Absolutely Anything Page #5

Neil, it's a ginger tom!

Dennis, be a dumb animal again

for five minutes.

So she thinks I'm gay.

I mean, so what, you know?

I mean, it means that she won't want to

marry me or have my kids.

Bingo. Problem solved.

Thank you, Dennis.

Catherine!

Catherine!

Um, me be on the bus.

Ah! I don't mean on the bus. I mean in the bus.

Not in the engine.

In the passenger accommodation!

Ow!

Hey!

Catherine!

Catherine!

Catherine!

Whoa.

- Ray.

- You've gotta stop Miss Pringle.

She's... She's set up shrines

all over the school.

There's even a website.

Look, you wanted her to worship you, OK?

- Not like this.

- Ray, I don't have time for this.

Wait, wait, wait.

You haven't lost the powers, have you?

- No, I haven't lost the powers. Ray.

- You have. You've lost the...

- I haven't lost the powers.

- Do the thing.

Ray, become a duck.

Ray. Ray, stop it. Ray, stop it. Ray, stop it.

Ray, become a sausage.

- I haven't lost the powers, Ray, OK? This is...

- Where is he, Neil?

Oh. That's his car.

Oh. Behold the car of Ray!

- Catherine, can we talk?

- No.

But I love you.

You also love Dennis, apparently.

- Did you take that off there?

- Uh, no, this is mine.

- You rs?

- Yeah.

Look, you've got it all wrong about Dennis.

I've nothing whatsoever against Dennis.

You love him, he loves you.

I'm happy for both of you.

Just don't bring me into it.

Yeah, no, but there's something I need

to tell you about Dennis.

You are going to have to pay for that

now that you've touched it.

- t's mine!

- No, it isn't.

Look, I heard what you

said to each other, Neil.

Yeah, look. There's something crucial

about Dennis you don't know.

- Hey!

- He's not a man.

I don't want to hear this, Neil.

I know, but I'm just saying, he's not a man.

OW! Ah! Hell's tits!

- You pervert!

- Ow!

You come in here and steal our stuff?

I told you, that's not your sausage.

- t is my sausage. Give it back.

- Get off. Be careful, be careful.

- Just let go!

- Oh, God!

- Give me 80p.

- Fine.

- I'll just get your change.

- No, it's... Never mind. It's...

Well, no, cos it's 4.20.

- Keep it.

- it's too much for a tip.

- Have it your way.

- I should think so, too. Jesus.

Feck. Sausage, become Ray.

Jesus, Neil. Have you any idea

how vulnerable a sausage feels?

There he is!

I'm off!

- Leave me alone, you nutters!

- Ray! Ray!

Here you go. You must have been hungry.

It's clear he has no idea of doing

any good whatsoever.

Why can't we just get on with the destruction?

Because there are rules, Maureen.

We must follow galactic procedure.

Rules didn't stop you

from eating the inhabitants of G4378, Janet!

They were delicious.

Very crunchy, as I recall...

- Surprise, surprise!

- Oh, my God!

- No!

- Wait. Wait, wait. Catherine!

You're crazy, do you know that?

Crazy in love, darlin'.

Get out of my flat, Grant.

Well, I can't because

you've locked the door now, babe.

Well, then, get out the way you got in.

Oh, honey, come on, now. That ain't nice!

Just get out, Grant.

I never want to see you again!

Get out of my life!

Get out!

Come on, now, open the door.

Sorry. Sorry about the noise.

At least it wasn't barking.

Feck off. Not you.

- Walk out the front door, OK?

- Honey!

Then sneak in the back.

Make your way up to my place. No moves.

- No, no, no funny business.

- Come on. Let the love shine through.

You can just stay out of his way

- and I will make you dinner.

- Love me!

- I hate doors!

- All right.

But invite Dennis. We'll behave like grown-ups.

- Catherine?

- OK.

- Catherine, come back.

- I'm leaving!

OK. I'm coming!

Hold on. Wait for me, now.

She's coming to dinner!

This episode looks at doggy fantasies.

Whoa. Hey! It was just about to start.

She's coming to dinner.

- Who?

- Catherine.

Oh, the b*tch.

Don't call her that, all right?

I don't want you chipping in, either, OK?

Just pretend to be a dumb animal again.

Me? A dumb animal?

(New Yeah, we, you know how to pretend,

mm you'?

It's just... It's called acting.

Oh, you mean like when I'm having

my tummy tickled?

- You love having your tummy tickled.

- No, I don't.

- What?

- it's a sham, Neil. All dogs do it.

- Why?

- Why do humans like tickling dogs' tummies?

Because they love

having their tummies tickled.

Uh-uh. Dogs pretend to like it because

they know human beings like doing it.

Well, just pretend to be

a perfectly ordinary dog, OK?

Can't l join in the conversation just a little bit?

- No.

- That is so cruel.

Somebody at the door! Hey! Hey! It's the bell!

It's the bell! It's the bell! It's the bell!

- I know it's the bell, Dennis.

- Right. No, no, sorry.

Just one more peep out of you, OK,

and the flea collar is going back on again.

Right, right, right. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Bark.

Woof.

Do it properly-

Yeah, good. OK, thank you.

Got it.

- Hi.

- Has he gone?

No, I don't think so.

- Ooh!

- Dennis, down.

You named him after the plumber,

then, did you?

Uh...

Ah. Do you want your tummy tickled?

Why do dogs like that so much?

I don't know.

So the producer promises to take me

out of the general office

and give me a big desk with a view,

but he won't.

He's just trying to get me into bed.

What did you want to tell me?

Uh, just try this first.

Mmm.

Oh, that's incredible.

That's the most wonderful thing

I've ever tasted in my life.

Mmm. I had no idea you were

such a fantastic cook.

I've... I've... It's unlike anything

I've ever tasted. What is it?

I just said, "Let the soup be the most amazing

thing Catherine has ever tasted,

"unlike anything she's tasted before."

- And it is.

- Really?

Really. I can make things happen. Anything.

That's what I was trying to tell you

this morning, you know?

I wasn't talking to a live-in

homosexual plumber.

I was talking to Dennis.

- The dog?

- Dennis the dog.

- Who answered you back?

- Yeah, because I made him talk.

- Oh.

- With my powers.

Special powers?

I mean, what, you... You want a bigger desk?

You got it.

You want a great view? You got it.

Um... Neil, how long have you had

these special powers?

Well, they came upon me very suddenly.

- Very suddenly?

- Yeah, I was knocked off my bike.

Just ask me to do something, anything.

- Just, you know...

- Listen, Neil, it's... It's OK.

You can get help with this.

Son of a b*tch!

Oh!

Sh*t, Grant!

I'm out of here!

- There's nobody else, huh?

- Who is this guy?

She didn't tell you? I'm her fianc.

- You're not my fianc, Grant.

- Oh, yeah?

And you werent just making out

with this apology of a man?

Stop this.

You know how long you'd last

on a battlefield, soldier?

I'm sorry, Neil.

- That long.

- I'm warning you.

- You're warning me?

- Yeah, I'm warning you.

Who is this guy?

- Why don't you suck on this, a**hole?

- Grant!

All I have to do is go like this and...

And say what?

- Where did you find this fruitcake?

- Put that away, Grant.

Uh, what can I say? Grant, become a fairy?

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote