Alfie

Here, are you starting again?

- What if I am?

- What if the police come?

Let 'em. The windows

are steamed up, the doors are locked.

It's like a Turkish bath.

It don't half make you thirsty.

Here! Watch your ring

with my stockings.

Move over a bit, then.

Get your knee off the wheel!

- I can't. I'm stuck.

- Look out. I'll do it.

That hurt!

I told you to be careful

with your legs.

- I was only trying to be helpful.

- I can help myself.

Hello.

They never make these cars

big enough, do they?

Well, you all settled in?

We can begin. My name is...

Alfie?

Alfie.

I suppose you think you're going

to see the bleeding titles now.

Well, you're not, so relax.

What time will your old man

be at the station?

- Never mind him.

- That's who I will mind.

Never spoil a good thing.

You women don't get that.

- Enough's as good as a feast.

- You've changed your tune.

That horn put me off. I hate noise

at a time like that. Eh, mate?

Don't forget your napkin.

The first time you put your hankie

over your shoulder,

I thought

you were going to play your fiddle.

I come from a musical family.

Here. Mind you don't catch cold.

I've had a lovely time, Alfie.

A married woman. Every one of 'em

in need of a good laugh.

It never strikes their husbands.

Make a married woman laugh

and you're halfway there with her.

It don't work with the single bird.

It'd start you off on the wrong foot.

You get one of them laughing,

you won't get nothing else.

Just listen to it. It was dead glum

when I met it tonight.

I listened to its problems,

then I got it laughing.

It'll go home happy.

Where'd you tell

your husband you were?

- Pictures with Olive.

- What pictures?

Just the pictures.

Never be vague. It plants suspicion.

No wonder there's all this

broken marriage and divorce.

It would never occur to him that

another man would wanna take me out.

No, I see what you mean.

Suck this sweet

so he don't smell the gin.

- I don't care if he does.

- Be human. Why should we hurt him?

- He's done us no harm.

- You want everybody happy.

I don't believe in making anybody

unhappy if I don't have to.

Or in making an enemy.

You could be crossing the Sahara,

and he'd be the bloke you met.

What about next week?

Same time, same place?

- Maybe.

- I'll go and get my ticket.

She don't know

we won't be seeing much more of her.

She's on her way out.

When a married woman gets too hot on,

it's time to cool off.

Next thing she'll want

is to introduce me to the husband.

I can see it coming.

- I'll say good night to you, girl.

- The firm's dance is on Saturday.

- I'll treat you.

- Won't your old man be there?

Yeah, I'd like you to meet. Night.

Don't forget your napkin.

I'm like the Boy Scouts,

always prepared.

Once I've met the husband,

it don't half put me off the wife.

He could be dying, but if I ain't

met him, I won't think about him.

It's once you meet. Like as not,

he'll turn out to be a good sport.

His sort usually are.

As I'm having it off with her,

I keep thinking about him

hanging up his shirts.

Or arguing in the pub

about football or cricket.

You get a lot of his sort,

Chelsea supporters.

Hello.

- Had a nice time, dear?

- Not bad at all.

Good film?

There was a queue, so we didn't wait.

We went to a restaurant.

Did you enjoy yourself?

That's the main thing.

Well, I did my best. What about you?

I went through that garden catalogue

that came. Very interesting.

You should go out more. You come back

so cheerful - made over again.

Now I'm off to visit a little bird

called Gilda.

While she ain't exactly stupid,

she is a bit on the simple side.

She'd never make a number one.

You couldn't take her out

and show her off.

She ain't an exciting dresser,

but she's a cracking little stand-by.

And for another thing,

she ain't a liberty taker.

Most birds go mad to get hold of a

bloke and then go about changing him.

I told Gilda from the start

that I ain't the marrying sort.

Do you know what? She don't mind.

She's a stand-by and she knows it.

Any bird that knows its place

in this world can be quite content.

Alfie?! Did you forget your key?

Humphrey, it's you.

Yeah. I'm sorry for coming round

so late, but I was just passing by.

Yes, I see.

I'd just finished work

and I was feeling a bit lonely,

so I thought I'd pop in.

Yes, I see.

Have I come at an awkward time?

I am expecting Alfie any minute.

There's a pong in here!

It's Phul-Nana. The scent of Araby.

Don't you like it?

No. I like things to smell natural.

I've got your meal ready.

Never push things at me

as soon as I come in.

- I like to get my bearings.

- Just as you like it.

That's enough of that, an' all.

I saw that geezer Humphrey going off.

Here. You're not having it off

with him, are you?

Alfie, I can't bear another man

to come near me since I met you.

I just wondered. Did he just call

to give you these chocolates, then?

No. He called to tell me he loved me.

- Love you? Some men are funny.

- Alfie, do you love me?

Well, shall we say I like you a lot.

Ah, well,

I will have that grub after all.

Hot-water bottle?

She's getting a bit previous.

Hello.

- Is today the 22nd?

- Yeah, I think so.

Shouldn't our little friend

have arrived on the 19th?

Don't worry, he'll turn up.

He always has done.

He's usually so punctual.

I had a really good day at the caf.

I took over 50 on the till.

Isn't that wonderful?

What's so wonderful?

It ain't your money.

I like to think of them doing well.

It keeps me busy.

It's time you started that fiddle,

playing the piano on the till.

Alfie, I couldn't.

That's the only till in London

that ain't bent.

Luigi and his wife

treat me like family.

All the more reason to do 'em.

Alfie, I'm happy as I am.

You could still be happy

with a few hundred quid in the bank.

Now, look.

The one thing you've got to get

into that head of yours

is that nobody helps you

in this life.

You've got to help yourself.

If you fiddled five bob a day,

you'd have 200 nicker

on one side by now.

Money isn't everything.

Only people who ain't got none

say that.

I've had a fiddle

on every job I've done.

A fiddle gives you an interest

in your work.

I believe that everybody should

take an interest in their work.

There's another little job done.

- You sound cheerful, Elkins.

- Some mornings, I feel chirpy.

Yeah? Not all that chirpy

on what I'm paying you.

You must be working a nice fiddle.

That's defamation of character.

I'll report you.

Come off it. How do you think

I got where I am?

I'm quite satisfied

as long as you do the job well.

But don't get greedy,

otherwise you'll kill the goose.

I tumbled at once.

I shouldn't whistle.

Never be cheerful

if you're doing a fiddle.

You're getting careless.

You can say that again.

Little Gilda, she's pregnant.

- No! How long?

- Couple of months.

You ain't thinking

of getting married?

Me, in my state of health?

Sorry, full up.

Room for just one more inside.

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