A Walk in the Woods Page #6

(CHUCKLING)

- Oh, yeah?

- I got her these.

Oh, she's a big woman.

Where'd you get these?

K-Mart. I took a cab.

Um, I thought I'd give

'em to her at dinner.

As an ice-breaker.

You're gonna give those to her

in a restaurant?

Yeah.

Unless you think it's a bad idea.

No. I think that's a great idea.

(LAUGHS)

Good.

Hey.

- You had the turkey, right?

- WOMAN:
Yes.

- Enjoy.

- WOMAN:
All right.

(POUNDING ON WINDOW)

We go. We go.

- What are you talking about?

- There's some guy looking for me!

Some guy?

Beulah's husband.

- Beulah's got a husband?

- Yeah.

I mean, there's only two guys on the planet

that would go to bed with her,

and here we are in the same damned town!

So what happened?

I'm standing in front of the fire station

like we planned.

Yeah.

And then around the corner comes

this red pickup and it screeches to a halt.

And this big guy, he's angry, he gets out,

and he's walking up towards me,

and he's going like this.

"I want to talk to you."

- So what did you do?

- I ran.

You ran?

Yeah. I can move like a jack-rabbit

if I have to.

- So he didn't catch you?

- No, no. He's 600 pounds.

He's not exactly a track star.

He's cruising around now in his red

pickup truck looking for me.

I been running through back yards,

clothes lines, all sorts of sh*t.

- Well, you're safe now.

- This guy is...

(HORN HONKS)

Red pickup!

And there's another one!

Come on, Bryson, we need a plan!

Why don't you go out and talk to the guy,

huh? I'm sure he's reasonable.

That's your plan?

(CHUCKLING) I don't need a plan.

I'm not being chased.

Now, come on, Bryson,

we gotta get outta here.

- Yeah.

- Come on, don't mess around with me.

Please?

- Come on!

- Yeah, yeah.

(FAKE ACCENT)

Hey buddy, you in there?

It's Bubba T. Flubba! Are you in there,

boy? Come out, you chicken sh*t!

KATZ:
Come on! Don't mess around!

(CAR APPROACHING)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

MAN:
Open up!

I know you're in there, you son of a b*tch!

Holy sh*t.

He's here!

MAN:
I don't care

where the hell you are,

I'll knock every one

of these damned doors down!

Come on, I know you're in here somewhere,

you son of a b*tch!

I don't care where you are,

I'm gonna find you!

I want to know who's been messing

with my Beulah!

- Bring your ass out here!

- Come on, Bryson!

Pull me through! He's at the door!

- (POUNDING AT DOOR)

- (BOTH GRUNTING)

Open the goddamned door!

BRYSON:
Come on, move it! Move it!

(POUNDING CONTINUES)

(KATZ LAUGHING)

KATZ:
But what about Basel?

When we stole the boat?

BRYSON:
(LAUGHING) We didn't steal

the boat, we borrowed the boat.

KATZ:
Yes, well, the girl's uncle

with the shotgun, he saw it differently.

BRYSON:
He sure did.

(MELLOW SONG PLAYING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

KATZ:
You know,

you missed out in Greece.

BRYSON:
I'd kind of had

my fill by that point.

When you said you were gonna go

to England, I thought you'd last,

one week. Tops.

- Well, I met a gal.

- Yeah.

And that was that.

Well... Yeah, thank you.

Cathy seems great. But obviously

you've been with other women.

Never?

In the last 40 years?

Nope.

(LAUGHING)

Bullshit, you son of a b*tch.

I saw you undress that proprietress

six ways to Sunday.

- You can't tell me you didn't.

- Well...

One woman all these years?

Yep.

That can't be good for you.

(LAUGHS)

I mean, when was the last time

that you even got a, uh...

Well, never mind.

I know how married women are.

Really? Is that so?

Yeah. Trust me. I've been with way more

married women than you have.

(LEAVES RUSTLING)

(RUSTLING CONTINUES)

Hey, Katz, you awake?

- KATZ:
No.

- (RUSTLING CONTINUES)

What was that?

How the hell should I know?

(SNUFFLING)

It sounded big.

Everything sounds big

in the woods, Bryson.

It's probably just a skunk. Go to bed.

Did you pack a knife?

No.

BRYSON:
Nothing sharp?

(SIGHING) Nail clippers.

(SCOFFS) Swell.

KATZ:
Just leave it alone, Bryson.

It will go away.

Oh, yeah, well if it is a bear

and it comes toward you,

what are you going to do?

Give it a pedicure?

Jesus! Two f***ing bears

staring right at me.

Oh, god dammit, Bryson, get some sleep.

(BEARS GRUNTING)

Holy sh*t.

(GROWLING)

If they come for us, play dead.

KATZ:
If they come for us, we are dead.

No, wait, wait, wait.

That's grizzlies. Wait a minute.

KATZ:
Motherfuck.

They're tearing everything apart.

Okay. "Stand up as tall as you can

to intimidate the bear."

Intimidate the bear? They're f***ing bears!

BRYSON:
We've got to scare them off.

Get! Scat!

(BOTH YELLING)

(PLAYS HARMONICA)

(ROARS)

(SHOUTING)

(ROARING)

(YELLING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

You gotta put this in the book.

- There's not going to be a goddamned book.

- Oh.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Jeez. Damn.

(GRUNTING)

Come on, we're having fun.

Holy sh*t.

- Look at this.

- What?

KATZ:
This is the trail.

Here we are.

We're not even halfway there.

- This can't be right.

- Son of a b*tch.

No way that's to scale.

It says, "Map to Scale".

That's it. New plan.

God damn it.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

KATZ:
I'm telling you, Bryson,

there's a lot of advantages.

You want to drive the Appalachian Trail?

No, no, just jump ahead.

Pick up the trail a little further north.

You know, we can rent a car over here.

Then we're mobile, we'll see more.

Check out local points of interest.

Bigger field of vision.

Bryson, as a friend,

do this for me.

(KATZ LAUGHING)

Hey, you're not gonna believe the deal

I got on this.

Katz...

This beauty represents not one,

but two upgrades.

Satellite radio, leather seats, sunroof.

Same price as a Camry.

If you can believe that.

Here you go, Mr. Katz. Just three quick

initials and you'll be on your way.

We can't do this.

Of course we can.

I came out here to accomplish something.

Not to just give up

when things got a little tough.

We're not giving up, Bryson.

What does it matter

if we skip the shitty parts?

- No one's gonna know.

- Well, I will.

I'm not a quitter.

I know it served you well in your life,

- but I finish what I start.

- Bryson.

- Did we not both see the same map?

- Yeah.

You have no chance of finishing this trail.

None. Zero. Zilch.

Well, I'm sure as hell gonna try.

Hike until you die.

Where do I sign up?

We're two old men, Bryson.

You gotta quit thinking otherwise.

Speak for yourself.

Just because you don't accept something,

Bryson, doesn't mean it's not true.

- Well, that's interesting, coming from you.

- Just three initials is all...

It's everything with you, Bryson.

Christ, if someone asks you

where you're from, you can't even answer.

Oh, so I'm the one in denial, huh?

When you're the one

hiding whiskey in your pack.

- Oh.

- I saw the bottle.

So I guess neither of us

can accept who we really are.

Oh, I know who I am and why I'm here.

I came out here to be with you,

to sneak in one last adventure

before it's too late.

Well, this is my adventure,

and you signed on.

You can do whatever you want,

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