Alien Autopsy

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(Woman) Hello, Qwerty Films? Morgan Banner for Michael Kuhn. -(Buzzer) -Push the door. That works. Good. Oh, great. lt's dark. There's no lights here, so careful. (Man) What is this story? Michael wouldn't tell me who these people are or what their story is. So, l don't know. (Morgan) They're not here? They'll be up in a minute. Up in a minute? l've travelled l know, l know, but they won't come up unless l phone them and tell them that you've signed this. -lt's a confidentiality agreement. -Jesus! -l've had enough of this bullshit. -Morgan, wait! Michael, what do you think l do? Just action. Just... l make documentaries. They put them in cinemas all over the world for millions of people to watch them. -l don't make confidential films. -l realise that. But this...this thing... this thing these people have done, the thing that l want you to hear, they've kept it secret for ten years, they're not sure how many laws they broke doing it, and they simply want to know that if you're not interested you won't tell their story to anyone else. This had better be so good. -(Footsteps) -(Man # 1 ) Right... (Man #1 ) l'll do all the talking, yeah? (Man #2) Yeah... (Man #1 ) What are you talking about? Don't exaggerate. (Man #1 ) You've got to relax a bit more. You're too uptight. Careful! (Knock on door) Hi. You all right? Uh...my name's Ray Santilli. -This is my friend, Gary Shoefield. -All right? You've...probably never heard of us, though, have you? Correct. Why don't you type Ray's name into Google, and see what happens? Uh...come on. -(Morgan) S-A-N-T-l... -L-L-l. How many hits? Three million, nine hundred eighty two thousand... (All) Four hundred and seven. Yeah. ( Supergrass.: Alright) Bet you want to hear their story now. We are young We run green Keep our teeth nice and clean See our friends, see the sights Feel alright We wake up, we go out, smoke a fag Put it out See our friends, see the sights Feel alright Are we like you? l can't be sure Of the scene, as she turns We are strange in our worlds But we are young, we get by Can't go mad, ain't got time Sleep around lf we like But we're alright... (Phone) -Gary, how you doing? -How do you think l'm doing? -You took my car. -Calm down, Gary. We discussed this. Yes, Ray. We discussed it, and l said no. Gary, please. lt's only for one day. Look, whatever you do, don't eat in the car. OK, mate. Hey, thanks, Gary. l appreciate this. -Ray! - We run green Keep our teeth nice and clean See our friends, see the sights Feel alright... -(Man) lf you suspect this is a pirated video... -You up yet, Nan? l'm putting the new Woody Harrelson on. lt's called Natural Born Killers. l think you'll like it. Just, er...don't stop it once it's started, will you? -l'm taping it for a couple of friends. -All right, sweetheart. -l thought you wanted to watch the film. -Maybe later, when l get back. -Back from where? -My date. -Your date? -His name's Maurice. l met him at bingo. -Where's he taking you? -Margate for the day. Oh, l cannot wait. l haven't been on a date in 47 years. Now, just hold on. l don't know anything about this Maurice character and if you've just met him, you don't either. l don't like this one little bit, Nan. (Doorbell) Ah... -Oh, hello. l'm... -Maurice. Right. -This is a first date, yes? No funny business. -l'm not sure l under... l want her back by four o'clock, or there'll be trouble. (Nan) Raymond, go, please. (Ray) Do we understand each other? Four o'clock. l'll be waiting. Nice one, Edgar. -You get them Babe tapes? -Yeah, plus a free GoldenEye. (Ray) Come on, l've got cushions. l've got pillows. T-shirts of the The King. What about you, my darling? All the way from Vegas. Oh... So, are you saying this is a genuine Toy Story video? Yes. l've got friends in the business. They look after me. -You got friends in Hollywood? -Yeah. Me and Mr Potato Head are like this. -That's me on top there, look. -Eh? Got something for you. Here you go, my friend. Timecop, special edition. Van Damme has never been better. l don't want one of your stolen videos, thank you very much. They're copied, with great care and attention by me. -You'll have no problem. -That's where you're right, Mr Santilli. lslington Council Trading Standards Officer. And it's you that's got the problem. Oi! Arrest him. (He mouths) -l told you on the phone, l can't help you. -You're my lawyer! l'm not your lawyer. l'm not anyone's lawyer... (Raises voice) ...because l'm not a lawyer. l'm a clerk, in a legal department. But they've impounded all me stock. l have to get it back. This month's sales are paying for my trip to America. A buying trip that's gonna transform my whole business. l'm sorry. Please go now. All right. Help me out of this, and l'll cut you in as well. You're sitting on my receipts. l want you to leave. You can't want to be a legal clerk for the rest of your life. (Man) Gary, a word in your ear, please. l'm not going to be. (Man) Come on, chop-chop. Come in, have a seat. l wanted to have a word with you, Gary, because there's going to be an opportunity for a bright young individual that the firm is willing to send back to college to get their law degree and then put on a fast track to top management. l had heard some rumours. Because of your experience, your knowledge of this company, and the people working in this company, we wanted to ask you. Really? Who you'd choose. Marcus or Rachel? lt's not easy, is it? Who would you be more comfortable calling boss? (Woman) Yes, sir, two portions? OK. (Man) You all right, mate? Best thing that ever happened to you, Gary. Now you know you've got no future there, tell 'em to shove it. Look, how are you ever going to date a Page Three girl or drive a Pontiac GTO, working as a lawyer for a biscuit firm? l don't care what you say, l'm not going to America with you. Aren't you tired of playing it safe yet? l mean, take a risk, bet on yourself. Bet on myself? Yeah! -Maybe you're right. -Course l'm right. -Why do l need them? -Exactly. l could pay for myself to go to law school. What? Apply for a place myself, pay the fees myself. -After we get back from America? -l'm not going to America. -But you haven't got any money. -But l will have, though. When l sell my car. Do you have any idea what a mint condition, perfectly restored Ray, where's my car? (Ray) l can sell Elvis stuff standing on my head. Authentic memorabilia, that's the business we're going into. You can't still be huffy about the car. -Why not? -But