About A Boy Page #2

I couldn't figure it out. Nobody was dead.

She had a job as a music therapist,

which is kind of a teacher for sick kids.

So there was enough money

for food and everything.

Should I get my own breakfast?

No, I'm doing it.

So, you looking forward to school today?

Today, you'll need to effect...

...the decimal point when you multiply it by 10...

...100 and 1000.

"Nothing to do but frown

"Rainy days and Mondays always get me down"

Thank you very much, Marcus.

Hi, Nicky. Hi, Mark.

- Are you going to Computer Club later?

- I don't know. Marcus...

Madonna! Go on, give us a song!

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Spice Girls or something. Three of them.

Yeah. Hey, Spice Girls.

You made me lose my football.

Marcus, we don't really want you

hanging around with us anymore.

- Why not?

- Well, it's because of them.

- They've got nothing to do with me.

- Yes, they do.

We never had trouble with them

before we started hanging out with you.

Now we get it every single day.

Besides, everyone thinks you're weird.

Only a bit, though.

Okay.

'Bye.

There you have it.

I was having a sh*t time at home

and a sh*t time at school.

It was fine deciding

single mums were the future...

...but the frustrating truth was

I didn't have their numbers.

- Hi, Dad.

- Hey.

Where did they hang out?

I'm a single father,

I have a 2-year-old boy.

I'm a single father, I have a 2-year-old boy.

SPAT.

This was exciting.

A potential gold mine of single mums.

I could see the beautiful creatures now,

getting roaring drunk...

...forgetting their troubles,

ready to rock and roll.

That was when

I was 7 months pregnant.

By the time I had the baby,

he was in Majorca with another woman.

Not even the one

he cheated on me with the first time.

Well, with me, it was the week before the birth.

He said I'd got too fat.

Mine was shagging his secretary.

Such a cliche.

I'll tell you one thing: Men are bastards.

After about 10 minutes...

...I wanted to cut my own penis off

with a kitchen knife.

Me.

Yes.

I have a 2-year-old. Ned.

He's got blue eyes

and sort of sandy-colored hair...

...and he's about 2'3".

And his mum left.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I mean,

obviously it was a very big shock...

...because we were so happy, you know?

Sandra's neurology practice

was just up and running...

...and then one day her bags were packed,

and my best friend was waiting outside...

...in his Ferrari.

Yeah. You know, the Modena?

The one with the supercharged engine,

where you can see it through the back window?

- You got dumped then?

- Yeah.

May I ask, does your ex see Ned at all?

Sorry, I didn't catch your name.

Suzie.

Suzie.

She doesn't see much of him, no.

How does he cope with that?

He's a very good little boy.

Very, very brave.

They've got amazing resources, don't they?

Just the other day I was thinking about my ex.

He came crawling up, put his little pudgy arms

around my neck, and he said:

"You hang in there, Dad. "

God, that's amazing for a 2-year-old!

Is it?

Yeah, he's very special. Very, very special.

Sometimes I think, you know,

he's the one taking care of me.

Teaching me the ways of the world.

Sorry.

Thank you.

My God, what a performancel

I was even fooling myself.

There you go. You okay?

Yeah. Perfect, thanks.

- Trust me?

- Of course.

By the end of the evening,

I had a date lined up.

Single parents alone together!

Single parents alone togetherl

All for one and one for alll

The problem was I also had

an imaginary 2-year-old son.

The date was a SPAT picnic in Regent's Park,

with everyone bringing their kids.

Sadly, Ned couldn't be there.

His mum had come

and picked him up at the last second.

- What a shame.

- Yeah.

I'm sorry.

- Got it.

- This is Megan, by the way.

Hello, Megan.

Yeah.

A friend of mine from SPA isn't feeling so great...

...so I said that we'd take her kid

to the picnic, too.

- Is that all right?

- Yeah.

The more the merrier. Right.

Come on, slowcoach!

I hated that SPATlot.

Mum's friend Suzie was fine, but now there

was that wally who wanted to get off with her.

Marcus, Will. Will, Marcus.

Hi there.

Right.

Pile in, everyone.

Look what a mess Ned made of the car seat.

What a shame he can't come.

So, what do you do?

Me?

There were too many lies

to keep track of so I told the truth.

- Nothing.

- Well, before then.

- What do you mean, before I did nothing?

- Yeah.

I did nothing.

You've never worked?

I've done the odd day here and there, but, no.

Crazy, isn't it?

It's...

Brilliant.

My God, I was going to have to tell her.

What happened, in fact,

was that my dad wrote a song...

...in 1958, and it's quite a famous song...

...and I basically live off the royalties of that.

You know Michael Jackson?

He makes a 1,000,000 a minute.

That's 60,000,000 an hour.

I don't make a1,000,000 a minute.

- Nothing like, sadly.

- How much then?

Marcus!

I was beginning to wonder

if we'd be stuck with this weird kid all day.

So, what's this song then?

If you can live off it, we must've heard of it.

It's Santa's Super Sleigh.

God, please don't sing it.

"Look who's coming round the bend

It's Santa and his reindeer friends

"With a ho, ho, ho and a hey, hey, hey,

It's Santa's super sleigh"

I expect people do that all the time.

No, I think you two are the first.

Sorry. I don't understand.

How does that make you money?

Do carol singers have to pay you 10 percent?

They should, but you can't

always catch the little bastards.

So, how often do you look after him?

Marcus.

Every once in a while.

His mum's a little off-color sometimes.

You call it off-color, I call it nuts.

She's not nuts, Marcus.

She just needs a weekend taking it easy.

We'll have a nice picnic, and when

you get home, she'll be all rested up.

My God! What the hell is that?

My mum's homemade bread.

It looks pretty good.

No, it isn't. It's healthy.

You miss him, don't you?

Who?

Ned!

Yeah.

Yeah, very much.

He'd have loved this.

I think I killed a duck.

I was only trying to feed it.

What's that floating

in the water next to it?

Is that your mum's bread?

You didn't have to throw the whole loaf.

That would've killed me.

You the one who was throwing

bloody great loaves at the ducks?

Yeah, he was, but I've stopped him now.

You know, boys will be boys, and all that.

So he killed it.

No. Sorry, I misunderstood you.

The duck was dead already.

He was throwing bread

to try and sink the body...

...because Megan here was getting upset.

Marcus wouldn't kill a duck.

Would you, Marcus?

No. I love ducks. They're my

second favorite animal after dolphins.

They can kill sharks with their noses.

I'll have to wade in and get it.

Listen, I hope it's not some sort of epidemic.

I think we beat the rap there, mate.

Yeah. Well.

Marcus?

Mum.

That day, the Dead Duck Day,

was when it all began.

That bloke Will just followed us in

and I didn't tell him not to.

Afterwards, I realized that there was no way

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