A Very Murray Christmas

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1

That's funny.

That's appropriate, isn't it?

How does that go? Let's see...

The jingle bells are jingling

The streets are white with snow

The happy crowds are mingling

But there's no one that I know

I'm sure that you'll forgive me

If I don't enthuse

I've come down

With those Christmas blues

I've done my window shopping

There's not a store that I missed

But what's the use of stopping?

When there's no one on your list

You'll know the way I'm feeling

When you love and you lose

Then you'll have the Christmas blues

When somebody wants you

Somebody needs you

Christmas is a joy of joys

But friends, when you're lonely

You'll find that it's only a thing

For little girls and little boys

May all your days be merry

Your season full of cheer

But 'til it's January

I'm going to go disappear

Yeah, Santa may have brought you

Stars for your shoes

All Saint Nick brought me

Was the Christmas blues

Those brightly-packaged

Tinsel-covered

Christmas...

Blues

- Merry Christmas.

- I'm not here.

- Mr. Murray's suite.

- I'm already dead.

- Yes, of course.

- The answer's no.

- Who is it?

- Your producers, Mr. Murray.

They're outside.

They've heard your beautiful voice, sir.

- God hates me.

- Forgive me, Mr. Murray.

But God is your biggest fan.

Number one fan.

Truly a huge fan, Mr. Murray.

- You really think so?

- Number one, sir. Number one.

- Hey!

- Hey!

Murray Christmas!

- Get it?

- Yeah...

- Wow, you look festive.

- I would lose those antlers.

Has anyone shown up for this thing?

- We're here.

- Yeah, so that's one friend.

- Paul's here.

- Yeah, Paul's here.

I wouldn't miss this nutty gig

for the world.

What are you worried about?

Come on. Let's do the show.

- Chop, chop.

- There's no one moving in the whole city.

The airports are closed.

The trains are closed.

The buses and bridges and tunnels

are not working.

A couple of saloons have closed.

The entire city of New York is shut down.

And you're expecting me to go downstairs

and do a show?

- Anything that's fun is always hard.

- That's right.

Oh, it's a miracle.

You two are going to shut up for a second.

- Please be George.

- Please be George.

- Hey.

- Is it George Clooney?

- Is it Clooney?

- Is it Clooney?

- Is he on the phone?

- Please, God, let it be Clooney.

How did you get this number?

Now, you'd better tell me because

I'm going to find out. I am working.

Don't ever do this again.

Ever. You got it?

- My sister.

- Family is important.

I need you to produce!

- Okay.

- Okay.

- How do we cancel this?

- Okay. I understand why you're frustrated.

I would be frustrated, too.

Maybe we shouldn't do it.

- Bev, should we cancel it?

- Okay. You two, grow up.

The satellite is bought and paid for

and non-refundable.

- So we can't cancel.

- You've got to try to cancel.

- We placed all the ads, man.

- Which is so exciting!

- The network has been pro-mo'ing this.

- They are very jazzed about it.

And I don't want to tell you how

personally on the hook you are for this.

You do not want to get sued, Bill.

You don't want to be personally

on the hook. That is scary.

So we've got some weather issues.

Hold on, Bev.

Bill might have a right. Maybe...

Bill has a contractual right to do the

best f***ing Christmas show that he can.

Let me guess. You're the bad cop.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

That was a little over the top.

Hey.

- Think of the troops.

- Yeah.

Right? And the kids in hospitals.

And pets outside.

I need my antlers!

You always forget them.

- Jackpot! Here we go.

- Thanks, Paul. Come on.

Here we go. Here we go.

No, no, no, no. No elevator.

The little guys in uniforms who run

these things couldn't make it in today.

Yeah, we're walking. A little exercise

is not going to kill you.

- Come on.

- Goodness me. Dimitri, hold onto these.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful

But the fire is so delightful

And since we've no place to go

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Let it snow...

This is your idea of a Christmas

special? This is a national disgrace.

Alright, stand down, Double D.

He's just a Hollywood sleaze bag.

I don't even know how to express

my shame in this moment.

The Murricane

skulking down the back stairs

like some 25-dollar-an-hour

Twin Cities hooker.

Go away. I told you.

I don't want a manager, especially you.

Maybe not. But you definitely need one.

Bill, Billy, this sad excuse for

a Christmas special... No harm intended...

Oh, none taken.

Seems more like a Christ-mess,

as in, what a mess!

We have George Clooney.

I rest my case.

You saw Monuments Men?

- I was in it.

- Number what? Seven on the call sheet?

- You were so good in that.

- You were great.

You were very good.

What I'm saying

is we all love George, right?

He and I are close.

He's a citizen of the world.

But we need size. We need edge.

If security had come in today,

I would be calling them right now.

Look, just sign with me today, okay?

I know you're a big fish.

But you're not going to snap my line,

okay? I'm hanging on tight.

Here's our Murricane special.

Blimp shot down

into Dallas Cowboys Stadium...

- Done it.

- Retractable roof opens.

- 80,000 screaming fans.

- Yeah.

What? You do it in post.

Camera zooms in.

We see Miley Cyrus wearing a sexy

red mini skirt, sitting on a white sleigh.

- You run in...

- Miley's in Tahoe.

I know Miley.

And that may or may not be true.

Okay, you just have to go away. I'm sorry.

Please just go as far away

as your company will send you.

Miss, could you check him, please?

Thank you.

I've heard that one.

You better check yourself, Bill.

You better run like a thief

from this car wreck.

Total disaster.

Total disaster.

Are you an actress?

Tonight, Christmas Eve, from

the legendary Hotel Carlyle in New York,

Bill Murray

and his celebrity friends gather...

See, Bill? Easy peasy.

We cut from you here live on stage,

to your guests' pre-taped reaction shots.

No one knows you aren't

in the same room together. Boom, done.

- A Christmas miracle.

- You've got to be kidding.

This is from last year's Golden Globes.

That's not going to match.

Yeah, match it...

What does it have to match?

It's all just fantasy, right?

I mean, we're the weavers of dreams.

We're the makers of merry.

- This is all just an illusion.

- Absolutely. It's all an illusion, Bill.

That's Brad Pitt and Angelina.

They're in Africa.

And it's daytime in Africa.

They're not in New York at Bemelmans.

They're in Africa.

Those are huts.

Who sees a hut?

Come on. Bill, calm down and trust us.

Were you nominated for an Emmy

for producing the SAG awards?

- No.

- Neither were we.

So get up there and do the show.

We go live in 90 seconds.

Bill, I think it's a blessing

that these people didn't show up.

Because now it's your time, you know.

The universe gives us many gifts.

It's whether or not we receive them.

- That's right. Receive the gift.

- This job is always surprising me.

- I'm so alone.

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