you so much.

Twins? It's twins!

I'm having twins. I'm having twins.

Thank you. It's on the house?

Thank you so much!

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Congratulations!

We live in a world

that's obsessive and controlling.

I think I care too much. I think

that's what you would say about me,

that I care too much.

I think that's what everybody would say

about me, that I care too much.

This coffee's incredible.

Do you ever stop to think about

what people are thinking about

when you're not in the room?

What do people think

when I'm not there?

That's the thought that I want to know.

What do people think

when I'm not there?

I know you think something

when I'm there,

but when I'm not there,

what are you thinking?

What are you thinking

when I'm not in the room?

That's the real thought. Or do you ever

wonder who's on line with you?

You could be on line with somebody.

I'm not talking about the computer.

I'm talking about the real line,

the real line,

the old-fashioned line with somebody

behind you, somebody in front of you.

That line is dangerous

'cause you don't know who that is.

Or an elevator!

You're in a elevator, door closed,

you're in the room with this person.

They could pull out a knife and

start doing all kinds of sh*t to you.

You get in elevators all the time.

Elevators are crazy.

Hey, what about restaurants?

You could be in a restaurant

sitting next to somebody who's a maniac

and they're right next to you in a chair,

and they're ordering like the same thing.

Look at you smiling and this person just,

you know, stabbed somebody in the ass

and now they sitting

next to the table next to you.

This could be happening all the time.

Jack! If I may...

Hey, Doc,

I think we're about out of time.

But I feel so much better.

Thank you so much.

You know, you're a genius.

Good morning, Mr. McCall.

I don't mean to be pushy

and I know you get hit up all the time.

I was just wondering if you had

a chance to read my manuscript.

Your manuscript?

Hey, Reverend Marcus.

How's my favorite client?

I just need to know if I'm going home

to Nebraska, work on my dad's farm,

or, you know,

maybe you could just read 20 pages.

Hold on one second. Hey, look,

I'm getting closer on your manuscript.

It's moved from my kitchen table

to my nightstand,

and next, it'll be by my toilet

and that's where it'll get read, okay?

Reverend, two words, "gripping"

and "necessary". Hold on one sec.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

Can you polish my rims for me?

And don't park my car

under the trees with all those birds?

Reverend, Lord, Where's My Money?

Is the best thing you've ever written.

Jack McCall's office, please hold.

Jack McCall's office, please hold.

Jack McCall's office, please hold.

You're already holding?

Okay, continue to hold. Thanks.

Jack McCall's office.

I don't care. Just take him to the vet.

I don't know, Mom!

I don't... Mom, I got to go.

Yes, I did have a great weekend.

And, yes, I would like some coffee.

I look good, right?

I finished picking out all the

mini-marshmallows out of your cereal.

All the mini-marshmallows?

Except the yellow moons, obviously.

Mr. McCall?

I know that I'm just an assistant.

And I really appreciate...

Hey, Aaron, this is my office.

This isn't the confessional booth

at MTV, all right?

No, no, I know. I know.

I would never confess. I'm just...

I guess what I'm trying to say

is that if I'm gonna

be an agent one day,

I'm not really sure how this...

You have to speak like me,

talk like me, study me!

Learn to speak your mind,

but do it quickly.

You have to remember,

this is all part of your training.

Okay. Okay, great.

I almost forgot. The weekend read.

If I do say so myself,

I thought that the Antarctica submission

was pretty good. Have you read it?

Absolutely not. Why would I do that?

Let me explain something to you.

All your best books have everything

you need to know in the first five pages

and the last five pages, okay?

Here we go. Woman meets man.

Pregnant. War. Alone.

War over. Baby older. New man.

Happily ever after. Bestseller.

Wow.

Did you prepare the conference room?

Yeah. PowerPoint's all set up,

nobody knows a thing.

Okay. Well, get out of here.

Everyone here is familiar with Dr. Sinja.

Dr. Sinja is the most popular

nondenominational religious leader

on the planet.

He's a holistic healer

and a New Age dispenser of wisdom

with a following in the tens of millions.

This guy can fill up

a football stadium on a Tuesday.

Our conventional spirit guides

always ask the seeker,

"What do you want?

I challenge you to ask yourself;

"What does life want from me?

"What does the greater purpose

want from me?

Look at this guy's attendance figures.

He's outselling Cline Dion, U2,

Billy Graham and Hannah Montana!

What's his actual philosophy?

"In quiet, there is truth."

Some sh*t like that. Something like that.

Just your typical New Age bullshit crap.

That's what my Aunt May used to call it.

New Age bullshit crap.

And if anybody can sell

some New Age bullshit crap, it's me.

Jack, it's a spiritual movement.

Yeah, I have a spiritual movement

every time I eat a bran muffin.

- God!

- All right, all right, Jack.

Assuming you can actually

get an audience with the guy,

you're not the only agent in town

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