Abner, the Invisible Dog Page #2

and infiltration.

The formulas are

multilinguistic intelligence

and concealment enhancers.

What's that in English?

That's all I can tell you.

Value on

the international market?

Priceless.

Have your team here

come up with anything?

No. We've run trace DNA,

fingerprints,

voice recognition.

We got zip.

Can anyone from Washington

be sent down to help us?

The operation's confined

to this team.

Outside of Washington,

we're the only ones

who knows these chemicals

even exist,

and they want us

to keep it that way.

It's a little late for that.

So where do we go from here?

Try to pick up the trail.

Looks like the gang's all here.

We're up against a gang?

Just watch the house.

Hi, honey.

Sorry I'm late.

Work was crazy.

No worries.

Timing is everything.

That sounds good.

My mother always told me

to marry a man who could cook.

I don't know if this actually

qualifies as cooking,

but it is hot,

and there's a lot of it.

So where's our birthday boy?

I don't know. I think he's, uh,

he's around here someplace.

Right on cue.

Hi, Mom.

Happy Birthday!

- How's your day been?

- Better now.

Good. If you've been

playing with that dog,

you better wash your hands

for dinner.

All right, Mom.

Where your Aunt Ida?

Oh, she's in the den,

watching TV.

Judge Joanie?

MMA.

Oh, dear.

I'll go get her.

Do you need any help?

No. I got it all covered.

Hands, young man.

Ed, I have always admired that

lovely rubber tree plant.

Thank you.

It's a ficus tree, Aunt Ida.

Well, of course it is.

Even the dog knows that.

Oh! It has

such a lovely smell.

Kinda like a rainforest.

It's an artificial tree.

Uh, those are my favorite,

Karen.

Sharon. My name is Sharon.

Hey, what'd I tell you

about feeding Abner scraps

from the table?

Oh, let Abner eat.

It's his birthday,

for heaven's sake.

Abner's the dog, Aunt Ida.

Oh, well, you better not let him

near that rubber tree plant.

Ficus!

Gesundheit!

It's time to reconnoiter.

Re-con-what, sir?

We're gonna take a look-see.

Look-see? I don't, uh...

- Just follow me.

- Right.

Hmm.

Well, you certainly have

some lovely neighbors.

Oh, have you seen 'em?

I have now.

You're growing up

so fast, Chad.

I'm a teenager now.

Oh, don't say that!

You are still my baby!

Mom, you're embarrassing me.

Oh, I don't care.

Happy Birthday, Chad!

Well, have you

thought of a wish?

Not yet.

Give me a second.

I have something special

I want to give you

for your birthday, Chad.

Chad?

Chad!

- Oh.

- The candles?

Oh, right.

Happy Birthday, son.

Happy Birthday.

Thanks, Mom.

What's this?

Oh, boy!

Socks?

And new pajamas.

Oh, wow. I mean, great.

When you're older, you'll

appreciate having new clothes.

Dad doesn't.

Well, your father's

a special case,

but I haven't

given up hope on him.

Happy Birthday, Abner.

Uh, thanks.

Hey! I've been

looking for those!

Where'd you find 'em?

Why don't you open the one

that I got for you.

Gee, thanks, Dad.

Svengoolie's Mad Lab

Chemistry Set!

That's totally awesome!

I had to tackle a team of

gomers to get it for you.

I figured

you'd really like it.

A box of dangerous chemicals.

Really, Ned?

What are you thinking?

It's perfectly safe.

If anything, Chad's probably

too old for it.

No, I'm not.

This is awesome!

Can I check it out now?

Sure! I mean...

Sure...

if your mother says

that it's okay.

All right!

We can save

your cake for later.

Gee, thanks, Mom.

Come on, Abner!

A chemistry set?

How do you know he's not

gonna burn the house down?

Oh, it's perfectly fine.

I had one when I was a kid,

right, Aunt Ida?

That's right, George.

And I'm sure

that turned out swell.

Come on, come on.

Come on, boy.

I snuck one more snack

for you.

Whoa. Look at all

this stuff, Abner.

Sulfur.

I bet that's for making

stink bombs.

Wonder what this is.

"C-H-3-C-O-2-H."

Vinegar.

"Q-96."

"P-67."

Never heard of 'em.

What do you think?

We need some instructions.

Oh, here we go.

This isn't helping.

Half of it's in Chinese,

and half of it's in English.

It's all messed up.

I-I mean, I guess

it couldn't hurt.

Okay, Abner, not now.

It's hard enough

reading this

without you breathing

down my neck.

It says it's supposed

to taste like cotton candy.

Well, it's starting to smell

pretty good.

Not exactly

cotton candy, but...

All right, here, smell it.

Whoa! Abner!

You're just supposed

to sniff it.

What's going on in there?

Why don't I get to see?

Because I'm the brains,

and you're the bruin.

Ohh!

Chad, do you want

to cut your cake now?

Uh, that's okay, Mom.

Can I do it later?

I'm kind of busy.

Okay. Just don't blow us all

to smithereens.

Give me a break.

Mom, they wouldn't really

put anything dangerous

in a kid's

chemistry set, right?

Don't be too sure.

Oh. Don't forget.

We're driving your Aunt Ida back

to Fetal Acres in the morning.

Do I have to go?

Yes. We all have to go.

All right, Mom.

Boy, Abner, I sure hope

that was safe to drink.

I mean, it's got to be, right?

I wonder what it says

in the manual.

Can't even make

heads or tails of this.

I can make tails of it.

And you're right.

It is Chinese.

Egg rolls and all.

And this so-called English

translation is very amateurish.

Wait. What?

I would guess Taiwanese.

Yes, definitely Taiwanese.

Abner, you're talking!

Oh, you're quick, kid.

Real quick!

I'm impressed.

Ah!

What? What?

Will you get out of the way?

Aah!

There's no way

this could be happening.

You don't just whip up

a cotton candy formula

out of a dime store

chemistry set

and your dog starts talking.

Obviously. There's a lot more

to this than meets the eye.

Chad, I mean, you're not exactly

a rocket scientist, are you?

- I mean, no offense.

- None taken.

Wait a minute.

See, I hit my head today

when a bully pushed me.

You're not a talking dog.

You're just a whacked-out

hallucination.

Whacked-out? I think

I've just been insulted.

Abner, you are not

a talking dog.

Have it your way.

Mom! Dad!

What's wrong, son?

Poison gas.

I smell poison gas.

Ned, it's that chemistry set.

No! It's Abner.

I smell cotton candy

and vinegar.

My baby.

Are you all right?

Speak to me.

You're crushing me, Mom.

I'm fine.

It's Abner. He...

Oh, son.

It is not uncommon for a dog

to let loose a little gas

every now and then.

That, my friend,

is exactly why we do not

feed him people food

from the table.

That is wicked.

No, it's not gas.

I created this formula,

and Abner drank it,

and now he can talk.

Mmm.

- Abner can talk.

- Oh.

Well, trust me, honey,

the only talking that Abner's

doing is out of his butt.

He can read Chinese, too.

Show him, boy.

Actions speak louder

than words.

No, but he does talk.

Abner, please, just speak.

Speak!

All right, very funny,

young man.

No. Maybe he's just

a little shy.

I've had about enough of this!

One more sound

out of either of you,

and you're grounded.

But, Mom!

Chad, I'm surprised at you, son.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes