Age of Treason Page #5

Is this what you had him do

for Ajax?

Give or take

50,000 sesterces.

Now, I want you

to keep an eye out for...

People who aren't

where they're supposed to be.

-Right, Falco?

-Petro!

And I though you were off crushing

heads on the Judean front.

When I can stay here in Rome

and hope for a chance to crush yours?

Along with your Thracian slave

I've been hearing about.

Not that I could ever limit the

scope of your ignorance, Petro,

but he's not my slave.

He's merely temporary

collateral for a loan.

And don't call him "Thracian."

I'll call him an ox's ass

if it suits me.

And if you're half as smart

as you think you are,

you'll stay away from

the murder of this young Cato.

(IN MOCK SURPRISE) Murder?

Justus and I are simply casting

about for my missing nephew

and marveling at just how much

it costs the rich to say goodbye.

Spare me the stale air, Falco.

You're out of your class this time.

Way out.

It's Praetorian Guard business now.

Come on, Justus!

Let's allow this Captain of the Guard

to get back to his true calling.

Directing traffic.

Just don't say

you weren't warned, Falco.

FALCO:
Hmm! Now here was

a new face in the crowd.

And it was clear nobody had to

teach her how to make an entrance.

So what, then?

A friend of the family, maybe?

A friend of Cato's?

Or maybe the only girl in town who can

get you a swell snake's-head tattoo.

-JUSTUS:
Who is she?

-I have no idea.

But something tells me

it's past time to find out.

Take my advice, Justus.

You keep away from women like that.

I tell you, if I ever get out of here,

I'm gonna chuck this lousy racket

and I'm gonna paint frescoes

for a living.

(FALCO EXCLAIMS)

-(WHIP CRACKING)

-(MAN SHOUTING ORDERS)

MAN:
Pull!

Falco?

MAN:
Move forward!

(WHIP CRACKING)

(SPEAKING LATIN)

Say hello

to the goddess Cybele.

A hot ticket among religions

right now.

Though given the way men and

women crave to jump on each other,

I can't imagine

how a fertility cult can fail.

Why, that little

filthy-necked nose-wiper!

-The priestess?

-Worse. The nephew.

Just wait here. I've suddenly got

some family business to attend to.

And what's my little sister

going to say

when she finds out that her precious

darling left home to scrub floors?

-Uncle Falco!

-That's right, Uncle Falco,

who hasn't had a bath

in two days

because he's been combing

the hills of Rome looking for you!

I am sworn to Cybele now.

Why? So you can play

with some pretty girl here

in the name

of practicing fertility?

The boy has joined us

of his own free will.

He belongs to the cult now.

Unfortunately, he already

belongs to a cult.

Namely, my family.

And I think we hold

prior claim.

As I said,

these grounds are sacred.

Don't make me summon the Guard

to prove it.

FALCO:
Amazing how fast a temple

full of beauties can suddenly turn ugly.

But the odds were in her favor

now, and she knew it.

Let's say we forget

about the law

and I make an offer

to the eternal Cybele of, say,

mmm,

400 sesterces,

so that Curio here can go home to

reconsider the depth of his devotion?

Keep your money.

The goddess puts no price

on so constant a soul as...

Curio. His name's Curio.

Do you wish to remain in the embrace

of our divine Cybele, Curio?

Yes, I do.

Then the matter is settled.

Well, it does appear that Curio

has found religion after all.

-My apologies to the goddess.

-Apology accepted.

But lest

you judge us unfairly,

Uncle Falco,

please, come

to our ceremonies.

The castration ritual

can be most elevating.

FALCO:
Funny, it was already

having just the opposite effect on me.

"Keep your money," she says?

I do not trust people who won't

take a decent bribe when it's offered.

And what's she doing with her own

pack of Praetorian Guards, anyway?

I tell you,

something stinks in there,

and it's not just that nitwit

of a nephew of mine.

-GIRLS:
Justus!

-(MAN GREETING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

-GIRLS:
Justus! -Do you mind

not drawing a crowd right now?

I'm trying to concentrate

on business.

I'm sorry, Falco.

I didn't want to be rude.

Of course not!

A rude gladiator?

Perish the thought!

And what's that thing you're

waving around out there, anyway?

-One of the girls gave that to me.

-Let me see that.

(SNIFFS)

-You know what it is?

-Not for certain,

but it could be the source of

that nasty smell back there.

Nasty enough to sour my wine

and send old Simplex straight to Hades?

Hey, scribe!

Now, I gotta go and see

Juba the Elder about that dagger.

I want you to take that route

to Egnatius the Expensive.

He's a Greek doctor.

You'll find him at the Insula Tibernia.

He'll know what it is. Now,

here's the address,

and the directions.

And if he tries to charge you

more than 80 sesterces,

you have my permission

to operate on him hard.

-Falco, I can't go alone.

-Well, why not? What do you mean?

-Well, aren't you afraid I might escape?

-(LAUGHING) Escape?

Listen, if you wanted to escape, Justus,

there's nothing I could do about it.

On my own? No.

I don't know the city like you do.

That's right, and that's why

I've written out the directions.

-I know, but...

-What in Hera's hothouse is the problem?

(SOFTLY) I can't read.

Well, that's not

an incurable condition!

Hey, if you can learn to

fight, you can learn to write.

And now I just want you

to take this and ask around.

And with all the fans you got,

who's gonna steer you wrong?

And, if it gets

towards nightfall,

then I'll meet you

back at the apartment.

-Should it take that long?

-With a doctor? Please.

Now off you go.

Justus? Yeah, that way.

Gladiators.

Hail Juba the Elder, man of Roman

steel if ever there was one.

FALCO:
I didn't know

if he'd buy it,

but I told Juba

a rather juicy story

of how I had to grab

this fancy knife

on my way out of another man's

bedroom window.

For protection, of course.

(STEAM HISSING)

But since I was too drunk at the time

to recall his lovely wife's name,

or her address,

for that matter,

maybe he could clue me in

so I could quietly have it returned

without anyone

being the wiser.

I know who holds

every weapon made here.

Just show it to me and we'll soon

have the cuckold's name. (LAUGHS)

(GASPS)

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

You're mistaken. It's not my work.

-Of course it is! Look!

-I tell you it's not!

-Now take it and go!

-MAN:
All hail Captain Petronius!

Turn! Turn!

Ah, Captain Petronius!

Messenger-boy Petronius,

you mean.

You know Domitian has had me

all over this city,

twice,

looking for his damn dagger?

Ah! One day, and all of Rome.

So before he has me shipped

to the Judean front over this,

do us a favor

and make him another one.

Dagger?

What dagger would that be?

You know, the fancy one with the eagle

swallowing the snake carved on the handle.

He'll never know

the difference.

And if you whip

your slaves enough,

I'll bet you can finish it

by nightfall tomorrow.

-What do you say, Juba?

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