Absolutely Anything
Thirty seconds and counting.
Power transfer is complete.
We're on internal power
with the launch vehicle at this time.
T minus 20 seconds and counting.
All the second-stage tanks now pressurised.
T minus 15 seconds. Guidance is internal.
Twelve, eleven, ten, 9...
Ignition sequence starts.
Six, five, four, three, two, one,
zero. All engines running.
Lift off! We have a lift off.
And so in 1972,
the Atlas Centaur rocket
blasted off from our planet,
a four-stage rocket that launched a probe
way out into the blackness of space.
The probe would use the energy from the sun
and the gravitational pull
of our neighbouring planets
to cross our solar system.
That momentum would then carry it on
into the farthest reaches of the universe.
The mission, to find intelligent life
similar to ours
out there in deep space.
The probe carried a tablet
which had inscribed on it
the image of us humans, a man and a woman,
and a map to locate us in the universe.
Stage four disconnects and our probe
is fired on its long journey.
The world wished it bon voyage
and may it find a friend out there
in deep space.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey! Thank you very much. Thank you.
Thank you, nice to see you.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.
When I interviewed Neil Clarke
for The Book Programme,
I knew he was extraordinary.
Now, with the publication of his brilliant novel,
reviewers agree he's joined the ranks
of Britain's immortals.
Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Clarke.
Um, so I suppose I wanted to start off
by asking you
how did you manage such amazing
insight into the soul of modern man
and how do you know
what men and women really want,
just really the whole relationship
between humanity and the cosmos?
Yeah, well, I think I probably achieved that
by looking into my own soul, Catherine.
Um, I studied its flaws,
its potential, its urgent needs.
I listened to its cries for help...
...and its yelps of anguish and, um, I...
I spent five long years
in a book which I hoped would throw open
the doors of human perception
and allow us to be engulfed
in a sense of our own futility.
Sorry about this, it's...
Get off! Down!
Ah!
Oh, God.
Go watch TV.
Your dog is barking.
My dog was barking
because you rang the doorbell.
I rang the doorbell
because your dog was barking.
Your lease says no pets.
Well, he is a guide dog.
You're not blind.
I prefer the term "optically challenged".
You're not optically challenged, either.
Fiona, you live, like, three floors up.
I mean, I don't...
If you don't control your bloody dog,
I am going to get it sent
to Battersea Dogs Home. Right?
- Hmm?
- All right.
Come on, Dennis,
let's go and evacuate your bowels.
Come on, Dennis.
Come on.
- Hi, Neil.
- Hi, Catherine.
Hey, it's funny, I was just dreaming about you.
Really?
Yeah, you were presenting me
with an award for my novel.
Oh, did you deserve it?
Well, I was proud but humble.
Have you finished it, actually, in real life?
Absolutely, almost, yeah.
Cos last spring you were on chapter...
Yeah, I've renumbered them.
In fact, I've removed them.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I find the whole concept of chapters
just gets in the way so...
Yeah. Yeah, no, I can see that.
I want reading it to be like being
sucked into a giant vortex, you know.
- Like going on Facebook.
- Like Facebook, yeah.
That's a good one.
"Like being sucked into a giant vortex."
Dennis, why do you let me
say things like this, hey?
Come on.
Hmm. Mmm?
Ah.
- Come on, Ray. It's only 20 quid.
- No, I can't, Neil.
- Yeah, but it can't lose.
- No.
Look, I guarantee you
a 50% return on your money
before the end of classes today.
So when do you make your move on
Miss Booker Prize downstairs, then?
Oh, I don't. Turns out she's a bit
literal-minded, no foresight.
Whereas me,
I can see for miles into the future.
A man needs a woman, Neil.
- I've got Dennis.
- Dennis is male.
And he's a dog, in case you hadn't noticed.
Yeah, well, I don't want to complicate my life.
This is a tenner!
Walk!
Accessing representative images
of earthlings.
Communication will be carried on
in the language of the species to be judged.
I'm sorry, I'm not understanding.
