Addicted to Porn: Chasing the Cardboard Butterfly Page #7

in his eyes.

I wanted to poke him,

because I knew what

he would look at all day.

And his hands, you know...

When you look at Nathan,

he's so all-American and handsome,

and you would never think...

You know, when you think

of just an addict in general,

you think of dirty, and you don't bathe,

and you're kind of gross.

He was a stand-up,

just handsome man.

And his hands...

I would look at his hands,

and I would cringe

when he'd touch me.

And I would just...

I'd want to cut his hands off.

'Cause I knew what he was

doing with his hands all day.

Just being denied by the man

that you love and want...

over, and over,

and over again, it just...

You just...

There's a point where

you just can't move on anymore.

I think that was the point when I realized

that I needed to do something about it,

but I was still really unable

to make good, solid progress.

I started going

to some meetings,

but it seemed like I wasn't...

really into it for me.

I didn't really want

to make the change.

I just wanted

to save my marriage, and, uh...

I didn't really get it

until it was too late.

I would say that

the victims here

were me, and my children,

and my marriage.

And that's a shame,

and it's a...

It's a crime even,

because you can't even imagine

the pain and the toll

that this took on our family.

It's indescribable.

It's definitely something

that people disagree over,

that pushes boundaries,

and that they fight about.

I think it causes jealousy.

I think it causes insecurity.

And I think it contributes

to the overall situation

that's gonna lead

to the divorce.

And I think it adds

a sexual cheating component

even if actual

cheating isn't occurring,

uh, to that mix.

At least, it adds to the insecurity.

Brad Dalley is a former divorce attorney

who has seen time and time again

situations unfold much like

that of Betsy and Nate.

He points out that

there is another victim here

that really has no control

over the situation.

Well, I mean,

who's the real victim in any divorce?

If there's children,

who pays?

You know, I mean, the kids

are always the ones that lose.

I think the parents lose, too,

but the kids always lose more.

Maybe you believe it doesn't

hurt you or other people,

but if it's hurting your

relationship with your spouse,

um, it's gonna have a...

An impact on your relationship

with your children, as well.

And if that leads

to a divorce, well,

you know, I hope you enjoy spending

a lot less time with your kids,

'cause that's what's

gonna happen.

You know, and have fun explaining

why you got a divorce to people.

Despite Betsy and Nate's best efforts to

shield their children from the situation,

it eventually found its way

into their lives, as well.

So, at the tender age of eight,

I had to sit down

with my son and say,

"This is not how you have

a relationship in real life.

Sex is beautiful,

and it's wonderful.

And one day,

you will experience that,

but not like this.

This is not real.

This is disgusting.

People don't really do this when

they have sex. Not like this."

And how do you really make an

eight year old understand that?

As you can see,

the issue has a massive ripple effect,

not only taking a toll on the addict,

but their partner,

their friends, their family,

their entire environment.

So how does an active addict keep

from perpetuating the issue?

What does a man like Nate

say to his son?

I just tried to tell him

about my experiences, I guess,

and how it's affected my life,

how it's affected my marriage.

How it affects my well-being.

'Cause this is, uh...

I mean,

it's not like a drug

where it physically affects my appearance

or anything like that, but, uh...

From the outside,

I look like a normal guy.

On the inside, half the time,

I'm so twisted up that,

you know, it's... Sometimes it's

hard just to get through a day.

And that's what

I fight against now.

You know, I can never

get that marriage back.

I thank God I didn't

lose my kids because of this.

But it is... It's a moral issue now,

and it's something that just...

You know, it's a battle

for my soul almost.

If I could go back

and change it, I would.

I know that's

not possible now.

Does that bother you?

Yeah.

I mean, uh...

She never... She never asked to

be in a relationship like that.

I can be happy for her now.

You know, that's...

I can be happy for her now that

she's remarried, and she's happy.

You know, there are things that people

say they never wish on their worst enemy,

and this is it.

There's another issue here,

a side effect to be addressed.

Aside from the pain that can be felt through

this synthetic infidelity, if you will,

is the impact it has on the partner,

more commonly the woman,

when they find

themselves competing with

and comparing themselves

to pornography.

When a person finds themselves

trying to outdo a world of options,

sometimes the only option

is to give up.

What pornography does is say that the

only thing that is valued is youth,

and beauty, and the, uh...

The view of beauty is,

uh, basically what

Hollywood has been selling,

that they've got to be a certain age,

certain body type, certain shape.

And, uh, yeah,

that's... That's...

very degrading to wives

to see, you know,

their husband is not satisfied with her,

which is the way she sees it.

But when you look at women,

and how they're,

in one of the ways they are negatively

impacted by porn, all right,

it has to do with the image of

the women that they see on film

and the quote-unquote

"perfection" of their body.

The way that the stereotypical

portrayal of what beauty looks like

absent the sexual behavior.

The sexual behavior for many

of the women is irrelevant

to, "What does

that woman look like,

and do I need to now

live up to that?"

Because when you're with a man that

you know has been watching porn,

you think he's looking at you

because you don't look like them.

That your body isn't great.

You know, that you

can't do it for him.

Women just obsess

and obsess about that.

And you get to a point where you

just almost want to give up.

You know, you just feel like, "I can never

compete with that, so why even try?"

So, a lot of my friends

have those issues.

They lose their self-esteem.

They lose their identity.

They feel less than.

I just think that men

need to understand that

not every girl is gonna do

what the girls in the clips do,

and to put that kind of demand

on a female is really unfair.

You know, so I think women

just need to be able to say,

"I'm just...

I'm not gonna do that."

I remember thinking,

"These women are beautiful,

and I am not like that.

And he could have a new girl

at the click of a button,

and I'm just me.

But I love you, and I don't

understand why I'm not good enough.

I am a real woman with stretch

marks and a saggy butt.

Uh, what more do you

want from me?

I really... I'm not fat.

I'm not ugly.

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