A Royal Scandal Page #10

- I arrive with my regiment from the woods.

And my men join you on the second bridge

of the Neva.

At dawn, we all meet at the palace,

and Russia is ours.

Russia is ours!

- I idolised that woman.

Alexei, we must come to a decision.

If we don't move right now, we are lost,

every one of us.

What is your answer?

- I'm with you.

- Alexei!

We certainly got him on our side.

Good evening, gentlemen.

- Good evening.

- What are you doing here?

I want to be on the right side. The winning side.

Well? Who's going to be the new tsar?

I presume he's right here in this room.

- You would like to know, wouldn't you?

- Certainly. I'm an old diplomat.

I've spent my whole life

bowing to the right person.

I've given my spine to my career.

For instance,

I wouldn't like to kiss Paskovich's hand

and then find out that Ronsky is to be tsar.

And I certainly wouldn't want to kiss

Ronsky's hand until he'd washed.

Besides, gentlemen, I'm the only man in Russia

who knows that the money in the treasury

is not in the treasury.

Where is it? Where is it?

What's going on out there? Stop it!

Oh, it's you. I see you couldn't wait to apologise.

So, my little spanking improved your manners.

All the same,

just because you say you're sorry...

Oh, no, it's not going to be that easy.

So, like a good boy, go to your quarters,

and say good night very nicely.

Are you crazy?

You are crazy! Or maybe you're drunk.

Or did someone, by any chance, suggest that

you come here and play the strong man?

Well, if you must be a lion,

just roar once and get out of here.

If you have any idea of tearing down the palace,

if you should try to be Sampson,

you'll end up with a haircut, and a short one!

Good night!

Now, look here. I've had enough of this.

Just because I condescend to bestow

my favours on a little lieutenant...

Stand at attention!

Don't you ever forget that you're my subject

and I'm your monarch.

And whatever I say and wherever I say it,

I speak from the throne!

Dismissed!

- Guards!

- Guards!

- Guards! Guards!

- Guards! Guards!

- Where is everybody?

- Where is everybody?

Nicolai! Nicolai!

Go ahead, call. Shout. Scream.

There's nobody here to answer.

Just imagine, the almighty empress

and not a soul to answer her. Just you and I.

Sit down, Mother Russia.

Make yourself comfortable while you still can.

- Will you explain?

- Gladly.

Have you ever tried to sit on a chair

and somebody snatched it from under you?

That's what they'll do to you.

Snatch the throne from under you.

- A rebellion?

- No, a revolution.

Now, Alexei...

When Ronsky and his men get here,

you will pass into the waste basket of history.

- Be sensible.

- Don't have any illusions, madame.

You're not going to be a glorious page

in a history book.

You're not even going to be half a page.

Before I get through with you, you'll end up as

a footnote in very small print. The smallest.

However much you may hate me, Alexei,

I'm sure you don't want to see me killed.

- They're going to do it, Alexei.

- Oh, no, madame. I have their promise.

They wanted to, but when we discussed the loot,

I claimed you.

I could have had an old sofa. A genuine antique.

The mother of all the sofas.

- But I prefer the Mother of all the Russias.

- I know them.

They never kept their word.

They're not going to now. They'll kill me, Alexei.

Don't you understand?

You're under my protection.

I'm sending you to a place

where you'll be safe from everybody.

And everybody will be safe from you.

With no men around for a thousand miles.

Imagine, Catherine. No men to look at.

You'll regret this, you little nincompoop!

I made you and I'll break you.

I still wear the crown, and I still hold the sceptre.

And if it should be my last imperial act,

I'll clout you over the head so hard with

that sceptre, you'll never look good again!

Not even in a white uniform! Why you...!

Sorry. That's the property of the new tsar.

But if you behave yourself in the future,

I'll see you're provided with some cheap china

which, on Sundays and holidays,

you can throw at yourself.

- Let me out of here!

- How can I? I have to protect you.

Alexei, why can't we behave

like civilised people?

Take me away from here

where we can talk this over.

- You mean to some hidden place?

- Yes, Alexei.

You mean just you and me

and a bottle of champagne?

- No, madame. This is a revolution, not a picnic.

- Don't forget that you love me.

And I still love you.

Perhaps you werert so wrong at all.

Maybe the whole thing is my fault.

Yes, I'm sure it is.

- Madame is too gracious.

- No, I mean it, Alexei.

The more I think of it, I see your point.

I should have listened to your suggestions.

It's not too late, Alexei. For instance, your edicts!

Yes, 52 edicts! Whatever happened to them?

Where are they?

- Why don't you write them again?

- You...!

I am sincere, Alexei. I swear. I promise.

No Chancellor will ever interfere again.

- By the way, do you want to be Chancellor?

- I haven't the gout.

Yes, they're coming, madame.

Alexei, I can't believe it!

You won't let those traitors get me!

I beg you to save me! Take me away from here!

I implore you! I'll do anything you want.

I'll make you head of the army!

I'll marry you and make you tsar!

I'll make you tsar

and you won't have to marry me.

Save me! They're going to kill me! Have mercy!

You're just where you belong,

getting just what you deserve.

Long live our empress!

- Long live the empress!

- Long live Catherine the Great!

Good morning, Your Majesty.

Rather a hot night, wasrt it?

Oh, by the way,

General Chernoff is under arrest.

Well, General Chernoff,

things are different now, aren't they?

Now you're under my protection.

And I'm going to protect you.

Mercy, Your Majesty. Mercy! Forgive me!

You swine! You dirty traitor!

I'll have you hanged!

Please, Your Majesty, don't. I want him.

This is my share of the loot.

And please don't kick him, Your Majesty.

I want him undamaged.

You swine!

- Captain.

- Yes, Excellency?

Take this big piece of loot to my house.

Take him away.

Halt! About face!

A... a...

atchoo!

May I most humbly ask permission

to say something to Your Excellency?

- Go ahead, Ronsky.

- I am deeply depressed.

For the last few days, Your Excellency

hasn't slept well, hardly eaten.

- You Excellency seems worried.

- I am, Ronsky.

At this very moment,

Alexei's fate is being decided.

If this audience doesn't succeed,

I don't know what to do.

For his sake, and even more for Anna's sake,

I'd like to save him.

- Oh, Ronsky, Ronsky. Give me a vodka.

- Please, Your Excellency, the gout.

I haven't any.

But only this morning, when I had the honour

and pleasure of washing Your Excellency's feet,

Your Excellency's big toe didn't look at all

as I would like Your Excellency's big toe to look.

Ronsky, you're the best servant I've ever...

This audience has been going on

for over half an hour.

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