A Walk in the Woods

(PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

STAGE MANAGER:

Okay, stand by, everyone.

WOMAN:

Five, four, three, two...

At 52 minutes past the hour

on this Thursday morning, welcome back.

Joining me now is author Bill Bryson.

So, travel writing.

- I'm sorry, is that a question?

- (CHUCKLES)

Noel Coward once said,

"Why do the wrong people travel,"

"and the right people stay at home?"

(BRYSON SCOFFS)

Now, tell us about this

Collector's Edition Box Set.

"An elegant reissue of old favorites."

(CHUCKLES)

Riveting stuff.

Now, in your books, you've written

about Europe, Australia, the British Isles.

You actually lived there briefly.

Briefly. 10 years.

Mmm, but never America.

You've never written

about your home country.

- No, that's not exactly right...

- Why? Why nothing more personal?

I see. So you've moved back,

or is that just temporary?

No. Yes. (STAMMERING) My family,

we moved back. To New Hampshire.

Twenty years ago. And...

And we're still here.

"Still"? Interesting choice of words.

Uh, what else are you working on?

Are you writing something new?

No.

Not thinking of retiring on us, are you?

(CHUCKLING)

No, writers don't retire.

We either drink ourselves to death

or blow our brains out.

And which will it be for you?

After this interview, maybe both.

(CHUCKLES)

- Bill Bryson, pleasure to have you with us.

- Ah. Thank you.

(VIDEO GAME PLAYING)

CHILD:
Oh!

(LAUGHING)

(VACUUM WHIRRING)

- Oh. Hello, stranger.

- BRYSON:
Hello, yourself.

How'd it go?

- You saw?

- Mmm-hmm.

- That good, huh?

- Hey, Gramps.

- Hi.

- I saw, too.

- Oh, yeah? How'd I look?

- Do you want my honest answer?

Never mind.

- Gramps, I made it to level six.

- Level six? Way to go.

Did you get my message

about Earl McGregor?

Services are on Saturday morning.

Can't we just send flowers?

We could.

You two, hands washed,

dinner's nearly ready. Let's go.

(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

(BRYSON SIGHING)

Makes you think

about slowing down, doesn't it?

I'm so, so sorry.

My condolences.

Deborah, we're so sorry.

Thank you so much for being here.

It really means a lot to me.

It's our pleasure.

Uh, I mean, not our...

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Pardon me.

Uh, I mean, it's, uh, not a pleasant time,

- and it's not a time...

- No, we're just very sorry.

- We're very sorry.

- We're very sorry.

- I'll get my jacket.

- We just got here.

What? We've already paid our respects.

I mean, what else are we supposed to do?

Talk to people. It's good for you.

I don't like talking to people.

Go on.

- How are you? How good to see you.

- (SIGHING)

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(CHUCKLES)

(FAINT HAMMERING)

CATHERINE:
What on earth?

- You want to hike it?

- Yes.

CATHERINE:

Two thousand miles.

2118, actually.

No. You can't.

Why not?

Seriously, Bill.

Even for you this is ridiculous.

(CHUCKLING) Why?

Because you think I'm too old?

No, it's not because I think you're too

old, it's because you are too old.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, God, is this because of the funeral?

- No.

- What then?

Listen, I can't explain it.

Have a go.

It's just something I feel I have to do.

I want to explore nature.

I want to get back to my roots.

- Roots?

- Yeah. You know, push myself.

I mean, really, really hike.

(CHUCKLES)

Hike? You haven't hiked in 30 years.

- BRYSON:
Exactly.

- Can't you just do this in the Volvo?

Catherine.

What if I say you can't go?

Well, if you felt that way

then we would discuss it.

You mean I'll yammer on

and you'll nod away,

and then you'll go ahead and do whatever

you were going to do anyway

without having heard a word I've said.

(SIGHING)

- What?

- (CHUCKLING)

Am I just supposed to stand here

and accept these obvious signs

that you have gone mad?

It's my old pup tent. What do you think?

Well, I think it's the perfect place

for you to spend the night.

SAM:
You realize we all think

this is a terrible idea, right?

BRYSON:
It's certainly been brought

to my attention.

- SAM:
But you're still going to do it?

- Yes.

(SAM CHUCKLING)

It's just kinda insane, Dad.

The whole thing, at your age?

Fit people in their 20's can't do it, Dad.

It takes five months and

five millions steps.

- Of walking.

- Yes.

I've been doing it for a while, you know.

Dad, hiking is not walking.

Two thousand people a year try to do this.

Less than 10% make it.

You ought to see the statistics

on how many people finish writing a book.

(SIGHS) There's somebody

I want you to meet. All right?

Hey, Dave.

How's it going?

This is Dave.

- Dave.

- Hello.

He has hiked everywhere.

He can answer any question

you have about anything.

Okay. Can he tell me

why the caged bird sings?

Can you give us just a second? And can I?

Can we keep a lid on the jokes, please?

Pay attention while he's talking,

and don't say,

"You've got to be shitting me"

when he tells you the price of something.

Sam, you act like I've never camped before.

A tent is a tent.

This also has a 70 denier,

high-density, abrasion-resistant fly

with that same rip stop weave.

And just look at these seams.

All lap-felled.

No bias taping on the whole tent.

And the poles. Color-coded, DAC aluminum.

It's the finest craftsmanship.

Yeah, I've carried this one

on several sections of the trail myself.

For your purposes,

cannot go wrong with this monster.

All right, how much is it?

This one here is 289.

You've got to be shitting... Oh, okay.

I see what you're thinking, but out

on the trail, you're gonna thank me.

Are you coming?

You'll need a rain cover too, of course.

- A rain cover? Why?

- To keep out the rain.

- The backpacks aren't waterproof?

- Not 100%.

The rain cover weighs

four point six ounces.

You know how much weight it would add

to fully waterproof an 85-liter pack?

Well, I'll tell you. (CHUCKLES) It's a lot.

Let's not forget...

Oh, let me guess, in case you want

to do a little impromptu gardening?

No. You know the saying, "Take only

memories, leave only footprints".

Poop.

(LAUGHS)

- Oh, sh*t.

- Exactly.

CATHERINE:

Thought you'd find these interesting.

A Virginia man's remains

left undiscovered for 18 days

after he suffers

a catastrophic medical condition

just one week into his solo trek.

Most commonly spread through

infected rodent saliva, urine, and feces,

which become airborne particles...

Several law enforcement personnel

have expressed concern

about the gruesome nature

of these latest murders,

including dismemberment

and ritualistic savagery.

You are not doing this alone.

BRYSON:
This is Bryson.

How would you like to join me

for a little stroll?

It's a chance to grab some fresh air,

while there's still some left.

You know, studies show

Americans need to walk more.

Our forefathers, they walked everywhere.

It'll give you something to do

for the next six months.

Let me know if you're interested.

CATHERINE:
Rabies, crazed skunks,

raccoons, and squirrels,

merciless fire ants, and ravening blackfly.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote