Afflicted Page #2

The footage is phenomenal.

Probably the coolest thing is just

seeing Derek looking so happy

for the first time in

a really long time.

A weight has been lifted

off his shoulders,

and I can't wait for the

next couple of days,

because things are gonna

get even crazier.

Whoo!

Holy sh*t. Holy sh*t!

It was way more scary than

I thought it was gonna be.

Oh, my God.

Group hug. Group hug.

Oh, I love this. Feel the love.

Okay, Derek. If we can find you

a suitably drunk French girl

with low enough standards,

do you think you can take her home?

Let's take a quick poll.

I think that he's gonna

succeed in, uh...

In getting her where

he wants to get her,

but I think that she's gonna

have a horrible time.

With that Canadian vibe, he's

not going anywhere tonight.

Actually, with you guys at my

wing, I'm pretty much screwed.

I'll be impressed if he just

talks to a girl tonight.

Clif will be filming.

That'll add a certain

amount of pressure.

- We have to get this on film.

- No, I'm on your side.

- This is important.

- Can we not...?

Let's not encourage this,

okay? You gotta...

You gotta not be filming

the whole night.

Actually, I have something for you.

It's condoms.

I think this is the lucky one.

Actually, I'll give you all of them.

They're all lucky ones.

Oh, this is very optimistic

of you. Ha-ha-ha.

They're French condoms, so they're

probably the best in the world.

We're Unalaska.

We're gonna play

some songs for you.

I'm the brother

That you never meet

I'm an anchor

When you swim in the sea

Oh, a life sentence

Like a battery beast

And I only see the light

When you smile with teeth

No luck?

Have you been telling them

obnoxious travel stories?

- Yep.

- You need to lead with

"I have a brain aneurysm."

Okay, that might be a little

bit too close to home.

Dude, there are tons

of cute girls in there.

We are gonna go find

you one right now.

Too hot for Derek?

Possibly. I don't know.

Derek, I got one! Derek!

Aw.

Hell has frozen over.

Derek Lee has found a lady.

Hi.

Hi. I'm... I'm Clif.

Buddy, hey, back off

with the... Buddy.

I'm the skeleton in your body

You will never get a glimpse of me

Attaboy, Derek.

I knew you could do it.

And now I'm filming

my friend making out.

Good stuff.

So I'm supposed to act

natural while you're...

Act natural. Just talk to Clif.

We are leaving, so...

- Oh, yeah, okay.

- If you wanna come party with us,

- call this, my number.

- Holy rock star moment.

We're trying to figure out what

we're doing with our hotel tonight

because our friend went back

there with a girl, so...

Okay, that's fine. So you don't

sleep and, like, party all night.

I have to say congratulations

for him doing it with a girl

because I always congratulate

my friends for that.

- We don't know...

- It's hard to do.

We don't know if he's

actually doing it.

- There's one way to confirm.

- We could find out.

There's only one way to... Exactly.

What you're suggesting is the, uh...

The Turkish cock block.

I believe that that

is what it's called.

I think we should

elaborate on that point.

The Turkish cock block is not

in the spirit of friendship.

But it is something

that friends do.

- And it is hilarious.

- It's hilarious.

I think we really need to

do it. Edo, confirmation?

Operation Cock Block is a go.

This is... This is hands

down the shittiest thing

I've ever done to a friend,

but we're gonna do it,

because it's in the

spirit of Paris.

- In the spirit of Paris. I like that.

- Yeah.

Can I just say, because

we're filming this,

that I am against this

completely because it's mean?

Yeah, well, you can go

sleep in the lobby.

- We're not.

- I'm independent.

One, two, three.

Cock block!

- Holy sh*t.

- Derek?

- F*** me.

- Derek?

- Derek, Derek.

- Hey, man.

Derek? Derek?

- Dude...?

- Call an ambulance.

- Call an ambulance!

- What happened here?

Call an ambulance!

Derek, wake up.

Wake up!

- Derek, are you okay?

- You're bleeding, man.

Sh*t, it's on his head.

What the hell happened, man?

What did Audrey do to you?

I don't know. I don't remember.

Is she running around the

city naked right now?

I mean, she left all her clothes.

Look, I just said I

don't remember, man.

Like, she comes in, she...

She hits me in the head,

everything goes hazy,

and the next thing I know,

you guys are rushing in, so...

We shouldn't be taking you

to the hospital, right,

like, given your condition?

No, I don't think so.

- You're sure?

- Yes, I am sure.

Like, look, this looks way

worse than it is, all right?

I just wanna keep going.

Are you groggy? Are you okay?

- I'm okay.

- All right.

- We gotta go.

- This is it.

- All right.

- See you.

Take care, dude.

- Take care of this guy.

- Yeah.

- See you, man.

- Take care of your wife.

All right, bye.

Okay.

I guess that'll be your place. Heh.

What the hell, man?

You're still asleep?

Get up. Come on, man. Get up.

This is ridiculous. You've

been asleep forever.

Come on, seriously, man. Come on.

Come on, come on, come on.

- How long have I been out?

- A while. Way too long.

- Come on. Come on, come on.

- Okay. Okay.

Let's go. Contacts, clothing.

Emerging into the outer world

where you can interact

with other humans beings.

Why are you...? Why are you so...?

Why are you so annoying?

Because we're supposed to

be on this trip together.

- What the hell?

- Yes. I am here.

- Guess I'm hungry. Sorry.

- Yes.

Well, I know exactly

the place we can go.

Good.

Yeah. Two, please.

This place is amazing,

man. Look at this place.

Little sleepy boy here has

been sleeping the days away

and missing this

Mediterranean paradise.

Seriously, look at that.

I'm starving. What are you having?

Um, pesto.

All right, look at that.

Oh, jeez. Thank you.

- Looks amazing.

- Look at that.

This food looks so

good, man. This...

Aw. Heh. I am...

Are you even listening

to me right now?

Oh, Jesus Chri...

Derek.

Derek. What the hell?

Derek, wait.

Hey.

Hey, man, how are you feeling?

Better.

Look, I just think

that with everything that's

been going on with you,

that we should go talk

to somebody about this.

Clif, I'm not going

to the hospital.

Okay, it's probably just

food poisoning, so...

What are you talking about?

What are you doing, man?

You got hit in the head.

This isn't something to

f*** around with, man.

Clif.

If I go,

okay, and they find something,

they might not let me leave, okay?

And I don't wanna spend

another second in a hospital.

I feel fine.

So, like, we're not

stopping the trip.

Are we doing this or not?

Yes, I'm rolling, okay?

- Go.

- Okay, uh...

Clif has arranged a tour with

a local vintner named Bartolo

here at his... At his, uh, cantina.

It's Cheo Wines.

Let's go.

- Hello.

- Oh, good morning.

- Hi. I'm Derek.

- Oh, nice to meet you.

- My name is Bartolo.

- Bartolo.

This is our cellar.

We have the largest cellar in town.

- Really?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes