Abbott and Costello in the Foreign Legion

---

'Neath the merciless sun,

across the trackless desert,

march the men

of the Foreign Legion.

Unwanted men. The forsaken

of a hundred nations.

They came to the Legion

to forget.

Our story is about two men whom the

Foreign Legion would like to forget.

And they were unwanted...

even in Brooklyn.

But let us start at the beginning...

and the cause of it all:

these two wrestlers.

Hold it. Hold it.! Hold

everything. Keep that crowd quiet.!

Quiet. Quiet, quiet!

That'll keep you quiet.

Mr. Jones, this guy

ain't followin' the script.

He was supposed to stand still

and let me butt him.

Now listen, you. When the script

says you get butted, you get butted.

What a rehearsal.! No

emotion. No fire. No nothing.!

The best script I ever wrote,

and you guys smell it up.

Tell him. He's the one that

can't read. I don't have to read.

I'm the wrestling champion

in all North Africa.

Don't you guys realize...

that nobody's gonna pay good

money just to see wrestling.

You've gotta dramatize it.

You've gotta suffer.

You've gotta...

There you are.

Get that expression

of suffering. That's agony.!

Hold that expression, Lou. I want the

boys to study it. Hold it. Okay, Lou.

That's enough. Don't ham it up. Come on.

Come on, get out.

There. Come on, come on.

Come on.

Come on, come on!

I want you to show these guys

how to do their parts.

Uh, first of all,

you'll stand in for Abdullah.

Come on. Now we'll start

from the top of page five.

Uh, wait a minute.

Here we are.

Uh, now. "Bert charges in

with a dropkick.

"Abdullah goes down.

But is he hurt? No.

He looks up at Bert

and sneers with contempt. "

Now wait a minute!

Now watch carefully. Go ahead.

No, no, no, no, no,

Lou, come on.

Don't take so long

to fall down!

I want Abdullah

to get the proper timing.

Come on, come on, come on.

I'm awfully sorry it took me

so long to fall down.

All right, all right. Now,

you're Bert. You're Bert.

Abdullah, retaliate!

Lou, will you

fall faster?

You're slowing up the

whole action of this script.

And I'm not a bit happy about

that fall. That makes two of us.

Do you want me to do it again,

Mr. Jones? No, certainly not.

I don't want you to get hurt.

Uh, look, take the next move.

And really pour it on

this time. Go ahead.

No. No, no, no!

Abdullah!

Can't you bounce him a little harder?

We're not getting the right sound effect.

That's it.

Now you've got it.

Get the idea, Bert? Huh? You're

taking a terrific beating.

Abdullah's murdering ya,

but... you can take it.

Thanks.

I always do my best.

I'm not wearing you out, am I? No.

Uh, all right, Abdullah, that's enough.

I don't want you to tire yourself out.

Bert, take over.

That was fine, Bert.

Are you tired? Are you tired? No. No.

Whose turn is it? Mine. Mine.

All right, we'll toss for it. Heads.

It's tails. I win.

We'll do the Boston routine.

The Boston routine? The

Boston routine. Yeah.

The Boston routine.

Uhh!

Why...

Ahhh, now wait a minute!

Let's do the whirlwind finale.

That's the one.

Hey, Bud, get me off

this merry-go-round!

That's fine.

That's it!

That's just what I'm looking for.

What a touch. It's beautiful.

You! You,

the victorious hero.

And you,

beaten into surrender...

crawling away

like a whipped dog.

Abdullah's no whipped dog.

I'm a great champion.

I never lose.

But Abdullah, you won last week in

Boston. Tomorrow night it's Bert's turn.

You know, after all, he's

a big favorite in this town.

Abdullah's the greatest wrestler

in the world. I never lose.

I'll quit first and return to

my tribe. Now wait a minute.

Let's take it easy, brother. You know

you've got a signed contract with us.

And remember I borrowed five grand from the

syndicate to bring you here from Algiers.

I don't care.

Abdullah says good-bye.

But what about the five grand? Say good-bye

to that too. I'm taking the first boat home.

Hey, stupid.

Come on, stupid.

Abdullah walked out on us.

We've gotta get him back.

We'll be in plenty of trouble if that

guy blows town. What guy blows town?

What did you say?

What guy blows town?

How can you talk with

your mouth shut? Well?

Abdullah blew.

Oh.

Well, what have you

got to say, Jonesy?

Well, uh, if you're talking

about the five grand, boss,

don't worry about that.

I'll get it back to you.

Five grand's small change.

The setup we got for Abdullah

is worth 100 grand.

You wouldn't want us to lose

that kind of dough,

would you, Jonesy?

Oh, I...

I...

Uh, uh, don't, don't give it

a second thought, Frankie.

We'll get Abdullah back if we have to chase

him around the four corners of the globe.

Don't worry about a thing.

Come on, Lou.

Come on.

Excuse me, Bud, do you mind if

I ask you a question? Go ahead.

Just what are we doing here?

We're looking for Abdullah.

We are? Sure. He bought

a ticket for Algiers.

Uh, neighbor, do you know

Abdullah the wrestler?

The wrestler,

Abdullah? The...

Lou, show him a picture.

Here.

This is the way he looks

undressed. That's it.

And here's the way

he looks dressed.

He wears the headdress

of the Al-Minya tribe.

Oh, so you know him? Oh,

no, no, no. I-I know nothing.

I want no trouble.

Now go away. Go away, go away!

Oh, he is ugly!

Oh, I wish we could find someone around

here to give us a sensible answer.

So do I.

Ye...

She's beautiful.

Hey, Bud!

I'll get some sense out of

this here one. I'll ask her.

I...

Ay-yai-yai-yai-yai.

Bud, come here. Come

here. What's the matter?

You talk to this lady. Maybe

she can answer... Okay. Oh, sure!

I... This is mine! This is the one I...

Uh, you...

Yeah... Oh!

Uh, do you happen to know

Abdullah the wrestler?

"Wrest-lur?"

Wrestler.

These wrestlers are very strong, and

they-they-they try to get a, a hold on you.

And they put their, um... They-They...

Sometimes they, they-they...

They sort of pick it up and-and...

on the head. Do you get it?

And sometimes... And then, then

again they give you a headlock like...

They, they...

They, they...

Y-You don't know

how to wrestle?

Can I show you? You-You

see, I'm your opponent.

And then, then you take one arm

and put it around your opponent.

And you take the other arm and

put it around your opponent.

And then sometimes your opponent

wants to give you a bear hug, and he...

He... He...

He... Mmm.

Lou.!

Hmm?

What's the idea?

I wasn't kissing anybody.

What is this? What is

what? Oh, how did that...

What are you trying to

do, get us killed? Oh, no.

In this country men don't get familiar

with women. Well, don't they kiss 'em?

No! No, they don't. And don't

they go out with 'em? Don't they...

No, no, no. No!

They don't?

Boy, is that woman in the wrong country.

I...

Oh, will you st... There's

a hotel. Let's check in.

Okay.

Will you get out of my way? Now you

stay outside and watch for Abdullah.

Abdullah? I'll do it. Abdullah!

Now you sit down there and

keep your eyes open. Oh, yeah.

Uh, just a minute. Here's

a tip for carrying the bags.

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