A Voyage Round My Father

FATHER:
Brokenhearted milkman,

in grief I'm arrayed

For keeping on the company

of a young servant maid

- [ Bee buzzing]

- Bring that saw, will you, boy?

Out of the barrow.

Who lived on board wages

and a house to keep clean

In a gentleman's family

in Paddington Green

Here, boy.

SON:

My father wasn't always blind.

[ Gasps 1

He hi! His head

on the branch of a tree,

and the retinas lei! The balls

of his eyes.

That's how I looked to my

father from childhood onwards.

That's how my wife

and his grandchildren looked.

Acorn Media

BOY:

Where are we going to sleep?

BOY 2:
I want to sleep

in Granddad's bedroom.

SON:
Nonsense! You're going to

sleep in the middle bedroom.

BOY 1:
I don't want to sleep

in the middle bedroom.

ELIZABETH:
You got the key?

I want to change her.

Oh. Uh...

Here.

[Door closes]

FATHER:

Trapped a few, boy?

SON:

Just a few.

FATHER:
Ah. That will teach them

to feast on our dahlias.

Put them to the slaughter.

Sow;

All right.

Dahlias are all right, are they?

Yes.

Will you describe them for me?

Well, they're red... yellow.

Blowsy.

Go on, tell me frankly.

Middle-aged, are they?

Past it, eh?

Well...

Oh, go on.

You paint me the picture.

[ Chuckles ]

You be my eyes, huh?

[ Chuckles ]

My father was blind,

but we never mentioned it.

He had a great disinclination

to mention anything unpleasant.

What was that?

Courage?

Cowardice?

Indifference?

Or caring too completely?

Made it?

Have we?

Good?

0K8'!-

Why didn't he blaspheme?

Beat his head against the

pitch-black walls around him?

Why didn't he curse God?

He had a great capacity

for rage,

bu! Never a! The universe.

This egg is bloody runny!

It's in the most revolting

condition.

[ Coughs 1

What are you trying to do,

choke me to death?!

Have you all gone mad?!

Am I totally surrounded

by cretins?!

[ Breathing heavily]

In this six months, he married

this hardhearted girl

But he was not a Viscount,

and he was not an earl

He was not a baronet,

but a shade or two worse

'Twas the bowlegged conductor

of a tuppenny bus

The boy here?

- Yes, dear. He's here.

- Mm.

Don't let anyone ever

deceive you into believing

that the world was created

in six days.

Would you like your coffee now,

dear?

The evolution of the horse

was the most torturous process.

Mm.

This coffee's frozen.

Like a sort of Arctic mud.

Shall I make you some fresh,

dear?

Um... rather like it.

Six days' labor wouldn't even

evolve one primitive earthworm.

Have you got some more of that?

So none of this

six-days nonsense, hmm?

What are you trying to do now...

scald me to death?!

The three of us lived

in a small house surrounded,

as if for protection,

by an enormous garden.

My father was driven

to the station,

where he caught a train

to London

and his work as a barrister,

in a great hearse-like car,

which he would no more have

thought of replacing each year

than he would have accepted

a different kind of suit

or a new gardening hat.

Mr. Ringer Lean, who drove it,

treated the car as though

it were a nervous stallion.

Come on, me old beauty.

A bit frisky this morning.

Do you want a quick rubdown

with the Sporting Life?

There we are.

- Morning, ma'am.

- Good morning.

- Morning, gov.

- Ah. Lean.

The old Austin's gone

a bit lame today.

The going doesn't suit her.

It's a bit heavy.

Come on, me old beauty.

[Cane tapping]

MOTHER:

Just here.

Right.

FATHER:
Right.

[Whistle blows]

MOTHER:

"Report of Mr. Thong."

Bah!

Private detective.

All right. Go on.

Read it.

"Observation was commenced

at 9:
00 p.m."

At 11:
00 p.m., the wife was seen

to enter the house

in the company

of a gentleman with a mustache

who was identified

as the corespondent Dacres.

The bedroom light came on

at 11:
05 p.m.

and was extinguished

five minutes later.

"The next day, inspection

of the bedroom revealed..."

Go on.

What did it reveal?

"Male and female clothing.

[ Whispers ]

Scattered."

What was that?

Do speak up, dear.

"Male and female clothing."

Scattered!

All right. Go on.

"We were able to inspect

the sheets and observed..."

Oh, do go on, dear.

"Stains."

What was that?

Stains!

He never used a white stick,

but his clouded malacca

was heard daily,

tapping the corridors

of the raw courts.

He had no use for therapy,

dogs, or training,

nor did he adapt himself

to his condition.

He simply pretended

that nothing had happened.

MOTHER:
It's Mr. Boustead, dear.

He's for the husband.

Ah.

[ Chuckles ]

Agin me, are you, Bulstrode?

Agin me?

Boustead.

Oh. Boustead.

Of course.

Excuse me, please.

Uh...

- Where are you? [ Chuckles]

- Here! I'm here.

Oh.

I, uh...

I've been studying your case

pretty closely,

and I have a suggestion to make

which might be useful to you.

- Really?

- Yes.

What I have to suggest,

dear boy,

is that you might like,

my dear boy,

to, uh, throw in your hand,

surrender.

Now, wouldn't that make life

more comfortable?

Certainly not.

I'd say we had

some pretty valuable evidence.

You terrify me, sir.

JUDGE:

Thank you, Mr. Thong.

Mr. Thong...

what price did you put

on your valuable evidence?

I'm a private inquiry agent.

A professional witness?

Charging the usual fee.

Ah.

30 pieces of silver?

I object.

This is outrageous.

Perhaps that was

not entirely relevant.

Then let me ask you something

which is very relevant,

which goes straight

to the secret heart

of this wretched

little conspiracy.

Where was my client's husband

during these observations?

Captain Waring had accompanied

me as we kept watch.

And did he not storm the house?

Did he not beat upon the door?

Did he not seize his wife's

paramour by the throat

and hurl him into the gutter?

According to my notebook, no.

What does the fellow say?

Not according to his notebook,

dear.

Ah.

Then, according to

your notebook...

was he enjoying himself?

- Really.

- Please, Mr. Bulstrode!

I have sat here for three days

like patience on a monument

while a series of spiteful,

mean, petty,

sickening,

and small-minded charges

are tediously paraded

against the unfortunate woman

I represent.

And now,

when I rise to cross-question,

I will not be interrupted!

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, please.

[Clears throat]

What was your question?

I have forgotten it.

My learned friend's interruption

has had the effect

he no doubt intended,

and I have forgotten

my question.

But this is intolerable.

Ah!

Now I've remembered it again.

Uh, did he enjoy the night

he spent in the field

from which he was miraculously

able to overlook

his own kitchen?

SON'.

He sent words into the darkness

like soldiers to battle

and was never short

of reinforcements.

In the law courts, he gave

his public performance.

You must understand

that Captain Waring

has already given evidence

to this court.

On the subject

of racing glasses?

No, Mr. Bulstrode.

On the subject of love.

He has told us

that he was deeply and sincerely

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