look what you've got in its place. A stake in your own business. And this time, we're going right to the top. -Mm. -Don't want your Sag Aloo? -No. -Wicked. Cheers. (Ray) The plan was perfect. Elvis had given a concert in Cleveland in 1 954. So, we stuck an ad in the local paper saying we were gonna be in town for a few days and we'd pay cash to anybody who had any old photos or, better still, film footage of the King himself performing there 40 years before. Then the idea was we'd bring it all home, sell it for a fortune. (Gary) Well, that was the idea. Gary! Gary, you've got to come and see this. -This is Harvey. -Hello. (Whispers) Look! Look at that. lt's the King, performing here 41 years ago. And it's uncopyrighted. So, you think you might be interested? Uh, maybe...maybe. Condition's not great. -There's no sound, which is a problem. -No sound. lt's a problem. l'll tell you what, why don't we forget the whole thing? Why don't you go and get some more punch, while l discuss this with my business partner? Fine, fine. (Both chuckle) -Will it be expensive? -No, l've got him in the palm of my hand. (Gary) l feel so lonely, baby l feel so lonely Since my baby left, ooh-ooh l found a new place to dwell, ooh-ooh Down at the end of lonely street ls Heartbreak Hotel, oh, baby... Jesus! You scared the life out of me. Hang on a minute. lf you've come back about the film, l'm sorry, you're too late. -A deal's a deal. -l'm fine with the deal. You see... l have another piece of film l think you'll be interested in. -Well, what is it? -l don't have it with me. But you've really got to see it, to understand. -Did you just see that? -What? There's a shooting star, just there, right above us. Yeah, but it's gone now. Yeah... there are things up there so beautiful sometimes l've cried... just thinking about them. Beautiful and terrible... ...both. Well, it's going to be a wild ride for you, Raymond. Wild, wild ride. After you. (Door bangs shut) This is it. l was a combat photographer for the United States Air Corps. One night in 1 947... l was pulled out of bed and flown for five hours to an airbase that l'd never heard of... ...where l was ordered to...film this. (Morgan) All right, just a minute... Can you say that again? The film showed the autopsy of an alien being. lt was carried out at Roswell Air Base, New Mexico in July 1 947. And you saw the footage? What did you think? l didn't see it, you see. l'd had the early night, so l didn't go with him to Florida. -Didn't you have jet lag? -No, l drank too much punch, to be honest. (Both) We had pretty strong punch. Oh, do me a favour. Do you have any idea what it would mean if this was actually true? lf you'd actually found documentary proof that man wasn't alone in the universe? lt would be the most important discovery in the history of mankind. lt would change everything forever. You're telling me out of all the people on the planet you're the one who's been blessed with this discovery? lsn't it brilliant? (Sighs) l can't deal with this. l can't deal with another one of your fantastic lies. But it's not a lie. Just sell your imaginary film, give me my money back, and we won't talk about it again. l can't. Harvey wants $30,000 for the film. -Where am l gonna get $30,000 from? -l don't care. l need an investor to put up the money. You have to help me. lf you ask me, it wasn't an investor he needed, it was a nutcase who already believed this UFO nonsense. Fortunately, just the right nutcase happened to share Gary's passion for cars. (Gary) Lazlo Voros. (Morgan) This guy was some kind of investor or something? (Gary) No, he was a psycho Hungarian art dealer who had a booming coke business on the side. He lived with his Jamaican boyfriend-cum-bodyguard in Belgravia. l'd met him at a car show in Birmingham, 'cause we're both obsessed with Detroit muscle cars of the 1 97 0s. And, frankly, he scared the sh*t out of me. But Ray was desperate and Voros was a big fan of crop circles. (Manic laughter) (Ray) So, Gary made the call. -Um...hi. Are you, er...? -Get in. OK. This had better be good, Mr Santilli. (Muffled cries) ls there someone in the boot? Just concentrate on telling me about this film. Well, it's the most unbelievable thing you've ever seen. Unbelievable. There it is, in front of me, up on the screen. Proof that there is life on other planets. And all l need is thirty grand. (Voros) Hm. Why don't we get some air? (Muffled cries and banging) (Seagulls cry) (Voros laughs) Ah! You know what l like about the heavens, Mr Santilli? No. -All that beauty. You know what it is? -No. Just the remnants of a massive explosion. Violence is everywhere, and l'm something of a connoisseur when it comes to violence. (Click) -(Seagulls cry) -Are you lying to me about what's on this film? -(Seagulls' cries intensify) -No. No, no. l swear to you, everything l've told you is absolutely true. -(Gunshot) -(Bird squawks) (Splash) l like you, Ray. l really do. You'll have the money tomorrow, in the morning. (Ray) l...l'm in pieces by this point. l am the most scared l have ever been in my life. -You got the money. -Don't underestimate how scary it was. -Oh, no, l'm not. -lt was a really scary moment. -But you got the money. -But don't underestimate how scary... (Morgan) Hang on. Hang on a minute. -You got the money and... -(Ray) We got the money. -lt's all there? -lt's all there. lt better be. l don't want anybody knowing it was me who gave you this. l'm not signing anything, l'm not banking this money, and there's nobody still alive that knows that l've got this film. And... l want it kept that way. (Ray) That was it, l'd got it. l'd just pulled off the deal of the century. (Morgan) lf this is the most secret film in history... ...why did the cameraman end up with it? l don't get that part. By mistake. There are eight prints made of the film. Four of them and the original negative were sent to Washington. Three more were sent to Air Force lntelligence in Utah. The final print goes with Harvey to Florida, where he's told it's going to be picked up. A week later, the whole world of military intelligence is completely turned on its head. -The Air Force splits from the Army. -That's when that happened. The OSS is broken up and restructured into the ClA. (Ray) None of the cameraman's contact numbers work anymore. A year later, the film in Florida still hadn't been picked up. So, he hung onto it, thinking that some day somebody would just come and get it. (Gary) But no one ever did. -Right, OK. Take a seat, Jasmine. -(Jasmine) Ooh, sorry, excuse