A Walk in the Woods Page #2

Poison ivy, poison sumac, poison oak,

poison salamanders,

even a scattering of moose?

(PHONE BEEPS)

MAN #1:
Bryson, four words:

Not in this lifetime.

(BEEPS)

MAN #2:
I wish I could, Bill,

but I just switched to a new beta blocker.

I barely have enough energy

- to get dressed in the...

- (BEEPS)

MAN #3:
Next time, call

me for something fun.

- Like a colonoscopy.

- (BEEPS)

MAN #4:
Bill, I think you've been the victim

of identity theft.

I got the most ridiculous message

- from someone claiming...

- (BEEPS)

MAN #5:
Bill, you know you can see the whole

trail online in less than four minutes?

You know, you can't count Dan Budge.

Dying is not the same as saying no.

(BRYSON MUMBLES)

Did we know about that?

About Dan's death?

Yeah, I think

it was in Janice's Christmas card.

Well, that explains why she was so miffed

about my invitation.

(PHONE RINGING)

It's in the...

- (BEEPS)

- Hello?

Hello?

KATZ:
Hey, it's me.

I'm sorry?

Bryson, it's Katz.

- It's Katz?

- Yeah.

- Stephen?

- Yeah.

- (KATZ LAUGHS)

- Whoa.

You're in the States?

Yeah, yeah. Where are you?

(CHUCKLES) I'm in Des Moines.

Where the hell else would I be?

Well, it's good to hear your voice.

Yeah. Hey, Doug told me about

this Appalachian Trail deal of yours.

Are you serious about that?

Yes, I'm very serious.

You think maybe I could come with you?

(STAMMERS)

You wanna come with me?

Yeah, if it's a problem, I understand.

- No, no, no, no.

- I mean, I understand if you don't want me.

No, why... Why wouldn't I want you?

Because, you know,

I still owe you 600 bucks from Europe.

Well, that was forty years ago, Stephen.

Yeah, but I still intend to pay you.

Well, I know you're good for it.

Ah, great, great.

BRYSON:
So, what kind

of shape you in?

Well, I'm in good shape.

I walk everywhere these days.

Really?

Yeah, since the bastards

took away my license.

(CHUCKLES)

Um...

So, how are you with bears?

Well, they haven't gotten me yet.

(LAUGHS)

Well, you know there can't be a black bear

within 1,500 miles of Des Moines, Katz.

That's what I'm saying, man.

Those f***ers keep their distance.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You'll never guess who just gave me a call.

No, no, no. Not Stephen Katz.

Mmm-mmm.

You said I couldn't go alone.

Well, presuming you were going

to get somebody responsible.

You don't even know him.

Well, I know the stories.

Didn't he have a drinking problem?

We all had drinking problems.

Well, you two ended up

on each other's nerves in Europe.

No, no, no, no.

We started out on each other's nerves.

We ended up despising each other.

(SCOFFS)

You know I hate this, right?

Sweetheart, I really don't think

you have anything to worry about.

No. Just my husband wandering off

into the woods,

surely to be maimed or killed

or contract some ghastly

parasitic disease which,

if lucky, will leave him propped up

in a chair, drooling into his own bib.

But there's nothing to worry about,

because of course

I'll be the one expected to stand

by your side, feeding you ice chips

until you capitulate to this

unnamed malady, and then what?

I get to stand in front

of some gaudy church saying,

"He was a loving husband and father,"

"once considered to be

a man of reasonable intelligence,"

"since revealed to be nothing more"

"than a daft and utter fool."

Well, it's a shame I won't

be there to hear it.

Look, I know what this seems like, okay?

Have you actually

thought this through at all?

Of course not.

WOMAN:
(ON P.A) Lebanon Airport

welcomes Cape Air Flight 106.

Travelers arriving from Springfield

can claim their baggage

at Baggage Claim Carousel Four.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

You are shitting me.

(BRYSON CHUCKLES)

- Hey, Stephen.

- Bryson.

How are you?

Hello, Steve-o.

This is my wife.

You're the British nurse

I've heard so much about.

- I certainly hope so.

- Yeah.

Good to meet you.

That's a little bit like a bear hug.

Are you limping?

Oh, that's a titanium knee,

and this one's a trick knee, you know.

- BRYSON:
Oh.

- Let me see, I've got to get...

(GRUNTING)

(CRANKING VENDING MACHINE)

I gotta eat every hour or so,

otherwise I get these, uh...

- What, episodes?

- No, no, they're...

- BRYSON:
Seizures?

- Seizures, that's right.

- You get seizures?

- Mmm-hmm.

Yeah. You know, I ate some contaminated

phenethylamines about 10 years ago,

and it totally jacked up my system,

you know.

- I thought you said you were in shape?

- I am.

KATZ:
So the two of them take off

on a motorbike

and we have no choice but to hitchhike

all the way back to San Sebastian.

We go into the first pub, and boom,

there they are.

So, six hours later

we stumble out to the beach,

and Bryson insists on

having the pretty girl,

- of course, the redhead.

- Ooh.

And I get the horse-faced blonde, you know.

Uh, Bryson!

I can't believe... Come on, sit.

I can't believe

you never told Cathy about Spain.

Oh, it must have slipped my mind.

Hmm, I wonder why?

Anyway, the next day

we're on a train to Madrid.

Bryson goes to the head

and I don't pay any attention to it,

and he's in there a long time.

Finally, I look up,

and he's coming out toward the seat

and he's just scratching and scratching...

- Got it. Got it.

- (CATHERINE EXCLAIMING)

I said to him,

"Hey, Bryson, what's going on?"

And he says,

"Next time you can have the red-head".

(SAM LAUGHING AWKWARDLY)

- Is there a picture of the red-head?

- KATZ:
I think so.

I'd like to see the redhead.

I'd love to see the red-head.

- That's a really great story.

- CATHERINE:
She's not in here.

- Thank you for sharing that with my family.

- CATHERINE:
Where is she?

Well, I have more of them, Bryson.

No, no, that's great.

- No, no, I think we should have a few more.

- All right.

We were in Nice, and Bryson goes to this

very famous hotel there

called The Mayflower...

(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)

(GASPS)

Mmm, the Cubbies.

(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

Oh, decomposed.

Oh, my God.

(CHUCKLING)

(GRUNTING)

(PLAYING TUNE)

You still playing that thing?

Oh, yeah. Not good, but I'm playing.

(CHUCKLES)

How about you, still playing the drums?

Oh, God, no. I gave that up years ago.

Oh.

Is that your daughter?

- Yeah.

- Takes after her mother. Lucky break there.

(BOTH LAUGHS)

- How many grandchildren in all?

- Three, and another one on the way.

You really pulled it off, Bryson.

You know?

No, I mean that. I'm happy for you.

Well, how about you, Stephen?

You... You been okay?

Me? Oh, hell, yeah.

I spent half my life getting drunk,

chasing p*ssy.

The other half I wasted. (LAUGHS)

- Have you seen these things?

- Yeah.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

F***ed.

Hey, you know,

everyone thinks

we're going to go onto that trail

and quit after a week, like most people do.

We're not most people, Bryson.

No. No, we're not.

- So, good night.

- Good night.

(LAUGHS)

(AIRPLANE WHIRRING)

All right then.

- Thank you, Mrs. Bryson. Bye.

- You're welcome. Good luck.

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