Absolutely Anything Page #2

Then we welcome them

to the Intergalactic Community.

Are we ready, gentlemen?

Commencing random

selection of earthlings.

Processing...

Processing...

Earthling.

Jolly good!

Wait!

Selected.

The earthling has ten days to prove

he can use absolute power for good

rather than for evil.

God.

F*** you!

All they want me to do is help them

sneer at people who write wonderful books.

Well, my producer just wants me

to dig up dirt on Amenhotep Ill.

I keep telling them he had a kind nature

and lovely hands.

I would have loved to spend

an evening with Amenhotep Ill.

Yeah, except he's been dead

4,000 years, Rosie,

and he'd spend all day long

talking about embalming.

Well, find me a good one that's still breathing.

Tell me about it.

What about Grant?

Oh, well, Colonel Grant

turned out to have issues.

Jssues?

- Yeah, like being clinically insane.

Shame.

Maybe that's overstating it.

Uh, just obsessive, possessive

and pathologically jealous.

What about him upstairs?

Oh, he tried to cheer me up

in the supermarket.

Oh, so he's gay?

What?

Well, he's sympathetic, interested, available.

- That's the way life works.

- No, he's not gay.

He's...very likeable.

Mr Clarke.

Hi.

This is the twelfth time

you've been late this month, Mr Clarke.

Yeah, I got knocked off my bike.

Yesterday you had food poisoning.

Friday you thought it was Saturday.

Monday you forgot to put your clock forward.

Oh, everybody does that.

Week last Wednesday it seems you had

an appointment with the Dalai Lama.

Yeah, I showed you the picture.

That had Michael Jackson in it as well.

Well, he's a great man.

Great enough to appear in photographs

when he's dead.

You, Mr Clarke, are totally irresponsible,

you are idle and you are feckless.

Feckless?

Yes, you are without feck.

If I could replace you, I would.

Yeah, well, so would I.

I just don't have anybody to replace me with.

You a big skier?

Well, I've had my moments.

Hello, gorgeous.

How about cocktails for two this evening?

Go halves?

Drop dead, Ray.

All right. Think about it and get back to me.

Knob.

- Neil?

- Yeah.

If you could do anything, what would you do?

Hello, Neil, love.

Tinned mouse or fricassee of war victim?

I will have the roast headmaster,

please, Mrs B.

You are a one.

- There you go.

- Thank you.

Uh, I'll have the casserole, please, Mrs B.

You'll enjoy that, Mr Ray.

As long as you don't eat it.

No, I mean, if you could

make anything you want happen,

what would it be?

I would make Dennis regurgitate

my notes from chapter three.

If you could make

something impossible happen.

Intact.

What if you could make someone

worship the ground you walked on?

What, even if she thought

you were a little sh*t?

Come on, Ray.

That would be taking an unfair advantage

of an innocent girl.

OK, but suppose

there was one thing you could do

that would change your life for the better?

Oh, that's easy.

I would make alien spaceships destroy 10C.

That sounded like it was in the school.

Out of the way! Out of the way!

Stand back, stand back.

Stand back, stand back.

Now, just stay calm.

0h, my God!

Who was that?

It was the Salubrious Gat

of Galaxy G946 WOT.

Gat, what do you think you're doing?

Just practising, Sharon.

We haven't done the judicial review yet.

We may not want to destroy this species.

Who are you kidding?

445,349,722 new alien species encountered.

Number granted membership

of the Intergalactic Community

of Superior Beings?

Zero.

We have high standards.

You know you're going to wipe them out.

It all depends on the earthling.

And signs of a recovery

seem as far away as ever.

Hey-

Hello, Dennis.

Oh, Dennis. Couldn't you have waited?

We can now go live

to our reporter Brenda Emmanus

at the scene of the incident.

It was here

at Kinbrook Comprehensive School

that an explosion killed 38 pupils.

A police spokesman said they

could not rule out a terrorist attack

but say there were no connections with reports

of a UFO sighting in the area.

The head teacher, Mr Robert...

Oh, sure, Dennis, it was an alien spaceship.

What are you talking about?

If I could make

an alien spaceship destroy 10C,

then I wouldn't be farting around

with this, would I?

I'd just say,

"Dog mess, clean yourself up."

See?

It's just shock.

It's just post-hallucination shock. That's all it is.

I mean, it couldn't have been

an alien spaceship, Dennis, could it?

I mean, it just, I mean, it couldn't have.

Oh, my God.

That's my notes.

Ah, damn it!

Whisky, go back in the bottle.

See? You see? There's nothing. It's nothing.

There was nothing. It's nothing.

Whisky, go back in the bottle.

Oh, my God.

I have to wave my hand.

Whisky, exchange yourself

for another bottle, a single malt.

Hey, come back!

Door, open quick.

Not that quick.

I didn't mean go back to the shop

to get exchanged!

It's closed.

Oh, sh*t.

- Gotcha!

- Help me, Dennis!

- Priority.

- Help me!

Shh, Dennis, be quiet.

Oh, sh*t.

All right, laddie. You're nicked.

Me be at home having dinner with Dennis.

Oh, yuck! Chumzy!

You say one word about this, Constable,

you'll be on community relations.

Oh, my God. 10C!

Uh, let everyone who died be alive again.

Oh, God.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

No, I meant everybody in 10C be alive again!

Obviously. Not everyone who's died ever.

Are you crazy?

Sh*t. Sh*t.

And everybody who died in

the bomb blast that is alive again,

be completely uninjured.

Oh, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

Uh, OK, me feel better.

Oh, that's better.

Me have a really good idea

about what to do next.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Um, let the explosion never have happened.

No, I mean, if you could make

anything you wanted happen,

what would it be?

I'm sorry, what?

If you could do anything, what would you do?

That's very weird.

I think I just dreamt that I could.

What?

Do anything. I dreamt that I could just wave

my hand and say such-and-such

and it would happen.

So what did you do?

I made alien spaceships destroy 10C.

Good thinking.

I would make Dorothy Pringle

worship the ground I walked on.

You wouldn't be so cruel.

Hello and welcome to Book News,

the show where you get to know

what books are coming to you

and authors get what's coming to them.

What's the truth under publishers' blurbs?

Why do writers' photographs always

show them looking ten years younger?

You've come to the right place to find out.

Our first guest tonight is Mortimer Stanley,

whose latest novel is entitled

What You See With Your Eyes Open.

Mortimer, your last novel

was published nearly ten years ago.

t got what they call "mixed reviews"

and sold fewer than 3,000 copies.

What possessed you to write another one?

Well, my wife was dying.

You were estranged, weren't you?

Well, yes, but on her deathbed,

she urged me to write another book.

Knowing that she would never have to read it?

Well...

Fenella's complaining that you didn't tell her

about his shoplifting conviction.

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