me. l'm sure you've all heard something about the film that l've just brought back from Florida. And l'm sure a lot of you think it's just old Ray, up to his old tricks, as usual. (Laughter) -Preston, get the curtains. Run the film. -Righto, mate. -(Maurice) Get my specs... -(Man) lt's a good build-up, mate. -(Gary) Ready? -(Preston) Here we go. - Pah-pah pah-pah pah-pah... -(Man) Eight, seven, six... -(Jasmine) Five, four, three... Just coming. lt's gonna take a minute. Just coming. ls that it? Hang on, what's happened to it? This is fine. The projector's working fine. lt's the film, l think. No, that's not right. -l told you this would be a laugh. -No, that's not what l saw. l saw American military bringing a body off the back of a truck. -This body was an alien. lt was an alien. -(They laugh) The alien is just lying there, and then they cut it open and pull out all its guts. You can see President Truman looking in the viewing glass. -Excuse me, where's the Rank Film Lab? -Down there, on your left. On the left, thank you. You don't believe me. -Doesn't matter what l believe. -lt matters to me. l really appreciate this, Auntie P. Jeffrey! My nephew's got a problem with some film. Ohh. Walk this way. Ah. Ah-ah-ah. Ah, look at that. -1 940s Kodak safety stock. -(Auntie P) ls it? You know what the worst thing you can do to a film like this is? Keep it in sealed containers in a high temperature, high-humidity environment for any length of time. Well, it's been kept in that can, in a garage in Miami. For 50 years. There's your problem. -(Groans) Smell that? -(Auntie P) That's bad. Sort of...vinegary. That's the film eating itself. Oh, yeah. From the moment that can was opened the process will have started. We'll do what we can but don't hold your breath. Chances of rescuing anything from this film are virtually non-existent. -lt was gone? -(Gary) Yeah. Meanwhile, l've got Lazlo Voros on the phone. ''Where's my film? Where is my film?'' -All the time ringing. -The guy who's had a revolver at my head. -He's gonna kill me. What do l tell him? -The truth. You've got no other choice. Oh, really? And how does that go? ''Hey, Lazlo, l've spent $30,000 of your money on a film that was fine when l saw it ''but now it's eaten itself.'' (Thunderclap) (Excited laughter) (Man talks quietly and woman laughs) (Excited laughter) -(Laughter) -Yes. Oh, erm...hello, Raymond. Don't you ''Oh, hello, Raymond'' me. What's going on here? -(Both) Nothing. -l was just... l was just leaving. (Raucous laughter) What happens with my nan in my house is my business. -Whether you like it or not. -Oh! l tho... l thought it was your nan's house. That's beside the point. How old are you, anyway? A hundred and two. Have you got a job? Or a pension? -l run my own business. -Really? Doing what exactly? l make those. My family's been making them for generations. Harvey Nicks, Harrods, Selfridges... There's not a shape or size or shop in London we haven't supplied at some point in the last 1 50 years. lt's the most perfect idea. Last night the answer suddenly came to me. Maurice can make us an alien. Then l can film it. -Film it? -l know what l saw. All we do is copy it. You can't even take a photograph of your nan without cropping her head off. -How are you gonna shoot an alien autopsy? -Not me. Melik. -Melik runs a kebab shop! -At weekends he shoots wedding videos. ( Stereo MCs.: Step lt Up) Preston can bring in some meat offcuts to be the internal organs. Edgar does up corpses for open-casket funerals. He can do make-up. Jasmine's dad's in antiques. She can source the props. Hold on. Where are you going to shoot this Oscar-winning production? -Your sister's not back from lbiza till Sunday. -No. -Her flat would be perfect. -No! This is never going to work. Count me out. Thanks, Gary. And, hey, l appreciate it. -Jasmine, we're making a movie. -l'm not taking my top off again. Or seeing what l see Curves with destinations Poetic symmetry You cause an inflammation ln my anatomy, don't you see Yeah, yeah, yeah You can send a forget-me-not Yeah, yeah, yeah But l'll still reach up to the top Yeah, yeah, yeah Until the last day that l drop Yeah, yeah, yeah To the left To the right Keep it going, keep it going, it's alright To the left And to the right Step it up, step it up, it's alright We want flesh We want flesh We want flesh (Preston) All right? - All you gotta do is bounce it... -(Preston) Eurgh! To see just what goes where There ain't no way around it... Can't you just tell me? -l want to know if it's any good or not. -(Melik) Any good? You're working with the best. -Show me. -Here we go. And...open them. -l'm a genius. -(All) Eh? -(Gary) You what? -l mean...you're a genius. And you. -All of you, just all genius... -(Laughter) Great. That's just half of it. Wait till you see the rest. We've still got a couple of adjustments to make, but you'll get the basic idea. -Are you ready? -Yeah. -Ta-da! -(They gasp) (Jasmine) Oh. We remoulded an old maternity mannequin we used to make for Mothercare. Added an extra finger to each hand, and extra toes. And...see the skull? Maurice has done it in a special latex, so we can peel the skin back on camera. We got some mince and some pig's blood balled up in some lady's tights inside. lt'll look just like the exposed brain. -(Maurice) Are the crash wounds right? -They're perfect. The whole thing is just... exactly like what l saw on the film. Exactly. So, we're on, then? For tonight? -Yeah. -Good. Oh, cheer up, Gary. Cheer up? What do you expect? l've got an alien lying with its arse in my sister's kitchen sink. -(Ray) Ready? -l just want to try something with the lights. -(Jasmine) Would you turn the light... -One second. Oh, is that...actual blood? -lt's pig's blood mixed with food dye. -(Gary) Eh? Got the rest of the guts in the corner, by the sofa. And some flat rib. Some boneless loin. A few pounds of braising mince. And 1 5 packets of sliced ham. -What's the ham for? -Sandwiches. Yeah, l'm a hyphenate. -Special effects...hyphen...location catering. -Right. First positions, please, everyone. -Hey, hey, hey! Look! -You want me to mop that up? -Yeah. -No, don't touch it! That's well proper. lt looks authentic. Are you the director? No, me. Thank you. -Extras, could you clear the set, please? -Good luck, darling. l need to talk to the actors. Right! Boys. This is your first look at the alien. Opening scene. You two? You're at Roswell. Area 51 . So, what l want is a bit of pointing. Bit of nodding. You're a natural. Exactly, just