About Last Night

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So, tell me.

Tell you what?

About last night.

So, I go to that new spot

on Sixth and Main, right?

Right.

- Nice atmosphere, beautiful women, Danny.

- Sh*t.

Why are you saying "sh*t"?

I asked you to come.

I see this chick, cute girl, tight.

- Model tight?

- No. No, no, no, no.

I'm not f***ing with them

anorexic girls no more, dude.

It's like f***ing a 10-speed

bike with daddy issues.

True.

This girl, she's put together, man, I mean,

nice titties, nice ass, whole package.

But, I think I kind of know her.

Hey, my name is Bernie.

Good for you.

You know Angela.

- Yeah, I know Ang, too.

- Right, Bernie.

Yeah.

Yeah, you used to date Angela.

Date?

No, I was f***ing the sh*t out

of Angela, that's what that was.

You got those edges nappy, huh?

So, at this point, I'm intrigued.

Nothing makes a guy sexier than if

he screwed over a chick you hate.

- It's like revenge by association.

- Exactly.

So, this Bernie's got a pair. It's

ladies' night, I'm down, we get drunk.

- You buy?

- Of course, I buy. What am I, a dick?

She gets drunk, I get drunk,

we go back to my place, right?

Listen to me, Danny,

this chick was insane.

But he gets too drunk.

See, you always let

them drink too much.

No. It is not my fault he got...

Whisky-dick? Shame on you.

Dude, I had to keep up with her

drinking or else I look like a p*ssy.

It's not my fault my friend

downstairs couldn't keep it together.

You got two ways to

look at whisky-dick.

The con is that your dick is

functionally dysfunctional.

The pro is that your dick gets extra special

attention for his extra special needs.

How much extra special attention

did she have to give you?

It was heaven. She was down

there at least 20 minutes.

Any longer than that and

you might as well charge.

So, I'm pulling out all the stops.

I'm talking dirty, I do handwork...

I put on a goddamn slow jam.

I mean, I am impressing myself.

I am like an EMT crew

reviving a car crash victim.

Do you know what I mean? I'm like a

hairdryer, I am blowing so hard.

But, I must admit, it was

well worth the wait.

Really?

Impressive, but not threatening.

It's like the John

Legend of penises.

- That is impressive.

- Very.

So I'm down there and it is the...

Best head this year.

What?

Thorough, paid attention to detail,

took pride in her work, Danny.

Did she do your taxes as well?

Snarky, but I'll allow it.

Only reason why is because

you been crying in your beer

since crazy Alison left

your ass over a year ago.

I'm taking my time.

You know what your problem is?

You're too damn good-looking, man.

What?

See, guys like me gotta work a

lot harder than guys like you.

Guys like you don't appreciate the

wealth of asses at their disposal.

Best thing that could happen to your

face is an industrial accident.

- Whatever.

- I'm serious.

Dude, you need to go meet

you a nice-looking female,

take her back to your

place, turn her out!

Make her feel things.

You made Joan feel things?

I made her feel like good and

evil hung in the balance,

like we were at peace talks and her

orgasms were the end of genocide.

I saved the world

last night, Danny.

- We appreciate it, brother.

- You're welcome.

Then she was like...

And I'm like...

Stop. Stop, stop.

Yeah, I'm okay. Never mind,

never mind, keep going.

Stop. Stop, stop. Stop, stop.

Motherf***er, I said stop!

Are you deaf, Negro?

And I'm like,

"Well, b*tch, which is it?"

I got a charley horse.

Were your legs up around your...

Obviously, which is so annoying,

because I was just about to...

Come on.

I'm like, finish your yoga

so we can do it again.

- Right, but the headline there is "again."

- Yes.

We had to start all over.

So if it was bad sex, why are

we hanging out with this guy?

It wasn't bad, it was imperfect.

Isn't that the same thing?

Heads up, Little Miss Overachiever.

When it comes to sex, if you get it right

the first time, you got nowhere to go.

Come on.

- Wait, there he is.

- The other one's cute.

That must be his

"this isn't a date" friend.

Hey!

Come on.

- Hey.

- Hey.

What's going on?

All right, Well...

What do you think?

It's a nice place, right?

It's okay. It's a bar.

Hey, I mean, if it's a bar, that means

we supposed to be getting drunk.

As a matter of fact, this next

round is on you two ladies.

Charming. This is my

roommate, Debbie Sullivan.

How you doing? Bernie Litko.

- Good to meet you.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.

This is my guy, this is Danny

Martin. He works with me.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

Hi, Danny.

Sh*t. I'm sorry,

Joan, this is Danny.

This is who I was just

telling you about.

Yeah, I heard a lot about you.

So, what do you guys do?

Restaurant supply.

- Exactly.

- Wow.

That sounds like you guys are

either waiters or in the Mafia.

All right, sweetie, I'm gonna need you to

take these unsolicited attacks down a notch.

Save the crazy for later,

when I got use for that sh*t.

Okay.

Damn! Now, wait a minute.

Let me help you.

You see this sh*t?

- Got me one.

- Okay.

Thank you.

Okay. I'm gonna take it.

I want it! I want it!

- We gotta take another shot.

- It's here!

Hey, come on. You sure you

don't want another round?

- I'm fine, I got my drink.

- Come on, shots.

- She never goes out unless I drag her.

- That's not true.

It is true, baby. She only sleeps

with guys at her advertising firm.

- What?

- It's so sad.

- She has to get it in at work.

- Also not true.

You're not by yourself. Let me tell

you something. He just as sad.

Yawn-fest over here,

he ain't been out

since his ex-girlfriend Alison

broke up with him over a year ago.

Easy.

That's because he felt emasculated.

I mean, she left him.

That happens a lot,

don't be embarrassed.

Baby, he should hook up with Debbie,

so they could be boring together!

- Y'all should hook up and do this.

- He should hook up with Deb.

Oh, yeah. I wanna do that.

- You wanna do that?

- I wanna do that.

Let me tell you something,

we will never be boring.

Me and you will never be boring.

Public place. Get a room!

That's what I mean. Boring!

- I'm about to boo you.

- It's okay, fine.

Baby, I'm gonna go to

that place where you pee.

- Want me to go with you?

- No, I'm fine, I'm fine!

I'm about to go to that

place where she pees, too.

All right.

Here I go.

Sh*t, yeah, I am.

Hey, hey. I'm sorry I said

that sh*t about Alison.

- Just go.

- I shouldn't have said that.

- Please.

- I'm gonna beat this p*ssy up.

Go, please!

Wow.

I'm not really boring.

Yeah, me neither.

I just pretend to be, so that

she can be the crazy one.

This may be the worst date I've ever

been on, and it's not even my date.

I've definitely had worse.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- That's why I don't go out much.

- It's not worth it, right?

Why even try something when 95%

of the time it's just an epic failure?

Because that other 5% can

be pretty mind-blowing.

Turn around! Put your hand up here.

I don't feel like a lady!

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