All Through the House

1

[Dog barking in distance]

[Boy]

Just throw it.

But what if I miss

and hit the window?

Who gives a sh*t?

Just throw it,

you little bastard!

[All screaming]

[Knocking on door]

[Knocking continues]

[Knocking]

[Gasps]

Santa.

[Straining]

[Gasps]

[Panting]

Jacob?

Those little bastards.

[Dog barking in distance]

You little sh*t.

At least you're asleep.

[Door creaking]

[Screams]

Mm, mm, mm.

- [Sighs]

- Ah.

Looks like I got you

all ready for me.

No, no, no, no.

You don't get to see these

until I get to see him.

And you know I don't like to

see him if he isn't happy.

You know that.

He'll get happy,

just give him a second.

Why don't you

take him into the bedroom,

go make him happy,

then I'll join you in a minute.

Okay.

I'm ready when you are.

I'm ready.

Come on,

I really need to get ready.

[Sternly] I really

need you to get ready.

Now, now, get up please.

So let's do this.

I'm gonna moonwalk

on that p*ssy.

[Gasping]

- [Grunts]

- [Gasps]

[Wheezing]

Yup, all the bad sex.

[Muttering]

[Gasps]

[Thud]

[Screaming]

[Music playing]

Ho, ho, ho, here comes Santa

ho, ho, ho,

look out for Santa

up on the housetop,

click, click, click

down through the chimney

comes old Saint Nick

up on the housetop,

everybody applause

here comes

little Santa Claus

down through the chimney

with lots of toys

special presents

for girls and boys

[flute solo playing]

First comes the presents,

the little dick

he wants big balls

that he can kick

uh

also a hammer

and a fireman ax

a slingshot

and a whip that cracks

ho, ho, ho, here comes Santa

ho, ho, ho,

look out for Santa

up on the housetop,

click, click, click

down through the chimney

comes old Saint Nick

all the kids

love his big red sack

filled with goodies,

that's a fact

Santa comes in

without a peep

standing over you

while watching you sleep

[flute solo playing]

all through the house,

here comes Santa

all through the house

look out for Santa

all through the house

here comes Santa

all through the house

all through the house

here comes Santa

all through the house

here comes Santa...

[police radio chatter]

[Gasps]

Yes, well, um...

[Dog barking in distance]

[Music playing]

Glory to the newborn king

peace on earth,

and mercy mild

god and sinners reconciled

joyful all ye nations rise

join the triumph...

- what do you think you're doing?

- Grandma.

I thought that we both decided

that you were gonna stop leaving

presents for your mother.

You know, when you

were a little kid

it was cute,

but now, it's kind of creepy.

I've missed you so much.

I'm sorry I have to rush off.

I'm Christmas shopping

with Gia and Sarah tonight.

Don't worry about me, honey.

I've got a huge

bridge tournament tonight,

and I'm gonna

kick some hairy ass.

This is from

Mrs. Garrett.

There's actually a police officer

outside her house right now.

She wants to know

if I will help decorate

her home for Christmas.

Who does sh*t like that?

- She's offering to pay.

- F*** her.

Watch the mouth.

It's Christmas.

And you don't even feel

a little sorry for her?

I mean, especially after

what happened to her daughter?

It's none

of our effin' business.

You're right.

We are gonna have

stress-free holiday.

[Crickets chirping]

[Woman straining]

[Grunts]

- Whoa, oh, oh, oh...

- I got it.

- Uh. Oh...

- I got it.

I thought Santa and me

were goners for a second.

Oh, here, let's just

lay him down here.

[Sighs]

Rachel Kimmel.

I am so glad you dropped by.

I simply couldn't have decorated

this house by myself.

Oh, the letter.

Um, actually, i...

Do you remember Jaime

when you were a little girl?

I remember

she couldn't come outside.

I think she had some

kind of skin disease.

Bowen's disease.

You know,

my life was not the same

when Jaime was taken from me.

A pity.

She could've been like you.

I try not to let

my mind wonder like that.

You know, I didn't know

your mother very well.

But what I do remember,

she was beautiful.

You think I look like my mother?

Would you like to come in

and get something to drink?

Um, I actually

have to go shopping,

but, uh,

it should only take

a couple of hours.

Would you like me to come back?

You'd really come back?

Thank you.

I'll see you later.

[Dog barking in distance]

[Woman] Sugarballs,

Sugarballs, get back here.

[Barking]

[Growls]

[Growling continues]

- [Punching]

- [Whimpering]

Sugarballs.

Sugarballs.

Sugarballs.

[Clanging]

[Thud]

[Man's voice] You're just

a worthless little girl.

Get over here!

Hi.

[Straining, struggling]

- [Voice #1] I've got a present for you.

- [Voice #2]It's playtime.

[Woman's voice] Stop

telling me what to do.

I'm not some punching bag

that you can take your aggression

out on whenever you want.

[Exhales]

Men.

You're all alike.

And don't think

I'd forgotten what you...

[Voices whispering]

What you did to me.

I was just a child.

And you...

Passed me around

to all those...

[Voices whispering]

Men.

Like I wasn't even...

Human.

[Growling]

Yahh!

[Gasping]

Don't you worry, darling.

Oh!

[Squealing]

This boring town

is awful without you.

I can't believe

I actually miss it.

Well then,

let's not waste any time.

Oh, oh...

Photo op!

[Shoppers chattering]

Hey.

- Hi.

- [Squeals]

Muah.

Muah.

Have I got a surprise for you.

You're scaring me.

Come on, let's go.

You'll love it.

I promise you.

Keep your eyes closed.

Now open.

Surprise.

Don't blame Sarah, okay?

I put her up to this

because you wouldn't

take my phone calls.

What?

Merry Christmas.

[Footsteps approaching,

screaming, giggling]

[Laughing]

Close your eyes

and open your mouth.

I got a big package

ready for delivery.

[Both laughing]

Are you feeling adventurous?

I thought having sex

while your parents were gone

was adventurous.

[Bells jingling]

What's that?

Adventure.

[Giggling]

No.

What are you doing?

Oh, you aren't scared, are you?

What if there's an emergency?

Then we create a safe word.

And then if things

get too wild for you

just say the safe word

and I'll stop.

All right, what about...

- "Jingle balls"?

- [Laughing]

Uh.

You are so helplessly cute.

I'll be right back

with a big surprise.

[Kisses]

Hurry up.

F***ing b*tch.

Ah, f***.

What the f***, man.

[Gasps]

[Music box playing]

What the...?

Why don't I wear the costume?

You know, you're always

on top, right?

[Floorboard creaking]

What's behind your back?

Is it gonna make me scream?

[Labored breathing]

Jingle balls.

Jingle balls!

Jingle balls!

Jingle balls!

Jingle balls!

Jingle balls!

- [Snips]

- [Screaming]

[Screaming]

[Hyperventilating]

[Screaming]

[Girls laughing]

Yeah, check 'em out.

[Laughs]

What the hell happened?

You just left me.

Just stop blaming your mom

for everything

that's wrong in your life.

I'm not gonna leave you

like she did.

I wish I wasn't so scared.

[Mrs. Garrett] Come to

the table, darling.

Dinner is ready.

Rate this script:4.3 / 3 votes