Accident Man Page #8

...to shut him up.

Beth Carpenter, well, we thought

we'd just put the frighteners on her.

She was a cunning little fox.

She contacted Zim...

...and the members of Parliament...

...and threatened to expose the whole bribes.

You don't blackmail these people.

She gave us no choice, really.

We even put a hit out on a contractor.

Just to tidy up all the ends.

- Yeah, it didn't go to plan, did it, Lenny?

- No, it didn't...

How do you know that?

It was me, dummy.

Not as smart as you think you are, are you?

- Eh?

- Ha-ha-ha.

Charlie Adams, why her?

Because her involvement with Beth.

We didn't know what she knew.

- What about the other assassins?

- What other assassins?

- The men hired to take out Beth.

- There are no other assassins!

It was a specific in the contract.

One person carried out all the hits.

Who organized the hits?

Well, he didn't give me his name.

Some American prick.

Sounded like he was auditioning

for a knighthood.

But...

...I recorded all the conversations,

just for insurance.

Now, you're not going to kill me.

Are you?

Give me the f***ing thing.

It's payback time, Fallon.

Don't make this harder than it has to be.

Hey, Mac. You're not so homophobic now...

- ...with your jaw wired shut, are you?

- F*** you.

- He said, "F*** you!"

- Yeah, f*** you.

- Grenade that motherf***er.

- Mm.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[YELPS]

F***!

[SCREAMS]

Mick, you f***ing prick.

[SCREAMING]

[PANTING]

You made me kill my friend, motherf***er.

That's your motherfucking ass!

[MICK YELLS]

MIKE:
Jesus.

Jesus Christ, Pete.

You dirty, little rat f***.

What was that? Chloroform?

Good job, I can hold my breath

like a deep-throating whore.

You're my dream assignment, Fallon.

Let's be having you.

Come on, then.

[SCREAMS]

[GURGLING]

Never did like

that greasy, little twat anyway.

You f***ing little runt.

Oh, for f*** sakes, Fred!

I'm very sorry it's come to this, Mike.

- To what?!

- I'm here to kill you.

- What, with your little bag of tricks?

- I know.

But what am I supposed to do?

I'm a finesse killer.

- F***.

- This fighting game, it's not my style.

Look. I've got a little bit

of an idea, all right?

I'm open to suggestions.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MIKE:
Never know. Might come in handy.

RAY:
Try them again.

MILTON:
There's no point.

They'll call when they're done.

- Call them.

- Reception is always terrible...

...down by the river.

I'm sure that everything is fine.

Your assurances don't mean sh*t

to me right now, Milton.

Call Jane.

Make sure everything's

locked up tight down her end.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

ZIM:
I've been assured that this mess

will be resolved this evening.

But just in case

your firm fails me yet again...

...do we have enough men?

We have more than enough men, Mr. Zim.

You don't need to worry.

I'll gauge whether I need to worry or not.

Forgive me if my confidence in you

and your colleagues has waned.

I told you we needed more men.

[NECK SNAPS]

Mr. Zim, one woman is all you need

to put an end to this.

It's been a long time coming, Michael.

Funny, I was thinking the same thing.

But in my head, it was gonna be me

on your back instead of that katana.

Lock yourself in the other room.

This won't take long.

You know we don't have to do this, Jane.

Oh, yes, we do, Michael.

Let's see what you've got.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MIKE:
B*tch!

F***ing...

It's time to butter the toast, Michael.

And if you're lucky,

I'll let you lick the knife.

You always thought

I was flirting with you, didn't you?

Yeah, but you really wanted to f*** me.

I did. Heh.

I always wanted to f***ing kill you.

Just so you know,

I begged Milton to let me go...

...and kill that b*tch

of an ex-girlfriend of yours.

Still reckon you wanted to f*** me.

You know who I am, Mr. Zim?

I'm the bloke your guy hires

to remedy those problems...

...only money can fix.

You know the type, right?

Need someone to disappear.

No police interference.

I'm the man for the job.

Make it look like an ordinary accident.

No trail, no fuss.

No questions asked.

I have money. Millions.

Name your price.

How long would it take

to scrape together 100 million quid?

Give me 24 hours.

Yeah? Too long.

See, you f***ed up, Zim.

Not only did you try

to have me snuffed out...

...after performing

an exemplary job for you...

...at the highest level...

...you gave the order to have

my pregnant ex-girlfriend...

...Beth Carpenter, murdered.

What you got to say for yourself?

My deepest condolences.

It was just business, I can assure you.

See, I had a rather innovative piece

of theatrics conjured up for you.

But the more I think about it,

and knowing what you did to my Beth...

...you don't f***ing deserve it.

- I'm gonna straight-up murder you.

- No, wait. Wait! Wait!

I've been given the green light

for new drilling rights...

...worth a billion pounds sterling.

I'll happily cut you in.

You'll be rich beyond your wildest dreams.

No, thanks.

Bad for the environment.

MILTON:
Don't worry, our lads are the best.

RAY:
F*** you.

You're only calm because you cower

behind me all your miserable little life.

Erroneous, Ray.

Erroneous.

I am never wrong, Milton.

And don't you be bringing Latin into my pub.

We speak the Queen's English here.

All right, you c*nt?!

MIKE:
Mind your language, Ray.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, I'd stay away from the boom stick

beneath the bar for now.

I'm pretty quick with this.

Well, look at us.

As the saying goes...

...if a man's home is his castle,

then his pub is the battlements. Heh.

What?

No drink?

Well, I think we're past that by now,

don't you?

Ray, why don't...?

Why don't you call the team...

- ...and get them back here?

- The team are no longer available.

What have you done?

MIKE:
Fred will be fine.

Mac was a case of friendly fire.

Mick will have to live with that.

Pete's dead.

I f***ing hated him anyway.

As for Cliff...

Yeah, that was unfortunate.

Jane?

It's not all her blood.

Well, then whose is the rest?

Some bloke named Atal Zim.

Your client.

You f***ing idiot.

Do you realize what you've gone and done?

Milton set us up, Ray.

He hired some rookie assassin to take me out.

That is absolute poppycock.

Ray, I'm insulted

that you would even humor him on this.

I am a professional, and I...

LEONARD [ON RECORDING]: ...triple

the price of all jobs if we can ensure...

...that the trail is wiped clean.

We need your man disposed of

following the jobs...

...or I'm afraid we'll have to go elsewhere.

MILTON:
No problem whatsoever.

Hey, throw in a ticket or two

to the opera and you have a deal.

And I've got just the man for the job.

F***er. Dirty, little f***.

[GRUNTING]

- I tried to tell you from the start, Ray.

- Hold on. Hold on.

Let me get me breath back.

MIKE:
F***ing hell.

Thought you might break

two of the rules for a minute there.

[MILTON WHIMPERS]

F***.

I'm sorry.

It was... It was greed.

Good old-fashioned greed. Honest to God.

Mikey, I regretted it

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