like that. Bit of pointing, bit of nodding. Loads of energy. Remember that you are professionals. You're excited professionals. -OK. Feel it. First positions. We'll do a take. -(Gary) Ridiculous. Put your hat on. We'll start from here, then l'll call you in. -OK. And... -lt's not on properly. -Get off! -...action! ls mine all right? (Melik) Edgar, take your position. That's good. No, don't wave. Muppet. -Try that pointing thing you do. -Like this? Yeah, just like that. lt's wicked. -Cooee! -(Ray and Gary) Hi, Nan. -Play with the belly. -(Gary) This is ridiculous. (Ray) Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound? Stop crying. Get on with it, will you? Look, out the way! -(Melik) Prod it. -Not like that. -l'm out... -Let me do it, like this. -You're the director now, are you? -Shut up, we're shooting a movie here! -Shut up. -No, you shut up. Cut! You just ruined my shot. (Gary) Nice leg of lamb, this. -(Ray) Good traction on it, Preston. -That'll be the mint sauce. -(Ray) Nice one. -This is good. -Oh! -(Jasmine) l don't believe it. (Chuckles and sighs) -lt's all right. -(Gary) You all right? (Jasmine) Eugh. (Melik) That's it. Ooh, yes, it's looking good. -(Ray) That looks good. -That's good. -Would you like a biscuit? -Nan! (Melik) Don't worry, we'll deal with that in the cut. Yeah, l will, as it happens. ls that a Jammie Dodger? -(Ray) Get your fingers in there. -That's all right. Should we go for the heart next, Ray? Keep it going. What does he think he's doing? -ls he taking the piss? -Stop messing about! And...action. (Melik) Ray, come round the other side. Sausage on a stick? -Nan, please! -Cut! Cut! For crying out loud! -ls someone wrangling Ray's nan? -Maurice... -l can't hear you! -He's got her in the kitchen. -Keep her there. Has Jasmine spritzed? -No, just getting a refill. OK, now, let's get down and dirty with the intestines. Go on, Gary, get in there. (Gary) What on earth is that? lt stinks. Careful. l'm gonna use that in the shop tomorrow for some sausages and burgers. (Jasmine) Eurgh. (Ray) Careful. (Melik) Right. That's good. (Ray) Easy. Careful with these. (Melik) God! -l think it's too real. -lt's a nice touch. lt's looking at me. (Melik) OK, this is good. Right, let's...let's get ready to... -...peel back the skin. -(Gary) Got it, Ray? (Ray) Yeah. (Gary) lt looks like raspberry jelly. (Ray) Yeah, it is raspberry jelly. (Melik) Give it to Gary. Make out like there's a real tough, tough bone there. lt's a tough skull. (Gary) Like that? (Ray) Go on. There. (Melik) That's good. That's very good. (Ray) Lovely. Now, gently...place the brain on the tray. -Right. -Gently. -(Gary) Ready? -Yeah. Oh, no! Mind the brain! (Gary) Ah... (Gary) Ah, the carpet! -Cut! Cut, cut, cut! -(Gary) Ah...she's gonna kill us. Don't worry, Gaz. Put a bit of salt on that. -Are you sure? lsn't it salt and wine? -No, it's for red wine you put... -(Melik) lt's salt and white wine. -Put a pot plant on it. l don't know what else is in the skull so, Preston, please tell me it's gonna work. Brain's sorted. No more slippage. (Melik) OK. OK, good. Action! OK, easy does it, easy. OK, ready, Ray? Ready? Wait! Cut! -What the hell is that? -That would be the stuffed sheep's stomach. Dash of garlic, 90 minutes at gas mark 4, a highly nutritious meal for a family of five. That's great. Our alien travels millions of light years across the universe with nothing but a haggis to guide him? -lt's not slipping, though, is it? -(Key in lock) (Gary) Uh! (He sighs) Doreen! How was lbiza? -(Ray) Now, Doreen, don't fly off the handle. -(She gasps) -lt's not what it looks like, OK? -No. l can explain everything. Shall we call that a day? -(Ray) lt won't fit. -(Gary) lt will, just shove it in. -What are we doing here? -This was your idea. l don't just mean this. l mean the shoot. l mean the whole thing. lt's a complete disaster. lt's not a complete disaster. l mean, bits of it were quite good. Bits of it? -Would you show that film to Lazlo Voros? -No. No. l'm a dead man, aren't l? Not necessarily. You're the worst liar l have ever met. Yeah, but that's the difference between you and me, Ray. That's why you stand a chance with Voros. Bet on yourself. lsn't that what you said? -What? -The bloody head doesn't fit. (Dogs bark) (Heavy Caribbean accent) ls what you a-look 'pon? -Um...what? -Voros ready to see you now. Follow me. (Sobbing) Follow me. Mr Voros, good evening. Lovely to see you again. lf you speak to me again without being spoken to first, l will happily sit here flossing my teeth while Zachary is breaking every single bone in your body. -Mm. -ls that the film? -Mm-hm. -(Man sobs) -( Tricky.: Aftermath) -Mm! Zachary, darling? Run it. For one poor boy There's someone For he For she For one poor boy There's someone... Um... Did...did you, er...? The... l mean, what did you...think? Oh, God. -Look, l'm sorry, Mr Voros. -This is the most... beautiful thing l have ever seen in my entire life. (Sobs) We are not alone. Ray, you proved it, once and for all. You proved it. ( Tom Jones.: lf l Only Knew) Thank you, Ray. Yeah Home grown, on the bone All the channels show the same old war zone As l walk alone in the city Making me an offer Now don't they look pretty... -Yes! -Hugged you? Proper hugged me. l still can't believe it myself. You know what this means? lf Voros bought it, maybe other people will as well. We should run off a few hundred copies for the cornershops who bought my Elvis videos. lf we got 1 0.99 a pop and shifted, say, a thousand of them, that'd be... -Eleven grand. -Eleven grand. -So, l had this idea. -l had the idea. -Well... -lt was... Gary's idea was to invite all of the cornershop owners to a screening of the footage but do it somewhere impressive. -To get the credibility up a little bit? -Yeah. See, l thought the grander the place was, the more excited the buyers might be and even start bidding against each other. Raise the price. And fortunately there was one very grand place who happened to have a room free. The Natural History Museum. -No way. -Yeah, that's exactly what they said. -Oh, not there? -(Both) No. -So, we had to find somewhere else. -The Museum of London. -Don't know that place. -No, not many do. But it was perfect. They didn't ask too many questions. The key thing was to keep the screening quiet. -What you did is invite just a few? -Yeah. And apart from that we would keep it absolutely secret. -(Crowd shouting) -There's hundreds of people out there. The Chief Constable is worried about losing control. l don't care. This is my screening and l'm not letting them in. l'm not going to be blamed for causing a riot in front of the national press. The national press are here? The Sun, the Mirror, two television crews. (Crowd) Let us in! Let us in! Not bad for a little press release to the local paper, eh? You idiot! There's no way this many people are gonna believe that film. The national press'll see right through it. lt's a chance worth taking. You can't buy publicity like this. -(Klaxon) -l say we do it. No. Absolutely, categorically... Yes, 5 a seat, madam. Thank you, come on in. (Tutting) -You hear that? -l can't hear anything. Exactly. They're not laughing. ( Audience gasps) (Excited chatter) (Shouting) This just came in from London. -Director know about this? -He's waiting for you now, sir. And the next day... ''ls it real?'' ''Man from Mars''. ''UFO''. Our alien, full of sausages, was on the front page of every newspaper around the world. Raymond, there's a man on the phone from Argentina. -Take a number, Nan. l'll call him back. -Right. -(Melik) l've got a woman from ltalian TV. -He cannot speak to you now... -l'm going to have to get back to them. -...but give me your number... -l appreciate your interest. -...and he will call you back. -Can l call you back? -That's us. -No, l promise. All right. OK, bye-bye. -Yes. -That's us on the telly. -lt's been like this all day. Every TV station in the world wants our film, Gary. -There's hundreds of them. -Buenos dias. Bye, pet. l have absolutely no idea how we've done this. But since we have, and it's the only opportunity we'll ever have to make any money at all, -we have to do it right. -That's what we are doing. Make them compete against each other then sell the film to the highest bidder. No, not the one highest bidder. You sell it to the highest bidder in every territory round the world. You're saying... -...sell it over and over... -And over again, yes! We really are gonna be rich! (Laughter) ( The Beloved.: Sweet Harmony) -l'm sorry, we're right in the middle of things. -This will only take a moment. Here you go. ls it right or wrong Try to find a place We can all belong Be as one Try to get on by lf we unify We should really try... Um...AOB. Any other business. l'm thinking of letting Gary go. Mm. Seven days later, representatives from arrived in London ready to start negotiations. So, we hired a room at a hotel near Heathrow... -lt was a business suite. -Yeah, with a little reception area. We had free tea and coffee all day. Photocopying machines. l mean, we looked great. We looked like a really professional outfit. Oh, yeah ln sweet harmony Let's come together right now... (Gary) Loads of people turned up. People from Argentina, Brazil, France, Japan... Where else did they come from? Germany, Argentina... -You've said Argentina. -Brazil? Yeah. -China didn't come, did they? -Most people from... Quite a few countries. Time is running out Let there be no doubt We should sort things out lf we care, like we say we do... l appreciate the offer, Mr Gonzlez, and we'll give it our utmost consideration once we've seen the offers from the other bidders in Argentina. You're talking to other TV stations from Argentina? Three of them, yes, seem very keen. -But, thanks for this. -Send the next one in, please. We don't have any more buyers from Argentina. Wait a minute! Let's come together Right now Oh, yeah ln sweet harmony Let's come together Right now... So, if you sign here... Oui. Thank you very much. All l need now is your cheque. Cheque? He told me to bring cash. ln sweet harmony, let's come together... Did he? Right now, oh, yeah... Excusez-moi. ln sweet harmony... Why did you tell her she had to bring cash? Have they all been bringing cash? Look, Ray. l'm taking on the world with you. UFO nutcases, Hungarian psychos, bring them on, but there is one thing l will never ever mess with and that's the lnland Revenue. -The cash isn't about me fiddling my taxes. -What is it about, then? You said it yourself. This might be the only time in our lives we get to make money like this and l just want to see it. l want to feel it, Gary, you know, l want to... l want to touch it and smell it. l know it sounds stupid but there it is. Seven hundred and... And forty-six thousand, nine hundred and ninety... Seven hundred and forty-seven thousand dollars. Oh, yeah ln sweet harmony Let's come together right now Oh, yeah ln sweet harmony Let's come together right now... (Morgan) Beautifull (Gary) We'd fooled the world. -We were sitting on a good sum of money. -Nice. -(Ray) ln cash. -Even nicer. l mean, it was...it was all perfect. And then things took a bit of a turn for the worse. (Gary) Yeah, well, you see, l could have sworn l was being followed. (Morgan) Are you alleging covert surveillance of Shoefield and Santilli by the US Military? Your words, not mine. (Morgan) Was there a ClA file on them, then? Almost certainly. And, generally speaking, when there's a file there's surveillance. Generally speaking. -So, the US military thought the film was real? -There's more to it than that. Don't know who he is, but l keep seeing him. lt's starting to freak me out. Do you know what it probably is? Probably one of your weird ex-girlfriends. -l don't have any weirdo ex-girlfriends. -Oh, come on. What about that one from Basildon? Big girl, facial hair, ankles like lampposts. -Janet. -Janet! That's the one. -(Train rumbles) -She hung around for weeks, didn't she? -lt's not Janet. -Look, whoever it is, put it out of your mind, at least for now. Think about it. ln two days' time, our film goes out in ninety-eight countries around the world. -We're going to be famous! -You still don't get it. Everyone on the planet is going to know we're liars. Yeah... rich liars, though. (Phone) -(Train rumbles and clatters) -Hello? There was no deal allowing you to exploit the film and simply pay me a cut of the profits. But there was. We talked about it. -That was the understanding. -Not my understanding. Unless you have, er...some signed paperwork that says otherwise. (Whispers) Ray. (Dog barks) Now that we've cleared that up, let me spell things out for you. l now control all the deals and we split any cash 80 to 20 to me. l want to review any agreement you've already made and l alone will decide whether to approve them or not. (Dog barking) But...it's going out tomorrow night. That would be a very grave mistake on your part. (Dog barking) (Growls and barks like a dog) So, what did you do? The only thing we could do. We tried to pull