After Sex

# And my world is love #

# It's only magical #

# It's a beautiful life #

# When my fevered head #

# Felt the world in it #

# It's a beautiful life #

# By the road I'd lay #

# And often hear it say #

# Sew the wounds

of your life #

# Throw your TVs out #

# Buy the ring and shout #

# It's a beautiful life #

# Yeah #

# It's all here #

# My beautiful #

# It's your

magic carpet ride #

# We're all #

# Since the world has come #

# You're the only one #

# For the rest of my life #

# As my body quits #

# I feel your world in it #

# It's a beautiful life #

# Life #

Oh, God.

Easy, easy,

easy, easy.

Cramp! Cramp!

Cramp! Cramp!

Fu-- F***ing top five.

That was f***ing...

top five.

So what are you saying?

Are you saying women

have it easier than men?

Look, all I'm saying

is that you guys...

women have one

certain luxury

that us men

just do not have.

Oh, yeah?

And what is this one luxury,

might I ask, baby?

Let me get my breath,

and I'm gonna tell you.

I'm gonna spell it

out for ya.

How do I know it's gonna

be pure genius?

Fine.

No matter how I say this, I'm

gonna be the f***ing a**hole,

so I'm just gonna come out

and say it, all right?

Sweet!

This whole

equality thing...

is crap.

God, you've got

a gift for delivery.

It's bullshit.

Look, just hear me out.

All I'm saying is that

you and I are not equal.

Sure, we all slave away

at our dead-end

stupid-ass jobs

just like each other.

But there's a difference:

the luxury.

The one luxury

that we do not have.

And?

It is not okay for us

to be dependent

on someone else.

What?

Exactly that.

You can work

your ass off.

You can go to college,

get a degree,

and get a job

just like me.

But what I can't do

is say "F*** it"

and choose to depend

on someone else.

Only women

have that right.

If I do it, I'm a bum

or a gigolo.

If you do it,

you're a housewife.

Or even better yet,

a domestic engineer.

Give me

a f***ing break!

You're right.

I know.

You're the f***ing

a**hole.

Come on.

Where are you going?

To flush down

your demon seeds.

You know, it's incredible

to me how someone

who appears to be so smart

can be so f***ing dumb!

Yeah, well, you're

just pissed off

that you know

that sh*t's all true.

F***ing hamstring.

Whatever.

Tell me that it's not.

Whatever!

Yeah. You know.

Kiss my ass.

Why is it we always get

into these heated discussions

right when we're done

having sex?

Maybe because

I'm left unsatisfied

and need to take my

frustrations out somewhere?

That's not what you were

screaming a couple of minutes ago.

Yeah? What was

I screaming, big guy?

"Oh, Chris, stop.

Chris, stop.

Oh, stop! Chris, please

don't stop." Shut up!

Ow! You just

hit me in the balls.

Good.

You deserve it.

Sit down.

So...

So...

When do you think you're just

gonna come out and say it?

Say what?

How deeply in love

with me you are.

In your dreams.

Baby, it's all right.

I know.

Christopher, could you

be more full of yourself?

I could.

I just choose to keep

my arrogance toned down

around women I'm giving

the hot beef injection to.

What are you,

in third grade?

What, you don't like

"hot beef injection"?

How about my one-eyed snake?

My Dodger dog?

My giggle stick?

You're impossible.

I'm cheap and I'm easy.

Tell all your friends.

Do you ever stop?

I'll stop when you admit

your everlasting love for me.

Well, then you better get

comfortable, Mr. Giggle Stick.

Oh, I'm good.

Okay.

Good.

Seriously, Leslie.

I know that...

you have

feelings for me.

Where is this

coming from?

I mean, I thought we were

just having fun here.

Isn't that what you say?

We're friends who f***.

I'm being serious here.

Like, why is that

so hard for you to admit?

'Cause we're friends,

Christopher.

That's all we ever are,

that's all we'll ever be:

friends.

I mean, look at us.

It would never work.

You're way

too fast for me,

and I'm way too

demanding for you, and...

And I like the way

things are.

Don't you?

I just thought...

Never mind.

What? No, never mind. You're right.

You couldn't

handle me anyway.

Excuse me?

I believe I just handled you

three times, if I'm not mistaken.

Is that what you call handling?

Yeah.

'Cause I was taking it

easy on you.

I send broads

to the chiropractor.

God, if only your dick

was as big as your ego.

If it was, I wouldn't

be able to walk around.

And neither would you,

for that matter.

Anyway, I don't

hear you complaining.

That's because you never shut up

long enough for me to get a word in.

You love my dick

as much as you love me.

Oh, shut up!

You know what I think?

Uh-uh, but I'm pretty sure

you're gonna tell me.

I think that you're the one

who's in love with me

and you're just projecting.

Yeah, that's it!

No, I'm ser--

You're trying to get me

to admit to loving you

because you're too much

of an insecure p*ssy

to just come out

and admit it.

Well, you've obviously put

a lot of thought to this.

Actually, no. It was just this

brilliant realization that came to me.

Are you saying that...

given the extreme

unlikelihood

that I actually did

have feelings for you,

that if I were

to make those known,

that you would then

step to the plate

and acknowledge your

undying love for me?

I'm not letting you

off the hook like that.

Like what? It doesn't work

like that, Christopher.

Love is not negotiable.

Oh, baby,

everything's negotiable.

No, not love.

Not love. Love is...

a guessing game.

And that's the beauty of it.

There's no guarantees.

It's like...diving

into a pool of water

without knowing

if it's shallow or deep.

And sure, yeah,

if it's shallow,

you end up hurt and

paralyzed from the neck down.

But if it's deep...

you know...

It's a leap of faith.

It's like throwing yourself out

there without any guarantees, dude,

and that's what

life's about.

Okay, you know

those carnival games, right?

And you know how some of them

are really hard to win

and some of them are super easy

and everyone wins?

Sure.

Well, it's just that

that's the difference

between love and sex.

Sex is the game

where everyone

wins a little prize,

and no one goes home a loser.

And...love is the game

that's really hard to win.

But if you do,

and you get to take home

that life-sized

stuffed rhinoceros,

it feels a whole lot better

than taking home

that shitty little

plastic key chain.

Hey.

Yeah?

You've got a f***ed-up way

of explaining sh*t.

I mean...f***!

Good night, Christopher.

Good night.

# She's a little bit cold,

she's a little bit bold #

# She's a little bit funny #

# How it feels #

# To be #

# Someone out of control,

life's taken its toll #

# When you wanted to see #

# The edge of the universe #

# You want to #

# You need to #

# Surrender #

# Surrender your heart #

# With your life #

# With your soul #

# Surrender #

# Surrender to me #

I love you.

I love you, too.

I'm not gay now,

am I?

I don't know.

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