Ah.
- Is that better, Kylie?
- Understanding you now, Sharon.
By the power invested in me by
the Intergalactic Council of Superior Species,
I hereby pronounce
a destruction order on the planet Earth.
With great respect, Sharon,
we should not pronounce a destruction order
before we've given these earthlings
They've penetrated
intergalactic space.
Maureen is right.
They're clearly not a superior species.
Look at the way they copulate.
If these earthlings
can convince us that they are superior beings,
then they may join our society.
If they cannot, we must eliminate them,
for the moral well-being of the entire
Intergalactic Community.
Thank you for explaining it to me, Sharon.
Not at all, Miss Barker.
No, Grant, I don't want to talk to you.
No, I don't want to see you, either.
We had a great time last summer but it's over.
What part of over do you not understand?
Thank you for calling. Goodbye.
These questions of yours
make it sound as if I thought
this bloody author
can string two words together.
But he can. It's a wonderful book.
Darling, didn't you read the memo?
We're doing a demolition job.
But it's the best thing he's ever written.
Everyone says so.
That's why we have to pee on it
from a great height.
I want ten new questions, please, before noon.
Don't you know? She never reads the books.
She hates books.
Why is she presenting
a book programme, then?
I spy trouble. Just...
Look, Catherine, you may despise her ego,
but that's what people tune in to see.
Not books, not authors, God forbid,
but Fenella's rampant, pulsating,
sexually arousing ego.
No, I think people watch because
it's a book programme and they love books.
Books are finished.
Our job is to provide scandal, gossip
and character assassination,
with a thin veneer of literary respectability.
Oh, so we're not just selling out, then?
We've sold out?
Exactly.
For God's sake, smile.
It's enough to make you weep, isn't it?
What?
The price of pickles.
Don't even look at the marinated herring.
Honestly, you'd be suicidal.
I didn't want them, anyway.
Thanks.
Um, I also offer support and counselling
on dips, dried fruit and pasta sauces.
She's gone.
- The usual test, Sharon?
- The usual test, Kylie.
One earthling will be chosen randomly,
as defined by
the Intergalactic Manual of Good and Evil.
Page 56. paragraph B.
Uh, page 56, paragraph D.
Uh, right.
To prove that they understand
the difference between good and evil.
How will they prove it?
They will be given the power
that all superior beings have.
The earthling will be capable
of doing absolutely anything.
What if he uses his power for evil?
The Earth will be eliminated.
But if he uses it for good?
Translation
Translate and read this script in other languages:
Select another language:
- - Select -
- 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
- 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
- Español (Spanish)
- Esperanto (Esperanto)
- 日本語 (Japanese)
- Português (Portuguese)
- Deutsch (German)
- العربية (Arabic)
- Français (French)
- Русский (Russian)
- ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
- 한국어 (Korean)
- עברית (Hebrew)
- Gaeilge (Irish)
- Українська (Ukrainian)
- اردو (Urdu)
- Magyar (Hungarian)
- मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
- Indonesia (Indonesian)
- Italiano (Italian)
- தமிழ் (Tamil)
- Türkçe (Turkish)
- తెలుగు (Telugu)
- ภาษาไทย (Thai)
- Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
- Čeština (Czech)
- Polski (Polish)
- Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
- Românește (Romanian)
- Nederlands (Dutch)
- Ελληνικά (Greek)
- Latinum (Latin)
- Svenska (Swedish)
- Dansk (Danish)
- Suomi (Finnish)
- فارسی (Persian)
- ייִדיש (Yiddish)
- հայերեն (Armenian)
- Norsk (Norwegian)
- English (English)
Citation
Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
Style:MLAChicagoAPA
"Absolutely Anything" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 25 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/absolutely_anything_2172>.
Discuss this script with the community:
Report Comment
We're doing our best to make sure our content is useful, accurate and safe.
If by any chance you spot an inappropriate comment while navigating through our website please use this form to let us know, and we'll take care of it shortly.
Attachment
You need to be logged in to favorite.
Log In