the broadcast. Which is when it happened. What? (Ray) Voros was in the middle of a crop circle looking up to the heavens hoping for some sort of close encounter, probably. lt just came out of nowhere. Alien spacecraft? No. A green Land Rover. -Knocked him over, killed him. -Dead. He was naked. Are you saying that the US military intelligence had Lazlo Voros killed? Think about it. lf there really was a genuine alien autopsy film, then when Ray Santilli popped up US military would have been shitting their pants. All of a sudden there's an extra print of a film that they had kept hidden for 50 years, a print they didn't even know existed. The biggest secret in the history of the world's about to be blown wide open. Then they see Santilli's film. Once they realise the film's a fraud, that Ray's a fraud, then he and the film become the best possible smokescreen they could ever ask for. All the time that people are looking at Ray Santilli and his stupid film they're not looking at them, and the real film. They know that Ray's gonna be found out as a faker, which will just bury the truth even deeper, for even longer. Or, of course, it could just have been an accident. (Screams) Do you ever wonder if there's someone up there, looking out for us? Someone. Or something. (Ray) Widescreen. Got it in specially... (Jasmine) l can't believe it. This is so exciting. Could you budge up, Skeletor? -Here's Maurice. -All right, lover boy? (Nan) Raymond, did you set the video to record The X-Files? -All sorted. They put it on at the same time! -l think it's a compliment, though. l still can't believe that our little film is about to be shown in every continent on the planet. -l know! -Can you believe it? -...based on all available information. -lt's starting! lf what you are about to see is real, it's the most startling film footage in history. Although we remain sceptical, some believe this is authentic footage of an alien life form. Real or not, l must warn you, this appears to be an actual autopsy and some of the footage you will see is very gruesome. (TV presenter speaks Russian) (TV presenter speaks French) (TV presenter speaks Swedish) (TV presenter speaks German) (Frakes) Alien Autopsy.: fact or fiction? Here outside Roswell is where the alleged crash happened some 50 years ago. Was it a flying saucer? Were there alien bodies on board? People still come and look for some kind of clue. But the evidence of the alien crash didn't come from here. lt was revealed halfway around the world. What Santilli saw and purchased were reels of black-and-white film showing an autopsy being performed on a strange humanoid being. The cameraman, who claims to have had a top military clearance told Santilli that in 1 947 he was flown urgently to Roswell where he filmed the recovery of several of these beings, both alive and dead, as well as the autopsy of one of them. This could be the world's first look at an actual being from another planet. The strange body appears intact except for an ugly wound on the right thigh. Two mysterious doctors wearing contamination suits study its bizarre features. What the f*** is that? They are either pathologists or they are surgeons who have done a fair number of autopsies. This supposedly was filmed in 1 947 and, while things haven't changed, we see some things that would have been expected at that time such as the use of a handsaw in removing the skullcap. (Frakes) A third person wearing a mask watches from behind the glass partition. ls this indeed a top-secret military autopsy performed on an alien in 1 947? (Man) This is a structure that must be the brain if it is a human being. lt looks like no brain that l have ever seen, whether it's a brain filled with tumour, a brain that has been radiated a brain that has been traumatised and is haemorrhagic... What is this? l would prefer to say for the time being that it is humanoid. But l cannot say that it is a member of the human race as you and l know the human race. What if? What if? What if the alien is real? Let's consider. He was an explorer, perhaps a scientist. Crashed and died on a distant blue planet, light years from his home. A frightened race of beings found his lifeless body, performed experiments and hid the results. Why did he come to our planet? What went wrong? Obviously his own mission failed but in his death he may have delivered the most important message mankind has ever received. We are not alone. They believe it! Gary, where have you been? -What's happened? -They believe it! They only believe it! -Right, you ready for this? -(Cheering) ( Vic Reeves and the Wonderstuff.: Dizzy) Nan! Have you seen these overnights? Sh... Dizzy l'm so dizzy, my head is spinning Like a whirlpool, it never ends And it's you, girl... Have you seen these overnights? (TV) ...surrounded a TV station that was about to broadcast the footage and confiscated the film. TlME magazine has described the film, which has sent shock waves across the world and gained the biggest television audience since Live Aid, as the most important home movie since the Zapruder film. Have you seen these overnights? -lt's not possible. -l know! Clear the schedules. We're running it again. When? Tonight. (Reporters shout) My God. And it's you, girl, making it spin You're making me dizzy... Bloody hell. -Hundreds of them. -(Knocking at door) -(Doorbell) -Forget about them. Do you have any idea what happened to me last night? -Don't tell me someone actually shagged you? -Ha-ha (!) -(Phone) -No, l had to barricade myself in my flat. Five nutcases got up on the roof... -(Doorbell) -...a load more tried to break in the front door, the phone hasn't stopped ringing for 1 2 hours. -Everyone wants to see the original film. -(Knock at door) -That's fantastic. -No, it isn't fantastic, because we don't have any film to show them. The only film we ever did have was shot on modern film stock -and that is still in Lazlo Voros's safe. -(Doorbell repeatedly rung) Maybe we could make another one. You don't get this, do you? This film means so much to so many people, Ray. -Scary people, clinically disturbed people. -(Knock at door) Can you imagine what will happen if they ever find out it's a fake? You know, strictly speaking, it's not actually a fake. lt's more of a remake. You've got to remember that. And you've got to relax a bit more, Gary. Nobody's going to find out anything. -What are you doing, anyway? -Packing. -For what? -My trip to Argentina. -What? -l've been getting calls from chat shows in Buenos Aires, in