Absolutely Anything Page #4

No, Grant, that's not what this is about.

It's...

You and I are not compatible.

So, we could grab some coffee, sit and talk.

What would that even achieve?

There's nothing to talk about.

Except for the luxury apartment I rented for us.

It's got a view of St Paul's Cathedral.

Oh, my God. Go home, Grant.

- Here's the key.

- I don't want it.

And when I get you up there,

you're going to think you died

and went to heaven.

- F*** Grant.

- Oh, yeah, f*** Grant.

F*** Grant.

F*** James Cleverill.

F*** all TV producers.

Especially ones that say

you can sleep with them.

But if I play my cards right.

Why do I always end up

with the control freaks?

- Or gays.

- Yeah.

- Who?

- Him upstairs.

Oh, honey, he's not gay.

He's attractive. He's kind.

Well, then, f*** him.

- No, he's nice.

- No, I don't mean f*** him.

I mean f*** him.

- You mean f*** him?

- Yeah.

- What, right now?

- No, not now.

You've got to let me do your make-up first.

Malfunction.

Galactic power failure.

Bother, we'll have to suspend the test.

- What?

- This is on the blink, Sharon.

The earthling won't have galactic power

until I get it working again.

Botheration!

I thought our galactic powers

meant we could do anything?

Catherine from downstairs,

be madly in love with me.

That was quick.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Um, you're not gay, are you?

- No, no.

- Let's go to bed.

- OK.

Oh, sh*t!

Ow, my leg!

Got it.

Galactic power

now returning to earthling.

Weather, be like it is in Los Angeles.

I didn't mean be like it is in Los Angeles

right this moment.

It's the middle of the night, for crying out loud.

Weather, be like it usually is

in Los Angeles during the day.

So pedantic.

All right.

Clothes, get dressed on me.

And smarten yourselves up.

Better.

Miss Pringle, this really...

has to stop.

- Oh, Lord.

- Oh, Lord.

Yeah.

Ah. OK.

That was a very interesting... Ow! Ow!

Could you just stop that, please?

You, stop tapping.

Let's just have a break, shall we? Just...

Right, what's next?

Ooh.

This one's in German. Wow.

Let me be able to understand German.

What are you talking about, Dennis?

Look, just shut up, OK? I can handle this.

She's not going to ask me to marry her.

Or have my children, OK?

Dennis, what are you talking about?

That's a good idea, actually.

What are you talking about?

Dennis, be able to talk.

Biscuits.

- What?

- Biscuits.

Maybe if I make her fall in love with me

like a little bit, you know,

so she doesn't want to marry me

- but she would have sex on a regular...

- Biscuits.

- For crying out loud, they're in the cupboard.

- What are?

Biscuits. Red biscuits, black biscuits.

- Nothing else matters.

- Is that all you think about?

Yes, yes! Biscuits.

All right, Dennis,

become a rational, thinking creature.

Look, I just can't concentrate on anything

until I've had one of those biscuits.

I know it's crazy but that's how it is.

I guess I'm kind of hooked on them.

So please give me just one biscuit,

then I'll be able to think about something else.

That makes sense.

Oh, oh, oh! He's getting the biscuits!

He's getting them! This is it!

Yeah!

He's got them.

He's got them. He's going to throw one.

Get ready, get ready. Here it comes.

Ah! Mmm. Mmm.

God, it must be terrible being a dog.

I never realised you had so many cravings.

- t's no worse than you and that b*tch.

- What b*tch?

The b*tch you were shagging last night.

Oh, my God. She's not a b*tch, OK?

She's a lovely human female.

And we weren't just shagging.

Right. Come to think of it,

I wouldn't mind shagging your leg right now.

A little leg dance, huh?

Just above the sock.

- Ah...

- How about it? Come on, Daddy.

I thought I turned you into

a rational, thinking creature.

Rational, thinking creatures still have desires.

Oh, well,

we can soon deal with that.

No!

- No, no, don't take my desires away from me.

- Why not?

They're what makes my life worth living.

Biscuits, shagging.

I don't think I like your conversation.

But I worship you, master. I love you so much.

- I can't bear displeasing you.

- I... I know.

- My whole world collapses...

- I know. Yes. I love you.

...when you're cross with me.

Look, maybe it was better when you didn't talk.

Oh, no, don't take away my power of speech

now that I can think rationally.

That would be so cruel.

- I heard the bell. Somebody at the door.

- OK, no...

- The bell! Hey! The bell!

- No, no. Dennis. Dennis, good dog.

- Hello, the bell!

- Dennis... Dennis.

- Hey, hey, somebody.

- Just... Just quiet.

There it goes again.

Hey, hey, somebody at the door.

Oh, no, have I done something wrong again?

No, just... Just be quiet.

Do you understand me?

Yes. Yes, anything to stop you

being angry with me.

The bell! There it goes again!

He)', hey, hey, hey!

Dennis, listen. Just listen, listen, listen, listen.

Be quiet. That is an order.

Right. Quiet.

I like obeying orders, especially your orders.

Good. Well, then, shut the f*** up.

Right, right. Shut the f*** up. Yeah, right.

Good boy.

Oh, God, I made her do it.

I made her do it... I... OK.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Can I come in?

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course.

- So, look, um, about last night...

- Yes.

- Is this a bad time?

- No, no. No, no.

OK. Um, I just... I don't want you to think

that I, um, do that sort of thing all the time

because... Because I don't.

- Um... I was slightly drunk.

- Yeah, well, I mean, naturally.

Otherwise we probably wouldn't have

done the thing with the...

- No, no, no, that's not what I mean.

- ...beard trimmer.

I mean, I like you.

I, um, I've always really enjoyed talking to you.

I just... I probably wouldn't have jumped

on you like that if I hadn't...

- Been pissed as a newt?

- Well, sort of.

Yeah, OK. Well, then, let's just forget it.

ltnevenultneverhappened.

No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying, Neil.

Oh, well, um, what did you want, then?

Shag her, Neil!

That's Dennis.

- Dennis?

- Yeah. He is a plumber.

Um, I'm having a few problems

with my waterworks. My water pipes.

Shag her, Neil!

I'd better get him the shagger.

It's a special wrench that plumbers use.

I thought I told you to shut up.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, sorry.

You're supposed to be

a rational, thinking creature.

Sorry, sorry. Can't help myself. Sorry.

Oh, dear. I wanna shag your leg.

Shh. It's not a great time, to be honest.

Maybe later, if you behave.

Oh...

Oh... Couldn't... Couldn't find the shagger,

so he just went with the old decoupler.

I love you, Neil!

Shut up, Dennis!

It's odd, isn't it,

shouting at the plumber like that?

But, uh, the fact is he's my brother.

The plumber is my brother.

Say you love me, Neil.

And we're very close.

- God, Rosie was right.

- Rosie?

Please can I shag your leg?

Jesus, Neil, how could you? The next morning!

What? I...

- Why do I always end up with creeps?

- I'm not a creep!

There was a cat, Neil!

Neil! Hey, you, cat!

Stay out of my garden, go on!

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