A Royal Scandal Page #8

- Aah!

Catherine!

Catherine!

I'm surprised at you, Nicolai.

- Tear it up.

- Please, Your Majesty, let me go.

- It's best for the country. I'm getting old.

- You're not getting old, Nicolai.

You are old.

Much too old to let yourself be upset

by the Colonel.

- The general, Your Majesty.

- Which general?

- The Colonel.

- Oh, yes, of course, I forgot.

If you tell that to anyone, I'll deny everything.

Give me a vodka.

Be honest. Arert you the one man in Russia

who can do what he wants to do?

Well, let's say what Your Majesty wants.

And that's as it should be.

I'm not complaining about the things

I have to do.

I'm worried about the things I have to undo.

If he has his way, in a few weeks,

we'll be at war with any nation that has as much

as one shootable cannon at its disposal.

He means well.

Give me another vodka.

Do you know, Nicolai, when he first came here,

I thought he looked wonderful in a white uniform.

Today,

I know he looks wonderful in any uniform.

And people should realise that

anyone who looks so attractive in a uniform

shouldn't be taken so seriously.

- But, Your Majesty, I...

- Have a little understanding, Nicolai.

I've worked so hard during all these years.

Your Majesty has. And history will reward you

in its grandest manner.

All I want to do is anticipate history

and do a little of the rewarding myself.

Now,

why should you want to begrudge me that?

Have I said anything when, again and again,

you ate yourself into the gout?

Really, Nicolai.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

What's this? It's Alexei's handwriting.

Yes, Your Majesty. Edict No. 52.

But this is a dreadful thing to do.

Supposing he should find it here,

or some troublemaker should take it to him?

- Anyway, what's it about?

- I don't know. I didn't read it.

- You didn't read it? Then why throw it away?

- I read the other 51.

Oh, well, I'll read it myself.

And if I find one good idea in it, then...

Give me another vodka.

But, fellows, why are we laughing?

You drunken idiot, you!

Our beloved friend Alexei

just told one of the funniest stories

ever told by any Commander

of the Palace Guard! Understand?

Friends, friends,

did I tell you too much about him?

- No!

- Oh, no!

Still in his 20 years, and already a statesman,

a great soldier and, I don't have to remind you,

the Commander of the Palace Guard.

Alexei, why have I been denied a son like you?

Let me kiss you.

Let me kiss you.

- Let me kiss you!

- Go away!

Leave me alone, you drunken idiot, you!

Alexei, tell us another story, uh?

- Yes, please, come on!

- Come on, tell us another one.

Please, Alexei, please!

My precious Arab steed and that wolfhound

dear to my heart, they are yours.

- Well...

- Ssh!

Well, once there was a Cossack

who got so bored...

...that he talked to his horse.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I could break every bone in your body,

you drunken imbecile!

You jackass!

- When he tells a story, you haven't heard it!

- But I have heard it.

So have I! So have all of us! A hundred times!

But don't you understand?

He's the Commander of the Palace Guard.

He can enforce any joke he makes

with 3,000 men!

Don't you see? We must get him on our side.

We have to!

Now, you stupid son of a half-witted father,

get in there and laugh!

Laugh till your eyes are wrecked with tears!

Laugh till your midriff bursts wide open!

Laugh, I tell you, or I'll kick your brain

right out of your riding breeches! Get in there!

Alexei, there must be some stories

about that great Chancellor of ours.

Yes, but they're not funny. They're tragic.

Tragic for Russia.

Did I tell you too much about him?

How many years did it take us to find that out,

and this young man in a few weeks!

What a head he has on his shoulders.

- Let me kiss you again.

- Let me kiss you, too!

That's enough! Go on, Alexei.

- Brothers, I know I can trust you.

- Yes, of course!

Friends, all I can say is,

it's going to be a different Russia.

- Now, don't let this get out of this room.

Oh, no.

We're all going to be happy.

I've arranged the whole thing.

Everybody in Russia will be happy.

- Good.

- Wonderful!

In the good old days, when you opened the door

to the house of a peasant,

you were greeted by the friendly grunt

of a swine.

Those days are gone. But I'll bring them back.

There's going to be a pig in every family!

- That's nothing new. There always is.

- Shut up and get out of here!

Fortunately, Her Majesty agrees with me.

I have her full support.

Arert we fortunate to have such a great ruler

at such a moment?

Yes!

ALEXEl:
She thinks of nothing but Russia.

She works 18 hours a day.

Let me tell you a story about her-

a story that'll warm your hearts.

Count Variatinsky has just arrived!

- Count Variatinsky?

- Count Variatinsky!

Count Variatinsky! How nice to see you!

- Yes.

Gentlemen! Good to see you!

Hello!

May I introduce

the former Commander of the Palace Guard,

the present Commander of the Palace Guard.

- I'm very happy to meet you.

- So am I.

Well, so, finally I meet Count Variatinsky.

- Her Majesty's talked so often about you.

- Favourably, I hope.

Nothing but the highest praise.

It was too bad you had to leave the guards.

It was a terrible blow to Her Majesty.

I'm sure it must have been to you.

But I suppose there was nothing else

you could do.

- By the way, how do you feel?

- I feel fine.

That's wonderful news.

Her Majesty will be delighted to hear it.

- To hear what, General?

- About your recovery.

- Why, was I sick?

- Oh, very sick, I understand.

- Her Majesty told me that...

- Oh, she did. I see.

It's flattering that Her Majesty takes

such an interest in me.

But it's not surprising, when the whole world

knows what a big heart she has.

- Oh, yes, a heart that big.

- Yes, very big.

Let me tell you a story. When I had the honour

and pleasure of being in your position, I er...

- Yes, tell us.

- Gentlemen, there are certain things

which can be told

only by one Commander of the Palace Guard

to another Commander of the Palace Guard.

Sorry, sorry.

Come, General. This is between ourselves.

- Now, as soon as we win him over...

- You think we will?

We have already. We have to persuade him

to move the guards out of the palace.

- And then, gentlemen, we move in.

- We move in!

We know what we are going to do

with that woman on the throne, don't we?

Yes!

- But, brothers, when we get to the palace...

- I know. No looting.

- Yes, friends. No disorganised looting, please.

It doesn't mean that we cannot pick up

a souvenir here and there.

- As for myself...

- You want the chandelier in the ballroom.

No. Much less. All I want is the Chancellor.

I'm going to take His Excellency...

Oh, are you back already?

Who was there?

Oh, Ronsky, Doskov, lots of people.

This Voltaire's too wonderful.

- Catherine.

- Yes, darling?

- Catherine, I believe in you.

- Well, thank you, darling.

That traitor! That... that scoundrel!

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