Lima, Rio, yeah. They want me to go over, all expenses paid. -But you can't start going on chat shows. -Why not? Has nothing l've said made any sense to you? They'll ask you questions which you won't be able to answer. -l can answer anything. -Yes, but the lies have to be consistent. -They can't keep changing. -They won't. -And how do you know they won't? -Because l'm taking you with me. ( Stakka Bo.: Here We Go Again) Here we go, go, go to the temple of consumption Get your gear and start to spend... Gracias. Bienvenido. -57 C, sir. All the way to the back. -OK. -All the way to the back. -Hi. Hello. Bienvenido. Mr Santilli? You have been upgraded to first class today. Your seat is 3A, all the way to the front. Thank you. -Upgrade. -All the way to the front. -Yeah! -All the way to the front. Thank you. Hello. Thank you. Yes, that way, thank you. Here we go again Here we go, go, go to the temple of consumption Get your gear and start to spend Here we go, go, go with total dedication. Here we go again Here we go, go, go to the temple of consumption Get your gear and start to spend Here we go, here we go Here we go The moon and the stars They all look down on me and say... Would it be OK for me to sit here? The guy next to me is a...snorer. No, help yourself. (Clears throat) OK, thank you. (She clears throat) You should, er...get yourself a drink. lt's free. Oh! (Speaks Spanish) ( Nouvelle Vague.: Just Can't Get Enough) (TV presenter speaks Spanish) Mr Santilli, welcome back. Now, the cameraman on this trip you made to the US... He was a dangerous and highly volatile individual who, quite frankly, scared the living daylights out of most people he ever met. (Speaks Spanish) (Speaks Spanish) ( American accent) Put the cocktail down, son, or you'll be picking up your teeth with a broken arm. -(lnterviewer) ...cameraman says... -(Ray) ...to this waiter, and l'm like, ''Hey, now, Manolitol ''Let's just cool our jets here, compadre. ''Otherwise you and me are taking this downtown.'' Why can't you grasp this? There's reporters everywhere. They'll be checking every word. Relax. They're all enjoying it just as much as me. -(Speaks Spanish) -(Gary) Hi. -Hi. -Right here at the front, Seor Santilli. -You've been upgraded. -Oh, thank you. -l'm here. -(Stewardess) Keep going. -To the back, next to the toilets. -(Baby cries) -Seor Santilli. -Oh, thank you. (Gary) Ow! Oh! Hmph! l just can't get enough l just can't get enough... Well, hello, you. No way! -How are you? -l'm great, how are you? Are you following me around? You got me. Oh, wait, OK. -Oooh! -Oh, here we go. Oh, thank you very much. (Both) Cheers. Hey... (Woman) Oh, Rayl Oh, Ray, Rayl Rayl Ooh, yesl Oh, my God. Oh, my God. -Oh, my God. Ohl Yesl -(Ray) Oohl Ohl Ohl (Woman) No. Oh. (They scream and shout) Pack it in, Santilli! (Woman) Come on, baby. Right, l swear to God, if you don't pack it in, l'm going to kill you! -(Ray) Shh-shh-shhl -(Woman laughs) You be quietl At last. (Ray) Amber. Pretty girl, actually, she was. -Yeah. -Yeah. How did that feel? Having the attention? You're a celebrity at this point, right? l didn't like it. l thought you enjoyed it too much. Yeah, l mean, l did. lt comes with the territory. You didn't have to do that, though. That just drew attention to us. -No, l think you have to do that. -Hard to resist, isn't it? The whole fame thing, l could take it or leave it. You did too many, wouldn't you say? You've probably done a few too many chat shows? Yeah? ( Applause and cheering) OK, OK, so we're back. And you were telling me you hooked up at the Plaza Hotel? That's right, yeah. Me and Donald Trump, like that. (Chuckles) That's me on top. Well, OK, l just...have one final question. Why have you never produced the original film so it can be verified? -Excuse me? The original footage? -Mm-hm. Ha! Exactly. Answer that, you brainless bloody spanner. -Er... -(Man) Where's the original, pal? -lt's a simple enough question. -(Loud thud) -Yeah, yeah. -Where is it? Why don't you show it? (TV off) -What are you doing? -(She cries out) That's Ray's stuff. Ah, here. l was looking for a cigarette. Are you a journalist? (Gary) What did l tell you? What did l say? ''Don't do it, Ray.'' l said, ''Don't go on chat shows. They'll have reporters everywhere.'' Do you have any idea how exhausting it is always being right and never being listened to? When you get angry like this you've got a little vein that pops up... Shut up! Thanks to Casanova here, some of the TV stations could sue us for breach of contract. lf they do, the rest'll follow and we'll end up broke and in prison. -What you talking about, prison? -No, no, no, no. lt's all right. Preston? -Anyone want the last pink wafer? -So, what do we do? Well, the only chance we've got is for everyone to stay absolutely silent. From now on, no one says anything to anyone. OK? lf we can all do that, then there's just a chance this story'll blow itself out and we can all quietly get on with the rest of our lives. Quietly's good. l like quietly. He's a weirdo. l told you so. Hey, you know what else we could all do quietly, don't you? That is just what we need, another biscuit. We could all, really quietly spend some of this lovely money. (Laughter) No. No. No. -Why not? -Because it's like we've robbed a bank. -And the one thing any robber knows... -Never spend the money too soon. He's right. Exactly. lt just draws attention to yourself. Look, if we want to get away with this, we're gonna have to wait till everything dies down. No more talk about the money till l say so. When did your say-so become so much more important than...say, my say-so? (Snorts) (Door shuts) -(Laser fire) -Yaaahhhl (Knock at door) -Who is it? -(Woman) Hello? -(Knock at door) -Wait a minute. Hi. Hi, there. Thank you. Hi, l'm Amber Fuentes from Channel Five News and we are looking for a Harvey Jarrold and we feel that he may live somewhere around here. Oh, Harvey, yeah. l'll see if he's available. -Well, maybe we could wait inside. -No. Come on! Stupid idiots! Slimy bastards. Gary! Gary! Gary? Gary? There you are. You've got to help me. l'm not talking to you, Ray. -Where have you been? -Doing my laundry. -We're in real trouble here, Gary. -Shoes! Sorry, sorry. (Hoover on) (Hoover off) -Are you listening now? -What? The press have found Harvey. Oh. Now l'm in the middle of God knows where hiding out like a cheap crook, all because of that pile of horse sh*t you're peddling as my film! You get rid of that b*tch within 48 hours. And if any other reporters show up, -l'll blow the whistle on all your asses. -(Horn blares) Bastards! (Morgan) You were busted. (Ray) Yeah. So, effectively, the game was up. There was only one thing l could do. Kill yourself? (Both) No. -He's offering us what? -An exclusive interview. -With the cameraman who shot the... -Actual footage. Clear the schedules. But how were you gonna get an interview from a guy that didn't want to be interviewed? -(Gary) What about him? -(Ray) No, not old enough. Hey, look. That guy. No, not right. Him? (Tyres screech) Excuse me. How would you like to make $500 and have a night in a clean hotel room? What do l have to do? Just...learn these lines and say them in front of a camera. During the Second World War, l was a combat photo... (Coughs) ...tographer for the United States Air Force, a few months after getting... -Whoa! -Too much, l know. ...flown to an airbase l'd never heard of. An airbase that turned out to be Ros...well. l was a combat photographer for the... United States Airforce. A few months after my return home from Europe l was rudely awakened in the early hours of the morning and l was flown through the night to an airbase that l had never heard of. An airbase that turned out to be in Roswell, New Mexico. Sh*t. And there in Roswell, l was ordered to film an autopsy being performed... (Sighs) ...on a wretched alien creature apparently extracted from a crashed UFO. Who the f*** is that? l'll never forget it. The stench was unbearable, although l suppose we didn't smell that wonderful to them. Others of his like were in the back... -This guy's good. -This guy's better than Harvey. Turns out, he used to be an actor. -An actor? Perfect. -Yeah! He'd made two movies with Lionel Barrymore in 1 935, then after that started drinking. When we met him, he hadn't had an acting gig in about 40 years. -You're lucky. You're very, very lucky. -Very, very, very. And there we were sitting upstairs in my nan's house with seven hundred and forty-seven thousand US dollars in a pile like that. -Bigger, even. -lt was probably like that. On my bed. And, one seventh of it is yours. Ninety-seven thousand dollars. There you are, Gary. Merry Christmas. Ha-ha! Thanks. A seventh of 7 47,000 is about 1 06,700, Ray. ls it? l know! Look, l had it all ready for you! -Get out! -l did! You expect me to believe that? You know what? l have just one more question. What was it that you actually saw on the film in Miami? l mean, there's no way that it was an alien. So, what was it that gave you the idea? -l told you. No one ever believes me. -Leave it to me. There's one tiny bit of the story we haven't told you about yet. -(Doorbell) -Ah! -lt's the guy from the film lab. -Yeah. And according to him, he'd managed to recover some of the image. Right. (Voice echoes) l was a combat photographer... ...for the United States Air Corp. One night in 1 947, l was pulled out of bed and flown for five hours to an airbase that l'd never heard of... ...where l was ordered to... film this. Film this. Film this. One night in 1 947... One night in 1 947... ...to an airbase l'd never heard of... Told you. (Snorts) You know something? l don't think l can go through this again. (Snorts) Me neither. ( The Monkees.: l'm A Believer) l thought love was only true in fairytales Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams Then l saw her face Now l'm a believer (Ray) That was ten years ago. (Morgan) And this has never been exposed? (Morgan) The world doesn't know this? (Ray) No. Until now. So, the film is still there? -Right? -Yeah. Well, let's go get it. Michael! Getting it is exactly what we're gonna do, Morgan. Just as soon as you've signed this brief deal memo. What's the use in trying? All you get is pain When l needed sunshine l got rain Oh, then l saw her face Now l'm a believer Not a trace of doubt in my mind l'm in love... -l thought you birds was good at multi-tasking. -l am. l walk and talk and live with you. Ohl Sorry there. lt's just instinct. Looks good, though. First civilian reaction. Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed (Man on TV) l'll never forget it. F***ing guy doesn't even look like me! Then l saw her face... One can't help but wonder what there is out there. ...of doubt in my mind l'm in love Maybe we both should have a cigarette? Eh? Yes, l saw her face... -Would you like a biscuit? -Not now, thank you. Not a trace of doubt in my mind Said l'm a believer... But as it rolled out around the world, one of the things that...didn't come back to haunt us but was quite entertaining was that the cameraman who'd sold it to Ray, he had a view that Ray was a foreigner and that selling it to him was the last he'd ever hear of it. ( Son of Dork.: We're Not Alone) Standing in crop circles naked gazing at the stars 'Cause there's a possibility there could be life on Mars l hope they'll bring back Elvis 'cause how crazy would that be? l know he's up there somewhere playing Halo with ET The truth the Pentagon ignored and Roswell kept behind closed doors The lies that you've been reassured lt just can't be denied if you open your mind - lf the universe is a place that we call home - We're not alone Why should we believe that we're here on our own? We're not alone ls there anyone here with a doubt in their mind? ls there anyone too blind to open their eyes Realise we're not alone, we're not alone We've all been abducted We get taken every day They zap us with their red light and our memory goes away The proof is in the backyard lt's all buried in the ground So beam me up like Scotty Let me take a look around The truth the Pentagon ignored and Roswell kept behind closed doors The lies that you've been reassured lt just can't be denied if you open your mind - lf the universe is a place that we call home - We're not alone Why should we believe that we're here on our own? We're not alone Gol ls there a place that we can go? They've taken everyone we know We're not alone We're not alone - lf the universe is a place that we call home - We're not alone ls there anyone here with a doubt in their mind? ls there anyone too blind to open their eyes? Realise we're not alone We're not alone - lf the universe is a place that we call home - We're not alone Why should we believe that we're here on our own? We're not alone We're not, we're not We're not alone We're not, we're not We're not alone Ray, bless his heart, would sell anything that he felt would turn a profit. That's not entirely true. -That's not entirely true -That is true.

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