Accidents Happen Page #2

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The Columbia

engines will be--

It's not every day

you get to see

history happen.

Dottie! Im empty!

History is not happening.

It happened the other day.

Don't wise off, Doug.

They got back alive.

That's what Im trying

to tell you.

Hey, you, play nice

in front of our guest.

Yeah, the other day!

When they made history.

If Columbus didn't

make it back after

he discovered America,

we wouldn't be sitting

here watching this

on TV.

Isn't that right, Billy?

Your TV's really nice.

We would too be sitting here,

'cause someone else would've

discovered America.

You're not

listening to me, Doug.

Look, it's the

invention of the wheel,

Christ and all

that business,

the discovery of

America by Columbus,

the discovery

of gravity,

World War I,

World War II,

and the moon landing.

That's the history

of the world so far.

Oh, this isn't

still on, is it?

What a yawn festival.

Can't we watch Dallas?

We're watching this.

In the early days

of our republic,

Americans watched

Yankee clippers fly

across the sky--

You know Billy Conway from

over at Providence Court?

What happened?

Got hit by a baseball.

Ew.

Gene wasn't expected

to survive the crash,

though it was

debatable that he had.

He could breathe,

and swallow.

He didn't even

have a sexy nurse.

And if that

wasn't bad enough,

Larry would

sneak in, drunk.

Alcohol helped fuel

Larry's hope that a

miracle might occur.

Being with Doug

helped Billy remember

a life before the accident.

Gene and Doug had

been great together,

whether they were

playing baseball

or turning The Three

Stooges into five.

And with the memories

came hope that life

could be fun again.

Doug. Doug.

You were snoring.

Im sorry.

You miss Gene?

You should try and

get some sleep.

Were you there the time

he built the toilet paper

wall across Miami Court?

Yeah.

My ass got kicked

around the living

room because of it.

Now I call it

the barely living room.

Man, that was intense.

You're not serious.

My father, he tore

through it in his car

'cause he thought

it was toilet paper.

But it wasn't.

Gene strung wire

across too and ripped

the windshield wipers off.

Have you been

to see him lately?

It's only family allowed.

Really? That sucks.

Well, you're not

gonna take that lying

down, are you?

Hurry up!

Older brother

Restless soul

Lie down

Quick.

Lie for a while with your

Ear against the earth

The buzzer.

And you'll hear

Your sister sleep

Talking say

Your hair is long

But not long enough

To reach

Quick, quick, quick.

Home to me

And she'll wake up

Ina cold sweat on

The floor

Next to a family

Portrait drawn when

You were four

Thank you.

How thoughtful.

Oh, yeah!

Doug!

Where are you?

Sh*t!

Whoa.

All right, Im out.

Run!

Hey, bub.

There you are.

Wasn't that fun

the other night?

It was hysterical.

Hey, hang on.

Doug's really cool.

We've been out every night.

The other night--

Gene?

God, Gene.

Hey, Gene, it's me,

Billy. Im here.

Nurse!

Don't listen to

anything he says, Gene.

It says here that

he's a little p*ssy.

Lucky you don't

have to live with him.

Good one, d*ckhead.

Is everything okay?

Yeah. Yeah, we're fine.

Sorry. Sorry.

Mom's in the

hospital, Gene.

They took a lot

of her female stuff out,

like her Filipino tubes.

Everything except

her Mildred.

That's what Doug

calls her p*ssy.

Gross, huh?

She's okay, though.

She might not come

see you for a while.

She'll be a bit shaky.

Might not?

She's not coming.

She's happy finally

'cause she's got

an excuse.

You can get she'll

be milking it.

From General

Aluminum Products--

If that's the doctor,

tell him I want my

uterus back.

Hello?

Who's this?

They hung up.

Just as well. I've

got static to watch.

The Posts have

a really nice TV.

Yeah. They also

have a sh*t for

brains son

who wouldn't know

his ass from an

exit sign.

Well, we got Larry.

The phone call was some

guy asking if I wanted

to sneak out with him later.

It wasn't your

boyfriend, was

it, Billy?

More like your

imaginary friend.

Well, which one?

That's right.

Larry's only

got one.

How would you two

like to go live with your

good-for-nothing father?

Larry would.

Oh, hi. Billy.

Everything all right?

Yeah. My mom's

doing a lot better.

I just wanna thank

you for helping out.

It was really nice

of you. My mom really

appreciated it.

It's what neighbors do.

And thanks for

letting me stay.

Are you sure

everything's okay?

I think I left my

baseball cap over

here. Is Doug home?

I don't think

you were wearing it.

I must have been.

Could I look for it?

Was that you

who called?

Sh*t. That was so

funny. Was that Larry?

What did he say?

He asked if you

were my boyfriend.

The bastard!

He was always like

the downer twin.

I tried to be his friend,

but, uh, not necessary.

Ah, maybe it's over here.

Look, it's kinda tricky

if you call my house.

My mom thinks you're

like a crime lord.

Still?

Hey, have the

cops been here?

No. Why? Have they

been to your house?

I don't wanna

talk about it!

Sh*t. That's the

last thing I need.

Your head looks better.

Than what?

So, do you wanna

do something later?

I can't.

My mom's home.

She's like a shut-in.

I talked my mother

into taking her to bingo.

What, tonight?

They're like paper

and scissors.

More like rock

and scissors.

You should come over.

Okay. See you later.

Come on!

Hi, Mr. Post.

You haven't seen

my cap, have you?

No. Seen the

goddamn remote?

You! Who is

that kid, anyway?

It's Billy.

Get out of my room!

Billy who?

Get out of my room!

Uh, my mom

won't be long.

Are you going

to bingo, too?

I thought it was

just old ladies

that went.

I heard that.

It's better

than staying

home with my father.

Ma, you know Katrina.

Hi, Katrina.

Mrs. Post is

waiting in the car.

Right. Larry!

Dinner is ready.

Don't mind my father. We

don't call him Tiny 'cause

he has a lot of patience.

He's just

dropping us off.

You call him Tiny?

Not to his face.

Well, I hope

you both win.

I don't know

about you, Katrina,

but I have about as

much chance of winning

as shitting a gold Cadillac.

Turkey, chicken.

Don't fight over them.

Bye, Katrina.

Im having the turkey.

Im having the turkey.

You always

have the turkey.

Im having the turkey.

Why do you always have

to be a jerk?

You should go live

with dad. Make

everyone happy.

Everyone except

me and Dad.

You'll just get

drunk later and end

up throwing it up.

F*** off, Billy.

Make sure you throw

it up somewhere

other than here.

It's hot.

You only have yourself

to blame for that.

Hey, what's going on?

What the f***

are you doing here?

He threw a f***ing

TV dinner at me!

What'd you do that for?

Because he's

a Mildred!

That was you who

called here earlier.

So what of it?

You hurt Billy again,

and I'll kick your

ass. Again.

Let me see.

Oh, man.

Walking on a dream

How can I explain

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