Absolutely Anything Page #7

Everybody hates me.

I don't hate you and I care about waffles.

I think I like them even more than biscuits,

even red biscuits.

You know what the worse thing is, Dennis?

This is all my fault.

Mmm-hmm?

You know, I was just thinking about myself,

what I could get.

- Hmm.

- And yet with these powers, you know,

I could have solved every

problem in the world.

- I could have made people happy.

- You couldn't make Catherine happy.

Yeah, because I wanted her to love me.

You know, I was being selfish.

I mean, take world hunger, you know? Uh...

Let everybody in the world have as much

food as they want.

I mean, take homelessness. Let everybody

in the world have somewhere to live.

No, no, no, live in their dream house.

And war, senseless war, over forever.

Let there be no reason for anyone

to make war on anyone any more.

Yay!

Oh, and reverse global warming.

Has it happened?

The latest nation to

succumb to the sudden mysterious

exponential growth in world food

supplies is China,

where the average weight

is now 300 pounds and rising.

Well, today a party of picnicking

schoolchildren brought down

a mile-long section of the Great Wall of China.

As homelessness

becomes a thing of the past,

the last undeveloped area

of the Sahara Desert

has become a gated community

known as Beau Geste Towers.

Property developers are now

converging on Antarctica.

- Well, I mean, at least I got rid of war.

- Whoa, that was a good one.

"Let there be no reason to make war..."

- "To make war on anyone any more."

- "...on anyone any more."

How could that go wrong?

For no reason at all,

New Zealand has declared war on Iceland.

Oh, wow. Oh, dear.

Barbados has declared war on Somalia.

And in a surprise move,

the tiny island of St Kitts and Nevis has

declared war on the entire rest of the world.

Our war correspondent says

he is unavailable for comment

because he's too busy covering

all the other wars which have just broken out

for no reason at all.

A short time ago, scientists were afraid

of constantly rising global temperatures.

- But none of them have any explanation...

- Oh, my God.

- ...for this sudden return...

- Global warming.

...not only to the last ice age but to a

snowball Earth of half a billion years ago.

On the other hand, plans to turn the Antarctic

into the Captain Scott gated community

- have been put on hold...

- Sh*t!

- Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

- Oh, it's not so easy trying to do good, is it?

Yeah, but this is just unfair.

Let everything go back to how it was

before I started trying to make

everything better for everybody.

Beautiful though the Earth looks

from space,

we all know how fragile it is, how much

damage human beings have done to it

and will, it seems, continue to do to it.

Absolute power doesn't corrupt.

It just drives you bloody mad.

- Tell Catherine I love her.

- Don't do it, master. I love you!

I've made arrangements for your biscuits.

You'll never have to worry about them again.

You're the kindest master.

Just shush, OK? I can't concentrate.

- Master, don't you love me?

- I can't stand it, Dennis.

I just... I can't stand the responsibility.

You need to get that into your stupid dog brain.

Neil!

I'll save you, master. Here I come!

Oh, wait a second. I can't swim.

Master, help! Woof!

Help! Help! Oh, dear. Woof! Woof!

Oh, there you are. Thank you, master.

Bless you!

You do love me, master.

Of course I love you, Dennis.

I just don't love myself.

Time's up! Prime the Destruction Generator.

- Hang on.

- What?

We need to check if he's passed the test.

- Well, he did start all those wars.

- That was good.

- But then he stopped them all.

- But why?

He said he was trying to make things

better for people.

That's very appalling.

The only good is to destroy.

The only evil is weakness.

Weakness must be annihilated!

Agreed. Vaporise the earthling

and his wretched planet.

I told you so.

Reprime the Destruction Generator.

Try her again, Neil. Go on.

- She... She won't have me.

- Then, give up the powers.

- I can't.

- Then, give them to me.

You wouldn't have the powers

but you'd know where they were.

And being a dog,

all I want to do is follow orders.

I'll do what you tell me to.

- Dennis, you're a genius.

- Not bad, huh?

Destruction Generator already charged,

Death-Dealing Darkness-Bringer.

Commencing destruction.

It is a curse that our numerals

take so long to pronounce.

Uh, yeah, it's like, uh,

you just wave your hand, like that.

I feel it. Wow!

Yeah. There you go.

So what's it going to be? Biscuits?

But the power made you miserable.

Yeah, but I don't have them any more, do I?

Look, tree become Eiffel Tower.

See?

What are you thinking, Dennis?

Forgive me, master.

What? Wait, wait. What are you going to do?

That's the only short one.

If I have any power, let the source

of that power be destroyed, forever!

All this marking be suddenly finished

and neatly stacked up.

Fiona Blackwell, go away.

Oh, shh, shh. Shush, shush, shush.

Fiona! How lovely to see you.

Hey, great news. I got my sight back.

Hey, I think I hear Catherine.

- Catherine.

- Hi.

Hey. Um, look. Letters become cucumbers.

Us be on the prow of the Titanic.

I got rid of the powers.

I'm impressed.

Yeah. So I thought maybe

we could have some dinner sometime?

- Yeah, maybe, yeah.

- OK.

- How about tonight?

- I'll be down in half an hour.

We're going out to dinner.

I'll bring you both back a doggy bag.

- I suppose I'd better keep my mouth shut.

- Turn me back, Den.

I can't. I like you as you are.

Those stubby legs. Look at you.

- I'm not a dog, I'm a man.

- Hey, nobody's perfect.

This is chewing a biscuit, boss.

I'll try and give you that right now,

hold one second.

Oh, red biscuit. Great.

No! No!

Oh, got it.

Licking. Licking somebody.

This is like porn. Now a shagging noise.

Oh, look. There's the red bit.

Oh, there, oh, right, oh...

I'm done.

OK, great.

That's enough chewing biscuits

for f***ing half an hour.

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