A Walk in the Woods Page #5

You're a caged animal.

You wanna get back into that forest.

Live a little.

- That's not it.

- No, that's got to be it.

So why'd you come?

KATZ:
I guess I didn't want to spend

the rest of my life in jail.

- BRYSON:
What?

- (CHUCKLING) It's nothing, really.

Just a couple of outstanding warrants

I didn't show up for and stuff like that.

Jesus, Stephen, that's really not something

you can run from.

(KATZ LAUGHS)

KATZ:
Actually, you kind of can.

BRYSON:
Same old Stephen.

Always running from something.

KATZ:
Oh, really?

You're one to talk.

Not you.

Remind me again why we're out here?

It's was not like

you had something better to do.

As I recall, in fact,

you begged me to come.

I begged? I begged to come? I asked.

You know what cracks me up, Bryson?

Is how predictable your whole life

has become, right down to the Volvo.

God forbid somebody should evolve

rather than squandering away

their existence.

I mean, look at you. All these years

and you're still stuck at square one.

Hey, Bryson. Are you happy?

What the hell kind of a question is that?

Pretty important question, I'd say.

What, do you think you're happy?

I think...

Wow.

The Smokies.

BRYSON:
Now this is interesting.

Oh, God, this is amazing.

From here you can see

all three kinds of rock.

There, you see that layered section

across that slant?

- KATZ:
Yeah.

- That's sedimentary.

And the dark stuff here, pushing up

from underneath, that's igneous.

Think volcanic.

How do you know all this stuff?

Well, there are these things called books.

- Oh. No kidding, they're called books?

- Yeah, they're like TV for smart people.

See, what we're talking about here,

Katz, is time.

Geologic time.

Hundreds of thousands of years

of enormous, shifting tectonic plates.

It's like the world being reborn from below

while it's being eroded from above.

Yeah. Well,

when we get back I'm gonna buy you a TV.

Because nobody gives a f***

about shifting tectonic plates.

Well, I do.

You know why?

Because I'm curious,

and I love being curious.

I like knowing things about the world

that we're living in.

Well, I think it's all f***ing rock.

Oh, yeah?

I don't get bogged down in the minutiae.

- I'm above the details.

- (CHUCKLING) You are?

I'm big picture, Bryson.

Oh. How's that working out for you?

Ah, pretty, uh, f***ing good.

(HONKING)

Hello.

We'd like a room, please.

Two rooms.

Oh, the Cubbies lost a double header,

and they're 11 games back.

Don't act surprised.

Tonight would be preferable.

Hello there?

Where are the Red Sox?

Red Sox? Are you f***ing kidding me? Whoa.

Excuse me, ma'am.

- Red Sox?

- I live in New England.

Yeah, but Bryson, it's not about

where you live, it's about who you are.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm the kind of guy that

likes it when a team wins now and then.

Well, you don't...

You don't give up on a team just because

they've had a few bad years.

(SCOFFING)

A few bad years? Jesus.

KATZ:
Baseball is about loyalty.

Like, she knows what I'm talking about.

Don't you?

Would you two like a minute?

Hi, I'm Jeannie. How can I help y'all?

Mother, let go of the man's hand.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Um, we'd like a couple of rooms. Please.

Oh, sure. Where are you all from?

Uh, I live in New Hampshire,

but I spent over 10 years in England.

- Mostly in the north countryside...

- He's from Iowa.

Well, the rooms are 40 a night

and you can pay when you leave.

Mother, I said, "Let go of the man's hand".

Thank you.

Helluva grip.

BRYSON:
The Cubs should sign her.

She'd be the youngest in their bullpen.

(KATZ LAUGHS)

- BRYSON:
I guess this is me.

- Yeah, okay. I'm right here.

- BRYSON:
Yeah.

- Yeah. All right. I'll see you.

Yeah.

(MOANING SOFTLY)

Ah!

(MOANING)

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

- Hi.

- Hello, again.

- How can I help you?

- I just need some towels.

- Oh. I'm sorry about that.

- That's fine.

- Here, come with me.

- Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Yeah, it's family owned and operated. For

three generations, if you can believe it.

Oh, I can.

It has a personal feel to it.

That's pretty rare these days.

Eighty-three years.

Wow.

We, um... We added the restaurant

10 years ago.

- So you manage that, too?

- Yeah.

Somebody's gotta do it.

It's not so bad.

I get to meet interesting people.

(CHUCKLES) I'm not sure

I qualify as interesting.

Oh, I wasn't talking about you.

(LAUGHING)

Sorry. Could not resist.

- I'm glad I'm here to amuse you.

- Yeah, yeah. Me, too.

This is you.

You must be exhausted.

(GASPS)

KATZ:
Holy sh*t.

I... I gave you a couple extras.

Enjoy your shower.

I will, thanks.

Do you need anything else?

No. Not at the moment.

Okay.

Well, you know where I am. All right.

CATHERINE:
We're not here right now,

but please leave a message

and thank you for calling. Bye.

(BEEPS)

Hi, sweetie. It's me.

Uh, just calling to say I love you.

- (COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

- Right, right. That's the one.

Nice, isn't it? I like it.

KATZ:
Everything good

on the home front?

(CHUCKLES) She's impressed

we haven't killed ourselves yet.

(CHUCKLING)

She's not the only one.

Did you tell her about last night?

What?

You in a robe?

The proprietress,

I'm sure, was looking to hand over

more than just towels.

You're out of your mind.

KATZ:
Am I?

Sure will make a steamy

chapter in the book.

Katz, I told you I'm not writing a book.

Listen, I'm going to go

over to, uh, K-Mart.

Get a couple of things. You okay?

Oh, I'm in my happy place.

Good.

- (HONKING)

- WOMAN:
Idiot!

Oh, wait, wait.

(GRUNTS) Here, here.

- Here you are, ma'am. Here you go.

- Oh, thank you.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

(MUTTERING)

- Pardon me.

- Hmm?

I'm so sorry. Do you think

you could give me a hand here?

Well, certainly. I'd be happy to.

What seems to be the problem?

I'm having a difficult time

removing my panties.

Well, luckily you're

- in the presence of an expert.

- Oh.

(KATZ CHUCKLING)

May I?

- Oh, they're silk, aren't they?

- Mmm-hmm.

- (MACHINE CREAKS)

- I'm a pantyologist.

Really? I've never heard of that.

- (MACHINE CREAKING)

- (GRUNTS)

(CLANGS)

- Oh.

- Oh.

Well,

these aren't gonna do you much good.

Well, they might not do me

much bad, either.

(LAUGHING)

No.

- Jesus, Bryson.

- Don't ask.

You been screwing hogs again?

You're just jealous.

Actually, I'm not.

In your absence, my romantic life

has taken a turn for the better.

Remember the laundromat?

Her name is Beulah.

Seriously?

Yeah, seriously.

And she's got a beautiful body.

Buried under two hundred pounds of fat.

But then, you know I kinda like

a little meat on the bone.

Sure, as long as you don't have to

remove a wall to get her out of the house.

How did this happen?

She asked me if I would come

take a look at her panties.

- What?

- They were caught in the agitator.

And they were shredded.

So I'm gonna meet her this afternoon

in front of the fire station.

Is that where she keeps

her spare underwear?

I'm telling you, man,

I felt a stiffening of the old resolve.

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