Absolutely Anything Page #3

Well, he was 14, James.

It's got nothing to do with his book.

Well, neither has the show, Cath.

Listen, what upsets Fenella about you

is your integrity.

But me, I quite like it.

Play your cards right,

you could get your own office

with a bigger desk and a view.

Um...

Sorry. Excuse me one second.

Mind you, you've gotta play your cards right.

What the hell are you doing here?

- Don't I get a kiss?

- Please go away.

That wouldn't be fair to you, Cath.

This is a wonderful opportunity

for you to get to know the real me.

Well... I'm calling security.

No, not just the charming,

high-flying military strategist.

Hello, security?

Not the inventor of extreme rendition, either.

Yes, I've got an intruder in room 405.

Or the mastermind behind

warrantless domestic surveillance.

Just a humble officer who adores you.

OK, Grant, I appreciate that you like me...

Like? Like? What do you think,

I'm one of these cardboard cut-outs?

Like? No. No, no, no. Adulate. Worship.

OK, well, I don't adulate or worship you.

I don't even really like you.

So that's why I'm asking you

to just go away and leave me alone.

- So there's some hope?

- No, no, no. There's no hope.

Cath, I came all the way to England

to see you.

Doesn't that show you

how much I care about you?

No, it shows me that you're obsessed.

Obsession's not a quality that I admire.

Really?

I think the lady wants you to go, Colonel.

You work for the BBC, don't you?

I do.

You know who ultimately controls

the British Broadcasting Corporation?

A little guy that used to work

down the hall from me

at Fort Bragg, North Carolina.

And he did it in his spare time.

I'll catch you later, honey.

It was a party. I was doing a documentary.

I was drunk.

Judging me.

Oh, God.

Let 10C become a model class,

kind and considerate.

Oh, and eager to learn.

- Good afternoon, 10C.

- Good afternoon, Mr Clarke.

Um, could you all turn to page 73,

please, and read the entire chapter?

- What, the whole chapter?

- Yes.

- Oh, good.

- How exciting!

He's letting us read the whole chapter!

- Great.

- Well, you get on with it, then.

Let the headmaster

be nice to me for a change.

And what you did

with the guitar quite beggars belief.

That is not how Kumbaya goes.

Neil. So good to see you!

I love what you're wearing.

It really does, it's just a great ensemble.

So similar to what you were wearing before.

But your laissez-faire attitude

to work is a great counterpoint

to my by-the-book approach.

Great having you on the staff, Neil.

- Thank you.

- Right.

Yeah!

He must love you an awful lot

to fly across the Atlantic.

No, he just can't bear losing anything.

As far as Grant's concerned,

I'm just a piece of lost property

he wants to retrieve

and put back on his mantelpiece.

He was really scary. Crazy.

I had a boyfriend like that once.

The sort who wouldn't take no for an answer.

Did you? What happened?

I married him.

Mr Eriksson, you know the romance

languages, French, Italian...

Yes, Miss Pringle, I teach them.

Well, I was wondering

how they got their name?

- t's to do with Rome, ancient Rome.

- it's from the Latin.

So it's just a coincidence

that they sound so romantic?

Actually, I'm thinking

of switching to economics.

Oh.

He is...

Let Miss Pringle worship Ray.

Ray.

I can do abso-f***ing-lutely anything.

Yeah.

Me be President of the United States.

Hmm.

That's funny.

Me be President of the United States.

- Thank God we found you, sir.

- Sorry?

We've been looking for you everywhere.

0h, my God!

Help! Help! Guns! They're shooting!

Move, move, move! Move!

I am sorry about that, Mr President.

Now, here are the briefing papers

for Syria, the deficit,

Israel and the Middle East,

China, global warming,

unemployment and the Arctic Wildlife Reserve.

They're shooting!

Me be my old self at home!

I can do anything.

OK, but what do I really want?

Give me a really big dick.

Ouch!

Ouch, not that big, obviously!

Just... Dick, return to the old size.

Oh!

OK, um...

Let me have a penis that women find exciting.

Yeah, it's good, yeah. Can I have it in white?

Right, OK, um...

Let me have a really great body.

Wow.

No.

Um, no, look, no, look,

give me the body of a great man.

What the f***? Not Albert Einstein.

Let me have the great body of a man.

Me be able to see

Catherine from downstairs, now.

Sh*t.

Let me not be able to see her.

No, I don't mean me go blind.

Let me be able to see but floor be as it was.

Uh, Catherine from downstairs,

forget what just happened.

Move out of the way.

Thank you. Quiet, please. Quietly.

'Um. Ray?

"Hmm?

You know earlier on we were talking

about being able to do anything?

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, well, um...

This is going to sound kind of stupid

but suddenly I can.

- Can what?

- Do anything.

Just make things happen.

Things that shouldn't happen,

I just wave my hand and they do.

You feeling OK?

Yeah, um, just look.

You, tell us who you were.

You'll never believe this but I was a conjuror!

I went by the name of The Great Alfredo.

Real name was Reg Hoskins.

I did variety, clubs, private parties, the lot.

What is this?

3D projection or something, right?

Course, it's all gone now.

- I blame the wogs.

- Hey!

All that black minstrel stuff.

Once they started allowing that...

That's not me, that's what I'm saying. It's...

Jews took over the business.

it was never the same again.

Just go and jump out the window.

Right-o. Watch this.

What...

- How did you do that?

- I don't know.

I could swear it was the skeleton talking.

- Yeah, it was.

- OK.

Let me see you do another one.

Well, what? I can't think of anything.

Oh, come on.

You know, how about some flowers?

Bunch of flowers in my hand.

It's pathetic.

How about room be covered in flowers?

Come on, Ray.

Ray. Think of something more imaginative.

Bloody hell, Palmer.

Did you just throw this out the window?

Neil. Did you throw this out the window?

That's very funny.

What are you doing here?

Go on, get on home. I'll cover for you.

Oh, my God.

This is the best sandwich I've ever tasted.

Told you.

You know what? We could own a racehorse.

Ray, we could own

every racehorse in the world.

No sh*t.

- We win every time?

- They're all ours.

Let's forget about the horses.

We could have anything, Neil.

Wealth, fame. Women.

We could make any woman fall in love with us.

Neil, any woman we want.

Goodnight, Catherine. See you later.

Jump in, babe.

Kerb crawling is illegal in this country, Grant.

That doesn't really apply to people

with my security clearance.

Besides, how else are you going to get home?

On the Tube. Go away.

The London Underground is worse than

anything we ever did in Guantanamo.

- You don't deserve that.

- No, I don't deserve this, either.

- Please, leave me alone.

- OK, OK, I get it.

But you gotta let me down gently, huh?

What does that mean?

Well, there's somebody else, right?

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote