A Walk in the Woods Page #3

I'll meet you inside. Right?

- I will miss you, you know.

- I hope so.

(CHUCKLES)

I just want to go on

the record one last time

and say, I do love you.

Try not to die, okay?

I'll do my best.

Go on. Bugger off.

I remember this one guy that I picked up.

He came off the Trail.

He's not like you guys, a lot younger.

He got back there and just started crying.

I'm serious.

Cried all the way back to Atlanta.

Sat back there whimpering like a child.

When you drop people off,

can you tell whether

they're going to make it or not?

Oh. Yes, sir, yes, sir.

Every time, pretty near.

How about us?

Oh, well, here we are. (CHUCKLES)

Thank you.

- Here you go.

- Okay.

- Breakfast at seven.

- Seven.

- Yeah. Okay.

- Okay.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

I hope you don't mind my saying,

but these are about

the best damn pancakes I ever had.

Is that right? Well, I like a man

who appreciates his pancakes.

- Well, I sure do appreciate these, honey.

- (LAUGHS)

- Would you like some coffee?

- Yeah.

And I'll get you a menu.

No, no, I've already eaten. Thanks.

Not bad looking, huh?

That depends.

You know what I look for

in a female these days?

A heartbeat and a full set of limbs.

Well, most people lower their standards

as they age.

- Yeah?

- You've actually raised yours.

(CHUCKLES)

You know, Bryson, I've been thinking.

Let's stay here another night.

- You kidding?

- No. No. It is cold outside.

It's warm in here.

- I am going.

- Wait a minute. (GRUNTS)

We go. We go.

Hey, hang on. I'd like to say a few words

if you don't mind.

All right.

- I don't want to reach for metaphors, but...

- No, reach, Bryson, reach.

Well, they say

the Appalachian Trail is like life.

Uh-huh.

You don't know what's ahead, you don't

know what's going to happen next,

but you give it your best shot.

Your best...

So, on that note...

- We go?

- We go.

All right.

(KATZ PANTING)

You keeping up?

Yeah. Keeping up.

(SIGHS)

Are we hiking or strolling?

What, is this a race?

We're trying to do 11 miles.

Slow and steady, pal.

You wanna burn out your legs, go ahead.

(GROANING)

- Just be nice to get there before midnight.

- Yeah, well.

(GRUNTS)

That would be nice.

Go ahead. Help yourselves.

Oh, jeez.

Okay, complete the following sentence.

What goes up must come

down.

What the hell happened to down?

It can't be uphill all the way to Maine.

Coming through.

Oh, my God. All right.

- What's up?

- Not much.

- Beautiful day.

- Yeah, it sure is.

- Excuse me.

- Okay.

Little f***ers.

MAN:
It's just

over the hill, guys.

(KATZ PANTING)

(GRUNTING)

- KATZ:
Boy.

- You okay?

KATZ:
Yeah.

I almost fell off the log.

(PANTS)

How far do you figure we've gone?

Oh, about a quarter of a mile.

Motherfuck.

We're going already?

(GRUNTING)

Just kill me now.

I don't care how you do it,

but please, just kill me now.

(GROANING)

(PANTING)

- What, that's it? No dinner?

- (GROANING)

(ZIPPING UP TENT)

(KATZ GROANS)

KATZ:
Hiya.

- KATZ:
You remember the Randall Farm?

- Of course.

KATZ:
Super-Walmart now.

BRYSON:
Christ.

KATZ:
The old drive-in theater?

- BRYSON:
Don't tell me.

- (CHUCKLES)

- KATZ:
Subaru dealership now.

- No.

KATZ:
Yeah. I got my first blowj*b there.

- BRYSON:
In the Subaru dealership?

- (CHUCKLES)

- Bit of a late bloomer, huh?

- (LAUGHS)

I bumped into Jimmy Duncan

a few weeks back.

You remember him?

- Yeah. His mom worked at the library?

- (LAUGHS)

'Course you remember his mom.

BRYSON:
Yeah, she was nice.

KATZ:
And she didn't own a bra.

- BRYSON:
Well, if she did, she never wore it.

- (LAUGHS)

KATZ:
Man, I loved that library.

(HARMONICA PLAYING)

(CONTINUES PLAYING)

- KATZ:
Hey, Bryson?

- Yeah?

KATZ:
Have you really kept in touch

with Doug Glawinski all these years?

BRYSON:
No, not at all. Why?

KATZ:
You invited him,

so I was just curious.

BRYSON:
Well, yeah.

I invited everyone I could think of.

KATZ:
No, not everyone.

I heard about it from Doug.

BRYSON:
I don't think I had your number.

KATZ:
You had Doug's number?

BRYSON:
Well, if it makes you feel any

better, I really don't like Doug.

KATZ:
(LAUGHING)

Well, I don't blame you.

I'm not sure how that's supposed

to make me feel better, though.

BRYSON:
Yeah.

I guess I really didn't think that through.

Good night.

KATZ:
Good night.

(TENT UNZIPPING)

You burying your sh*t?

Yes.

- In the woods?

- Yeah.

Oh, Bryson, I've missed you.

Thank you. (LAUGHING)

Can't wait to read about this in the book.

BRYSON:
I'm not writing a book.

Hi.

You guys camping here?

No, we live here.

(LAUGHS)

What are you guys eating?

Noodles? Ugh, big mistake.

Noodles have got, like, no energy in them.

I mean, like, zero.

I'm Mary Ellen. Is that your tent?

BRYSON:
Yeah.

Oh, big mistake.

They must have seen you coming

at the camping store.

- How much did you pay for it?

- I don't remember.

Too much. That's how much. (LAUGHS)

Shoulda got a three-season tent, my friend.

It is a three-season tent.

Pardon me for saying so,

but it is, like, seriously dumb

to come out here in March

without a three-season tent.

It's April. (CHUCKLING)

And it is a three-season tent.

That's a three-season tent.

No, no. Those are both three-season tents.

No. I don't think so.

(GRUNTS)

How many miles did you guys do today?

Around 10.

Ten? Oh, you must be really out of shape.

I did fourteen-two. Started at Gooch Gap.

Well, so did we. And it's eight point four.

- No.

- (CHUCKLING) It is. It's eight point four.

Excuse me. But I think I ought to know.

I just walked it.

So did we. And it's eight point four.

Tomato, tomahto.

You know what your problem is?

You're too fat.

Excuse me?

You should have dropped some of that

tonnage before you hit the trailhead.

I mean, you're liable to have some sort

of serious heart thing out here.

(GRUMBLING)

And so I just walk alone,

because everybody I know is boring.

I'm the only person I know

who doesn't bore myself to death.

Also, if I walked with someone else,

I'd have to watch them make, you know,

mistake after mistake after mistake,

and I'd go crazy, and then I'd not be sane

on the trail, you know?

I was like, "Mary Ellen,

who's the only person you know"

"who doesn't mess up?" and it's like, me.

I went through this person,

it was, like, dumb.

That person, boring. This person, dumb.

Dumb, dumb. Boring, boring.

I know what you're thinking.

I'm not married.

BRYSON:
I wonder why?

Well, I do have a boyfriend,

but he's in Florida and he's in prison.

I wouldn't hike with him even if he wasn't

because you can't trust a convict,

and he's dumb.

And boring, actually.

What's your star sign?

I bet you're a Gemini, aren't you?

Ah, I'm really good at this. I have a gift.

- No, I'm not a Gemini.

- I think you are.

Actually, I'm a Leo.

I don't think so. I'm really good at this.

I was born in August.

Mmm, check your birth certificate.

- And you? You're a Libra.

- (SCOFFS)

Definitely a Libra.

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