Absolutely Anything Page #6

It's Grant, not......Grant.

- Stop it.

- And you're the goddamn fairy.

How about Grant go back

to where you came from?

- t's Grant.

- How about kiss my arse, Grant?

Neil, don't. He's crazy.

How about you say, "Please, Grant,

don't put a bullet through my brain?"

- Grant, stop it!

- I prefer, "Let all bullets bounce off me."

- Go on, shoot me.

- Oh, my God. You're both crazy.

- He doesn't dare.

- Neil, please, please.

Go on, pull the trigger.

What's the matter, "Grant"?

- Shut up.

- Go on, shoot me.

- Neil, he will.

- No, he won't.

- Yes, I will.

- No, you won't. Grant, drop the gun.

You little sh*t!

You're idiots, both of you.

I wouldn't do this if I were you.

"I wouldn't do this if I were you."

God, I hate the English.

Let Grant's arm break if he tries to throttle me.

Shut up. It's Grant!

Oh!

Help! Help! Help!

Who the heck was that?

Uh, that's Dennis.

Ow.

t's just a dog! English dick.

- Ow! Ow... Sh*t! Sh*t! What happened?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Do you want me to make it better?

- It hurts.

Grant's arm be better.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, what is this?

Grant be stuck on the ceiling.

Oh, sh*t!

Grant be plastered to the wall.

Wait, wait, wait. Let's talk about this.

Grant be buried head first in the plant pot.

What do you mean, potted plant?

Grant be standing in front of me.

Yeah. You wanna be nice to me, Grant, OK?

Maybe I can help you.

- You?

- I could make your life absolutely hell

or I could say,

"Grant be holding a million dollars."

on, yeah!

Or I could say, "A million dollars, disappear."

F***! Come on!

I can do anything.

All I have to do is wave my hand.

- You gotta wave your hand?

- That's right.

Isn't he great? I love you. I love you so much.

- Dennis, keep out of this.

- But you are great, Neil.

- You can do anything.

- Dennis, shut up. I'm not...

Master! Neil!

- Hi. Made your mind up yet?

- How about tonight?

Good girl. 8:
00, my place.

Yeah. I always pick the wrong guy, anyway.

Oh, and, uh, I got you a new desk.

Hey!

Well, it's about time. Now, listen up.

When I take that gag out of your mouth,

you're going to say exactly what's on that

piece of paper, you understand?

The moment you say a word that is not on

that piece of paper, I kill the dog.

Don't let him shoot me, Neil.

Understand? Nod if you understand.

OK. OK. I'm going to take the gag out now.

Remember, one wrong word

and the dog gets it.

OK, read. Item number one, let's go. Come on.

"Item number one.

All pasty white Englishmen...

"Pasty white Englishmen to get big ears

and webbed feet?"

- Now wave your hand.

- What?

Wave your hand!

on!

Yes! Yes! Oh, it's beautiful.

Neil! Neil!

Neil?

Neil?

Oh!

You don't worship me, do you?

What? Ray. You're Ray.

- I can't find Neil.

- isn't he here?

He wasn't at school, either.

Oh, I left him with my crazy,

gun-toting ex-boyfriend.

- Neil's got these powers.

- No, I know, I know.

Oh.

He got Miss Pringle to... To worship me

and now she's turned me into a religion.

- They think I'm immortal.

- So what?

They want me to prove it

by rising from the dead.

We've got to find Neil.

Wait.

Hey! Hey!

What are you doing?

No...

Got it.

- Where's your car?

- Why?

I know where they are.

It's just out here. We can... Sh*t!

Lord.

Oh, no. Run for it!

Get him! Lord!

Yeah!

This is working beautifully.

OK, keep going. Number three. Let's go.

OK. "Three. All British police

to have pink uniforms."

My personal favourite.

REY!

Lord! Come to us!

Ray! Ray!

What's this all about?

Take that off!

There he is!

Oh! Oh... Oh, it's beautiful.

I can't believe it. All right, next one.

Come on, read.

"Let all traffic lights be

permanently set on green."

Come on. That's just...

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey- Hey-

Huh? Do it, do it.

Wait. Now, listen.

All right.

Grant, are you in there?

Skip to the end. Hurry up. Just skip to the end!

Skip to the end. Just...

There. Come on, quick. Read it.

Uh, uh... OK, OK,

"ltem 417, Catherine West..."

- Come on.

- All right.

Let them go, Grant.

Why should I? Go on, Neil. Read the last item.

"Item 417, Catherine West be madly, deeply

in love with Colonel Grant Kotchev

"and leap on him like a tigress

begging for sex."

- You bastard.

- Now, come on, now.

Wave your hand. Come on.

- Neil, don't!

- Or the dog gets it!

Don't let him shoot me, Neil.

Come on, wave your goddamn hand!

But I don't want to love him, Neil.

I don't want to go anywhere near him.

I don't wanna die.

Yeah.

Grant, I love you.

Please, please, let's have sex now.

Oh, yeah.

Dennis, be free.

I'm free! I'm free!

Please.

Uh, uh,

- Grant become a corgi!

- What?

Oh, sh*t.

Do it. Do it, Grant.

Do it, do it!

Me be free.

Yes, yes! Master.

- Yeah.

- You chose to save me rather than that b*tch.

Yeah, don't call her that. Catherine be

her normal self and not in love with Grant.

Ugh!

And all Grant's wishes be cancelled.

- Ray!

- Oh, sh*t.

Oh, no. Get off me!

Neil, stop them!

Lord, show us how to conquer death!

Dorothy Pringle, think about Ray

the way that you used to.

- What the hell, Ray?

- It was nothing to do with me.

Get lost, you creep!

- Thank you.

- Everyone else, forget about Ray.

Thanks, Neil. Thanks a whole bunch.

Ray, could you take me home, please?

Sure.

I'm... I'm sorry...

Any thoughts?

- Pathetic!

- He has no concept of good or evil.

Well, the dogs seem all right.

Yes, yes, the dogs are all right.

It's the people I can't stand.

Oh, hey. Catherine, hi.

Hey, sorry about the other night.

it was... Can I cook you supper?

- Uh, no, thanks, Neil.

- I'm doing a whole suckling pig.

- No.

- Hey, what's the matter?

Is it because I made you

throw yourself at Grant?

No. Look, you did what you had to do.

it worked. Forgotten.

Well, what is it, then?

Do you know what it feels like

to be in someone else's power?

To have no will of your own?

Look, I thought that I made you love me.

- What?

- You know, with my powers.

0h, my God.

Did I really come home early tonight

because I wanted to or did you make me?

Have I always lived opposite you

or have you somehow rearranged things?

- I'm never going to know.

- Look, I love you.

How could any woman love a man

who could make her do whatever he wants,

any second, every day, forever?

Look, I'm sorry, Neil, I could never love you,

not in a million years.

Oh! Catherine...

Sharon, Sharon, terrible news!

This is indeed grave news.

It appears that the Salubrious Gat has been

interfering with our translation devices.

What's he done, Sharon?

I'm afraid, Janet, that we have been

calling ourselves

by foolish-sounding earthling names.

Female ones, at that.

It seems that Sharon is particularly favoured

among female earthlings from Australia.

The shame of it.

Sharon... I mean,

what should we be calling you?

Call me the Death-Dealing Darkness-Bringer.

Yes, oh, Death-Dealer.

Great waffles, master.

Who cares about waffles?

Catherine hates me. Ray hates me.

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