A Walk in the Woods Page #4

I could make a living doing this.

You're zero for two, honey. Zero for two.

Can you guys guess what I am?

- Couple of thoughts come to mind.

- Yeah?

MARY ELLEN:
(SINGING)

She's up all night to the sun.

I'm up all night to get some.

She's up all night for good fun.

We're up all night to get lucky

(CONTINUES SINGING)

KATZ:
F***.

God damn it. Damn it!

(GROANING)

(UNZIPPING)

I swear to God I'm gonna

rip her larynx out.

I'm not sure that's going to do it.

I got a better plan.

Go on, lay it on me.

Okay, according to the map,

we get to Hiawassee tomorrow.

We get an early start and we hike hard,

we can put some distance between us.

Yeah, that's probably better than my plan.

What's your plan?

Kill her. Take her Pop-tarts.

- Hey, good morning.

- BOTH:
Good morning.

You guys heading out?

Yeah. You want us to wait for you?

Yeah, we'll wait.

Nah, I'll catch up. I'm pretty regular.

(WHISPERS) We go.

BRYSON:
We've still got

a couple more miles.

How far back is she?

She's gaining.

- I don't think...

- I don't... (YELPS)

We need a new plan.

- Yeah, we do. We need a new plan.

- Yeah.

(PANTING)

Shh.

I didn't say anything.

- Well, you sound like a DC-10. Keep it down.

- Oh.

- (PANTING)

- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Here she comes.

(KATZ WHEEZING)

- Hold your breath.

- (GASPS)

(WHISPERS)

Hold it, hold it.

(SIGHS)

(SINGING) We've come

too far to give up who we are

(GRUNTS)

We go, we go!

- Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

- Hey!

Wait, stop!

Who the hell's gonna stop for us?

We look like sh*t.

KATZ:
Hey, stop!

(TYRES SCREECHING)

They stopped!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

(TYRES SCREECH)

Hey, you boys want a ride?

Sure do!

(LAUGHS)

Y'all have to excuse us.

We are celebrating.

Yeah? What are you celebrating?

We are getting married tomorrow.

- Great, great.

- Congratulations, you guys.

Yeah, Darren is making

an honest woman out of me.

- Ain't that right, baby?

- Yes, I am.

- Uh, you wanna watch the...

- (TYRES SCREECH)

(DONNA SQUEALS)

(LAUGHS)

(UNHOOKING BELT)

DARREN:
Yeah.

Holy sh*t. I wish I was still 20.

I wish I was still 50.

DONNA:
See y'all later.

DARREN:
Bye, y'all.

What can I get you boys to drink?

The tallest and the coldest beer

you can offer.

Coke.

- Just Coke, nothing in it?

- Just Coke. I'm reformed.

- Okay.

- Uh, you know what?

Make mine a Coke also.

All right. Just a second.

Oh, wow. I'm... I'm impressed.

Well, you know, ever since

I rolled my car on route six,

- I had to rethink some things.

- Yeah, that'll do it.

A lady cop came up to the window

and she knocked.

I was hanging upside down by the seatbelt

and I said, "What's the problem, officer?"

(CHUCKLES)

She just stared at me and walked away.

So I haven't had a drink since.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Well, that's good.

- Good for you.

- Yeah. Good for me.

Really.

Ah.

You know, Bryson,

I keep looking at the door over there and

I keep seeing Mary Ellen coming through.

I hope you're not going to tell me

you miss her?

Oh, no, no. Hell no,

I'm not going to tell you that.

I mean, we did kind of ditch her though,

didn't we?

No, we didn't just kind of ditch her,

Stephen. We ditched her.

Yeah. We left her all alone in the woods

by herself.

She came into the woods by herself.

It's not like we signed a contract

to look after her.

No, but she's probably scared out

of her wits.

What are you so interested in her for?

I'm not interested in her at all.

The damndest thing,

Bryson, is I am a Libra.

She got it right.

Maybe she has a gift.

What are the chances?

One in 12, actually.

One in 12. That's pretty damn good.

Oh. Southbound, coming through.

MAN:
Mary Ellen?

Oh, yeah, she talked about you guys.

KATZ:
Yeah? What did she say?

- Well, her words, right?

- KATZ:
Right.

She said you guys

were a couple of overweight wimps

who didn't know the

first thing about hiking.

And she was tired of carrying you.

Oh, Holy Christ Almighty.

Actually, I think she called you

a couple of pussies.

- Pussies?

- Pussies?

After all we did for her?

You guys know it's supposed to snow

tonight, right? Six to eight inches.

- Really?

- MAN:
More higher up.

That's what they're saying.

You're going to be climbing right into it.

- Yeah? Oh.

- Yeah.

- Well, I gotta keep moving, guys. Be safe.

- BRYSON:
Thanks.

KATZ:
Snow?

That guy's out of his f***ing mind.

(WIND WHOOSHING)

(SCREAMING)

You okay?

Never better.

Goddamn things are useless.

What I'm thinking

we could do is follow this logging road,

get to the other side of this ridge,

and get out of the wind

where we can set up our camp.

What do you think?

Me? I think I'd rather have a nice hot soak

in a Jacuzzi.

But if you're dead-set on following

that logging road, we can do that, too.

We can save the Jacuzzi for another time

when things aren't going so well.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

- I'll follow you.

- Okay.

Katz, you still there?

- KATZ:
Unfortunately.

- (CHUCKLES)

Just like you said, Bryson.

The AT. You never know what lies ahead.

So it appears.

WOMAN:
I promise you, if there was heat,

it would be on, honey, all right?

Use the talcum powder, that helps.

Hi. We'd like a cabin.

Preferably with a private bath.

The cabins went two days ago.

But I do have two spaces in the bunkhouse.

(KATZ GRUNTS)

KATZ:
I don't know

if you're aware of this, Bryson,

but every time I hear the word "bunkhouse"

my testicles shrink up inside my body.

Welcome to the Stalag.

There's a meeting of the Escape Committee

at 1900 hours.

Oh, okay.

Hey, are you liking that XT-85?

Your pack.

Oh.

- I got a Gregory.

- Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I looked at the XT-85, solid pack.

But the quad access points,

dual hydration ports in the Gregory,

they sold me.

What made you buy an XT-85?

I thought it was easier

than carrying everything in my arms.

- How come you're up top?

- Well, heat rises, pal.

(KATZ GRUNTING)

Oh, yeah.

(BED CREAKING)

Hey, you know...

KATZ:
(GROANS)

Hey, Bryson, are you all right?

BRYSON:
Oh, never better.

(MOTIVATIONAL SONG PLAYING)

We can start, maybe, right there and...

Hello, there.

You guys, uh, doing all right?

Yeah, we're fine.

Because, look,

when we get over to the other side,

we can just come back

and grab your packs if you want?

You know, it's easy for us.

- Not a problem.

- Happy to help.

We like hard, we don't like easy.

But thanks a lot, you know.

- All right, then.

- Okay.

- Excuse us. All right.

- Yep.

- Nice guys.

- Yep.

- I hate 'em.

- Me, too.

Well...

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

- That went well.

- It was refreshing.

Bryson, you've got everything

a man could want.

And here you are,

tramping around in the woods with me.

Seriously, what gives?

I don't know.

As John Muir once said,

"Sometimes a man just has to"

"get a loaf of bread and throw it into a

sack, and jump over the back fence."

Oh, I got you.

Life's a little too perfect

inside that fence, huh?

- No, no, no...

- Oh, you made sense, Bryson.

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