A Walk in the Woods Page #7

but you're not going to drag me down.

- If you could just use that pen to sign...

- (SHOUTS) Fine!

- I don't want your car.

- Excuse me?

I don't want your goddamn car.

Fine!

- Well, that's the spirit.

- Yeah. F***.

(KATZ GRUMBLES)

KATZ:
I sure am glad

we aren't driving right now.

- You?

- BRYSON:
I couldn't be happier.

(KATZ SCOFFING)

You know, 50 years ago,

one in every four of these trees

was an American Chestnut.

- You know what that is? You ever seen one?

- I think so.

It's incredible.

They rise from the forest floor,

clear to the top. 100 feet.

And their branches contain

an acre of leaves. An acre.

You look into these woods

and you think they've always been there

and always will be,

like this old oak tree here.

And then you think about

the poor unsuspecting American Chestnut,

and think just in a lifetime... Poof. Gone.

Just like that.

What happened to it?

A fungus.

You know. Just, you know, time. Nature.

(MELLOW SONG PLAYING)

(KATZ SIGHING)

You know, Bryson,

I wasn't actually hiding this.

I wasn't lying about being dry either.

The thing is, Bryson, I love to drink.

Everything about it.

I love the taste.

And that buzz you get

after you've had a couple.

I love the smell of the tavern,

right down to the urinal cakes.

Hmm.

But instead of going into the taverns

like everybody else,

I go home to my little apartment,

and heat my TV dinner,

and feel all virtuous like I'm supposed to.

(SIGHS)

But you know, night after night

it's hard to persuade yourself

that you're living a rich

and thrilling existence.

I mean, if they had a fun-o-meter

the needle wouldn't exactly be jumping

into the orgasmic zone.

You know what I'm saying?

(SIGHS)

I mean, there's just this hole in my life

where drinking used to be.

(SIGHING HEAVILY)

I know I can't drink.

I mean, one drink will lead to 10.

And the next thing, I'll find myself

underneath a bridge somewhere.

That's why I carry this.

To remind myself that I can.

Or maybe I carry it in case I can't.

Here.

Open it.

It's sealed.

Give it to me.

(CHUCKLING) It's shaking.

(SNIFFING)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Do you think I have it in me

to never have another drink

for the rest of my life?

Yeah. I do.

(POURING)

(SIGHS)

That was a nice moment.

Real dramatic. (CHUCKLING)

Christ if I don't already regret it.

BRYSON:
Ain't that life.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

- Watch it.

- (STONES CLATTERING)

You know, Bryson, I still dream

about Amorina. You remember her?

BRYSON:
Oh, God, can't forget

a girl like that.

You know guys like us aren't supposed

to meet women named Amorina.

Disturbs the natural order.

Still the best b*obs I've ever seen,

and I've seen a lot of b*obs, Bryson.

BRYSON:
Yeah, I'll bet.

Hey, you remember her sister?

Oh, God, that poor girl.

They couldn't have been sisters.

If you're going to be ugly,

you better be funny.

And if you're ugly and you're not funny,

you better have money.

And if you're zero for three,

you better be slutty.

(CHUCKLING)

- She was.

- Wait a minute, how did you know that, huh?

Well, actually...

(SCREAMS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

KATZ:
Jesus Christ.

Next time you do that, let me know, okay?

It's more fun if it's a surprise.

- You all right?

- You okay?

Yeah.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Jesus.

Oh...

We are f***ed.

Monumentally.

There's no way out over here.

Uh...

- What are you doing?

- I'm gonna get us out of here.

- Give me your pants.

- Uh, no, no.

You've been planning this

the whole time, Bryson.

Just give me your pants, okay?

Okay.

(GRUNTING)

Okay. Knot this thing.

- KATZ:
All right?

- Okay.

Here we go.

It is embarrassing, Bryson.

Give me that thing.

(YELLS)

You gotta admit,

pretty good aim, though, huh?

Yeah. But you're supposed to hold on

to one end of it.

Well, you know, it's not that high.

Here, I got it. You see this?

You could come up here.

I'll be around like this

and you could climb up on my shoulders.

- Wanna try it?

- Okay.

Okay. Hang on.

(BRYSON GRUNTS)

- Okay?

- Yeah.

We can make it. Hold...

- You all right? What?

- Yeah, hang on. You know...

This isn't... You've got to get lower,

so I can get on your shoulders.

F***. Fine.

(BRYSON CLEARS THROAT)

(GRUNTS)

Okay.

- Okay?

- Yeah.

Okay. There we go.

Bryson, I really don't like this.

No, no, it's good, it's good.

Now, you stand up. Stand up.

(GRUNTS)

Jesus!

Who are we kidding?

For Christ's sake, I can't even

get myself up from that position.

- All right, then. I'll stand on your back.

- How about I stand on your back?

You know,

I think we're really stuck here.

Yeah. Yeah, we are.

BRYSON:
You know, on the East coast

hardwoods are dying.

Not just the chestnut,

but the elm's on its way, too, you know.

Fifty years, this could all be gone.

Thirty days.

Hmm?

Thirty days in jail.

I was afraid of 30 days.

(SIGHS) Compared to this,

I mean, it's like a goddamned trip

to the spa.

God, all I've done is write forewords

for books

for the last four and a half years.

I should have just retired.

Catherine was right,

what the hell am I trying to prove?

Women love a felony record.

Maybe not up in New Hampshire,

where you are.

But in Des Moines,

it would have served me well.

Do you just get to the point where

it's all about ailments,

and medications, and funerals,

and who's being diagnosed with what,

and everyone's just waiting around

for the end.

- Holy sh*t.

- What?

I just realized, we're

the guy in the article.

You know, the, uh, decomposed guy.

Remember that?

That'll be us.

How long does it take a body

to decompose?

Well, you don't have to worry.

You're so chock-full of preservatives,

you'll be on this ledge forever.

(CHUCKLING)

Well, scientists will come from

all over the world to study me, you know.

I miss Catherine.

I miss Des Moines.

You know, I haven't missed a State Fair

in 39 years.

I always say, "When I miss one",

"I'll be dead."

You know, she makes this little sound

whenever I hug her.

I don't even think she knows it.

I've never told her how much I love that.

I just don't want her to think this trip

had anything to do with her.

She knows.

Believe me, women have a way

of knowing these things.

Yeah, but still, I'd like to tell her.

Well, write her a note.

People love to get notes.

- Hey, you know, you're right.

- Yeah.

Hey, that's a great idea.

(PEN CLICKS)

You know, Bryson, you're the only guy

I'd risk my life with.

I want you to know that.

And the only a**hole who can get me out

on a ledge in the middle of nowhere.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry we lost touch.

I know. Yeah, me too.

Goddamned gorgeous night.

It sure is.

KATZ:
You think

there's anyone else on Earth

looking up at the sky and seeing

as many stars as we are?

I don't know.

I gotta be looking at a million.

The naked eye can see 2,000.

Well, then I really got great eyes

'cause I'm looking at a million.

Alpha Centauri's the closest.

That's four and a half light years away.

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